Recent. Ugliness.

If Only I Were Erkin Bekbolotov...

2010-07-04T03:02:00.000-04:00

What a wonderful name to have. It's pretty sick, easily one of the most interesting and unique names I have heard in a while. I tend to think that those with unique/obscure/atypical names have something unique/obscure/atypical about them, and that intrigues me. Or maybe I'm just crazy and it's better to have a normal name. Might save me a lot of questioning from confused people.

Nah, I'd rather be cool.

Whatever Happened to that Good Ole Fashioned Pancake Booty?

2009-12-17T02:45:00.003-05:00

I'll tell you what happened to it: CoCo stole it from every woman in the world and had it surgically inserted into her already abnormally large ass to create this inhuman form living on her coccyx. This ass is humongous! I don't know how to else to say it... but I'll make an attempt to say in a few other ways, just for your entertainment:

CoCo's G-string might be out of tune.
CoCo's thong ain't hanging on for long.
If you ever eat CoCo out, make sure she is laying down. Otherwise, prepare to die.
I think I can hear CoCo's spandex screaming "I Quit".
CoCo's spandex were red when she bought them.
I'm serving Christmas dinner on CoCo's ass.
I'm serving a tennis ball on CoCo's ass.
I'm serving CoCo's ass on a platter to feed a third of the world.
I'm gonna chop off CoCo's ass and make a coat out of it. She can grow another one. It probably just regenerates.
CoCo actually has that weight machine connected to her ass cheeks. Feel the burn!
CoCo wears heels because if she wore flats her knees would be blown right off of her body.
CoCo wears heels because they keep her ass from dragging on the sidewalk.

OK, I'll stop. But you get the jist. Ice T, CoCo's Law and Order: SVU-starring husband, must have an interesting sex life.

And a big ass pothole in his mattress.

Parents: Hide the Children.

Alert: Ni-coke Kidman.

2009-12-17T02:36:00.003-05:00

Now I know that people are always looking for new ways to try drugs and make them activate more quickly and whatnot, but didn't Nicole know that rubbing it all over your face and into your corneas is not necessarily the safest method of cocaine consumption? Now we don't care what you experiment with in your own home, Kidman (it's true, we have no interest in your collection of painkillers and vibrators...), but when you bring it out in public for everyone to see, well then gosh darn it! It's time for an intervention.

Who did you think you were fooling donning that luxurious gown as a way to distract onlookers from the fact that coke is slowly getting into your eyes? Do us all a favor, Nicole: next time you wanna go Tony Montana on a fresh kilo, make sure Lindsay's around to snort the remnants off your cheekbones. Then everyone will be happy.

Sharing is caring!

New Tag: Wash Your Face.

If This is the Best We Can Do, We're All Fucked.

2009-12-17T02:31:00.002-05:00

In case you didn't know, and you needed a stereotypically jolly black lady with her interracial, minimum-wage earning back-up singers to make up an entire song and sing it for you, AIDS is bad and kills a lot of people!

Now I don't know about you, but if curing AIDS is what it will take to get people to stop doing stupid shit like this, then count me in. I wasn't feeling the whole "AIDS kills millions of people each year" shtick, but this bitch is cuckoo and she needs to be stopped. Fix the damn AIDS already, you bastards! We know you guys discovered the cure a long time ago and that you've been waiting for AIDS to kill off RuPaul and Adam Lambert before releasing it. But the world would be a much better place without these women singing along. As for RuPaul and Adam Lambert... they'll get theirs in due time.

Shake that Ass, Katie!

2009-12-08T15:05:00.003-05:00

Oh, how wondrous weddings really are. It's always a delight when, far after the rings have been placed on each other's fingers, the broom has been hopped, and the church has been abandoned, we all take on a little past time valued far above most: getting fucked up and dancing by oneself. It's wonderful, enjoyable, and expected.

Unfortunately, when you are arguably the most successful television journalist today, you sort of give up the right to do ridiculous shit like this... at least when cameras are around. Well 52-year-old Katie Couric decided to say "fuck looking presentable, I needsta shake my ass". And boy did she shake... on literally anyone she could find... including the cameraman, it would appear. (If seeing that last pic coming at you through your camera lens doesn't scare you off... you've got some serious nuts.)

You wanted a cougar? She's all yours.

Pur.

Mindfuck: Behemoth.

2009-12-01T20:32:00.003-05:00

Meet the largest swimsuit model on earth. Her name is Amazon Eve (how primitive), and she is a whopping 6'8". Ew.

Well, I am not going to lie, she is a pretty woman, and if she were say, a foot shorter than her huge monkey ass is, she would probably be fierce as shit. But instead, we are left with this. Now I am not going to say she is ugly, I am just going to simply posit that it might be possible that she is not the most attractive person in the world.

When I first saw these pictures, a few things popped into my head. The first was: wow, people are getting really good at photoshopping freaky ass shit like monster people. The second was: maybe it's a real picture, and that barbaric looking woman is really a man. Hell, it might even be Dennis Rodman under a few layers. But then I realized... this is a woman. A real woman. Who actually exists.

WTF. This Amazon warrior has another full human being just lounging on her back like it's a beach chair. Doesn't it concern anyone that this woman could bodyslam you through the floor, then go to the basement and bodyslam you into the sewer? Hmmm... come to think of it, I could use a bodyguard... I would love to see a jackass try to get tough when this bitch is backing me up. The truth of the matter is: the only thing scarier than a big ass monkey dude is a big ass monkey girl. Case closed.

But to be completely honest, the only reason I would be pissed is because I'd have to smell her Amazonian jungle slice if we stood "face-to-face", and that shit probably smells like durian. No one wants that.

Parents: hide the children.

Alert: Dead Wrong. Literally.

2009-11-29T19:52:00.005-05:00

Now, I have seen some fucked up things in my life as well as the fake life I lead on the internet (you do it too, so don't judge), but this shit takes the cake by far. This was shown to me by a friend named Malik, and boy, is it offensive, disgusting, horrifying, and downright ugly.

As if black people needed another set back in the movement toward proving that we are a competent, useful race of human beings, these 10-16 year olds decided to undo Rosa Parks's work and shake their underdeveloped (or in the case of a few, shockingly overdeveloped) asses over peoples graves. What kinda ignorant country shit is this? And why, despite it all being way too horrible, do I laugh hysterically everytime the beat kicks in?

One bitch is galloping, one bitch is shaking her legs hoping the energy waves travel to her non-existent ass cheeks, one bitch just turned 10, and one bitch is a dude. When you figure out which one it is, you'll probably gasp. If you do, retweet this post or some shit and show me some love.

And when they start laying down on the graves... well, you'll just have to see for yourself. Thank the heavens that our nation allows us access to videos like this.

God Bless America!

Parents: Hide the Children.

Mindfuck: This Isn't Just Ugly, It's Scary, Pathetic, Deluded, and Downright Sloppy.

2009-11-24T07:58:00.002-05:00

Welcome to the Hatred edition of Recent. Ugliness. Take a look at this documentary. Try not to barf, laugh, scoff, get angry, have a stroke, etc. within the first five minutes. If that hasn't fucked your mind into a million tiny pieces, set aside some time to watch this documentary from BBC on the inner workings of the Westboro Baptist Church.

There isn't much I can say about this without getting vehemently upset, but I don't think there is a better modern example of how one man can brainwash his family into justifying hatred AND being shocked when the hatred is redirected back at them. It's stunning, but definitely worth watching.

Sorry to not be funny and really poop on what could've been a great day for you, but I felt this is something that everyone should see.

Shit is pathetic.

Tip of the Day: And You Guys Thought I Was Mean...

2009-11-12T16:39:00.002-05:00

If looking at these manboobs or female mustaches makes you feel happy that you are still aesthically pleasing, then do yourself a favor and visit marvelousmanboobs.com and womenwithmoustaches.com. It's the best thing you can do for yourself at this point in time, to be honest with you.

Parents: Hide the Children.

Alert: This Shit is Just Messy.

2009-11-10T14:29:00.003-05:00

Here is a special contribution from a friend named Eva. Pay close attention to how many times Kate Bush looks like she is simply about to give up halfway through her choreography... yet she reluctantly musters on through her shrill, wide-eyed tirade.

My biggest pet peeves are when she stumbles through her spins as if she dropped a small item and is frantically searching for it... before she gives up and continues her shrill, wide-eyed tirade, of course. Also, when the bitch simply won't go away at the end, and just stands there, appearing and reappearing while frantically swaying in the wind like she just caught the holy ghost, that shit really ticks me off. Like Eva said, we know that with the budget this cheap-ass video was made on, all Kate Bush did was sway, step back, sway, step back, etc. They plugged the video into Microsoft Porthole (it was a long time ago...) and used Paint to erase her backstepping. The result is this.

Oh, the 80s. How dear you are to us all.

God Bless America!

Yay: Sammy Sosa Does NOT Have Vitiligo. He Just Wants To Be White. Phew

2009-11-09T15:44:00.004-05:00

Well, this is very relieving. Turns out that all the buzz about Sammy Sosa's lightened pigmentation is not such a big deal after all. His family and colleagues say that the lighter complexion is simply associated with bad lighting when the photo was taken. According to them, the retired baseball player was bitching about how old he was getting (he's 40 now) and decided to take a "skin rejuvenation" process. ...Right. It's called skin whitining, and black bitches have been doing it for years now. I don't know what happened to Sammy's though. I guess the nigra-color removers had adverse effects when mixed with the anabolic steroids oozing out of Sosa's pores, because the bitch doesn't look white. He just looks ashy, or simply terrified, like someone told him that they're naming a wing of the Hall of Fame for steroid users after him. Not that it wouldn't be appropriate.

Better yet, Sosa looks like he just came back from ~~retirement~~ the dead (same thing in the eyes of America). Have you ever seen any of those George A. Romero movies? Dawn of the Dead? Day of the Dead? Dead of the Dead? (Sometimes I think they are all the same....) Yeah, Sosa could def be the ringleader of all of them zombie fuckers. It would work out perfectly because he has way too many performance-enhancing drugs in him to be considered a sentient being, but boy is that buff motherfucker still kicking!

In the end, Sammy Sosa would've gotten a post on this blog at one point or another, though. When you look like that, you can consider Recent. Ugliness. your new home.

And we are oh-so-glad to welcome you.

JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE FAT.

2009-11-09T13:12:00.003-05:00

K-Fed has been spending his back-owed child support money on Fat Macs, it would appear. Seems like big-ass t-shirts are the only things that fit this once-talented back-up dancer. Who is the bitch next to him? Is she responsible for showing him where his dick is? Cuz you know he can't find that shit anymore it's so damn deep in there. Can't blame the dick though: it's getting cold and you might as well retreat into the warmth of warring adipose that makes up K-Fed's FUPA.

Who else would've loved seeing K-Fat on that Oxygen network show, ~~"Get Up and Dance Your Fat Ass Off, You Fat Ass"~~ "Dance Your Ass Off"? That would've been to die for. Well other than a heart attack... at this rate, that's what K-Fed will die for.

PS: In great proof that hickness cannot be phased out, K-Fed wore a symbol of his trailer trash tribulations with Britney: camo sneakers. How low can one get? And I know those sneakers are screaming for dear mercy as K-Fed's gorilla feet squeeze all the air out of them. I can hear it now... "Help! Help! Oh, lord... shit, just kill me now. OW! Just do it."

Yes, that was a slogan pun.

BITCH SHOULDA CAME TO MY SCHOOL!!!

2009-11-07T17:37:00.003-05:00

I knew it! I knew Emma Watson was a ~~Mexican~~ party girl at heart, guzzling her Coronas for the camera. Some people say she was simply posing with a beer, but a) that's stupid because she knows how much shit her coked-up publicist would give her for that, and b) bitch likes to get crunk like every other college person. She should've come to Columbia, instead going to that hippie school up in Providence, RI. I don't think she can handle the perpetual weed smog cloud that hangs over College Hill over there. She could've been getting buck in the middle of Broadway if the bitch had even a tad more common sense. What a shame.

Parents: hide the children before they figure out that Hermoine likes her BAC to teeter past legal.

Mindfuck: Craigslist Will Be the Death of You.

2009-11-05T09:18:00.004-05:00

What he wrote:

-Dark chocolate complexion
-Tall, athletic stature
-Bedroom eyes
-Luscious, kissable lips
-Unique, attractive style
-Defined bone structure
-Aspiring model

What you saw through your peephole:

There's nothing quite like online dating.

God Bless America!

Undergut: Evolution.

2009-11-05T09:07:00.001-05:00

Scott Speedman apparently didn't get the memo. Just because you have one franchise that seems to go pretty well at the box office doesn't mean that you can give up on your career afterward. Seeing as to how it was your chiseled looks that got you where you are today, I would suggest that you go back to the drawing board and think about how you will go back to eating more Keri Russell (it's been a few years for you both, hasn't it?) and less Roy Rogers. Besides, you look like Robert Buckley (below), and he still has his ab game intact, so don't let that horrendous actor put you on the unemployment line because then your gut will be bloated from emaciation, and since you're not from a third world country, no one will believe you when you say it wasn't your fault.

Not that Americans are apt to help starving people anyway.

Chris Brown Has Given Up On Being Creative.

2009-11-03T19:52:00.004-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Chris Brown's cover for his newest album, "Graffiti". This is a hot ass mess. First of all, Chris Brown is mean-mugging a bunch of cartoon characters. He seems so upset, as if the cartoon characters are stealing his shine. And, of course, what does Chris Brown do when he is angry? He grabs the nearest blunt object he can find, calls up his criminal lawyer, and prepares himself for another domestic abuse case. He's used to it by now.

I find it hysterical that both Breezy and Adam Lambert got lazy and used the same stock photo as their album cover background (see below). They also used the same queen-y, flame-boy-ant shiny silver font for their album names. Where is the creativity, people? And he is wearing Beyonce's robot arm from the Single Ladies video, which is cute on her, but creepy (and possibly a dangerous weapon) on Chris Brown. This is a no-no.

Do you play guitar, Chris Brown? Do you play any instrument other than AutoTune? I don't think so. Hint, hint, Chris: you hold the guitar in front of you when you play it. There. That should make it easier. And you might find it easier to walk in those boots if you actually tied them up. You don't want that glittery font to drip inside your boots, because you know damn well that when you bend over to clean it up your tight ass pants are going to rip and Rihanna's written testimony is going to pop out of your ass where you tried to hide it.

Ghey.

2009-10-29T01:10:00.005-04:00

Adam Lambert seems to be taking a little too much inspiration from his female counterparts. Word on the street is that his new album name will also be inspired by Rihanna. I think he is calling it "A Good Girl Gone Guy". I mean, really, is that pink lip gloss? Are you Lil Mama? No. Until I see you interrupt a performance by Jay-Z, you should not be wearing lip gloss. Period.

I'm just wondering what the new trend is with musicians rubbing on their faces. Is this something cool? Should we all be trying to get in touch with our temples, eyelids, and other features? Where does it end? Lil Wayne named a mixtape "I Can't Feel My Face", but I don't think he intended on everyone else taking pictures of themselves making sure they still could.

We aren't even going to elaborate on how super duper gay Adam Lambert looks. We are simply going to make a quick statement on the matter, and move on. OK. Here we go.

"FLAMINGNESS OF THIS LEVEL IS ONLY ACCEPTABLE IN OUTER SPACE. HENCE YOUR ALBUM COVER."

Madonna is probably O-Facing with 80s tranny delight right now:

In the mean time, I would stay away from all three of these people. Madonna's decrepit puss is probably lapping up water from a dog bowl as we speak. Rihanna looks like she's on a mission to go bite Chris Brown back while he's distracted doing community service. And the permanent glitter aura around Adam Lambert is not hypoallergenic. Just warning you.

PS: I am gay and I love the gays so don't worry. The only homophobia here is my fear that Adam Lambert is going to float into my room with a disco ball hovering over him singing "I'm Every Woman". Don't tell me that shit doesn't scare you either.

It Must Really Be Hard Times....

2009-10-27T20:31:00.003-04:00

Wait. No, hold the fuck on! Is this Keyshia Cole, who's been duping inner city women into buying albums with the same song repeated on it 10 times ("Love sucks. You broke my heart. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel better. Actually, no, love sucks."), on the front of a box of hair relaxer?!?!?! What I mean to say is, are you so damn broke that you are willing to put your face on a box of a perm?

Negros, blacks, African Americans, darker types, coloreds, etc. listen up carefully. Just when I thought we as black people had moved past letting our celebrities show how little we as black people have come over the years, I have to see this bullshit! What is going to be next? Will Kanye West be on a bottle of cocoa butter? Will pig feet come with Beyonce on the jar? Will Jay-Z's face be on boxes of Newports? When are we going to realize that as soon as we let something like this happen, the world jumps on it and exacerbates it? This is truly shameful.

Keyshia, how much are they paying you? In fact, are they paying you at all? Or did you trade your face for coupons to the dollar store and a hook-up from the local crack dealer? Because only the latter is acceptable.

This is prime pickings for HotGhettoMess.com.

Mindfuck: The Shallow End of the Cyrus Gene Pool

2009-10-26T18:32:00.004-04:00

What in the fuck is this? Apparently, Miley Cyrus had a bulimic fit and threw this up, then washed down some Vicodin with a Colt 45. Actually, no, this is simply Miley's younger sister, Noah Cyrus, at a Halloween party. I heard the party's theme was "What Your Older Sister Will Look Like in 3 Years", so this is pretty fucking accurate. If Dakota Fanning got socked in the face by Chris Brown, she would resemble this pretty little thang.

OK, yes, she's only 9. Yes, her teeth are like that because kids her age rarely have straight teeth. Yes, she looks like ~~a cracked-out slut~~ her sister. And yes, I do feel a little bad making fun of her. But, let's be real, Lil' NoNo (just made that up, thank you very much), it was only a matter of time before People magazine had you on their Worst Dressed List. If you wanna remedy the situation, my best advice to you would be take off the trailer trash make-up...unless you want everyone to know what you would've looked like had you and your father not wired money from your sister's bank account to pay your bills.

Strong Enough for a Man, but not for Marc Anthony

2009-10-26T18:23:00.004-04:00

I'm sorry, Marc, did you sit in a steam room before your red carpet appearance? Was J. Lo tickling your anal fissure and getting you all hot and bothered in the limo? No? So you mean to tell me that you have no excuse for those Great Lakes forming around your pits? Oh.

Marc Anthony is seen here with his cougar of a wife in Miami, apparently taking the global water deficit problem into his own hands. Does he expect all the third world kiddies to suckle from his pit fountains? I can't imagine it being much fresher than the stagnant sewer water creating moats around their shacks (I'm not making fun of them!!!!). Hmm, could be a good idea, though. I won't trust it until J. Lo takes a golden shower in it first.

In the meantime, could someone run to CVS and get this dude a stick of Degree? It's just so much inexplicable fucking sweat. It's like his shirt felt peer pressure and started sweating too.

I Didn't Realize It Was Halloween Already...

2009-10-22T15:02:00.002-04:00

Well, if it is, Kim Kardashian is, unsurprisingly, all over that shit. And she is coming as a metallic, cheetah-printed strawberry. She must've been going to that "Everyone Wears Their Favorite Condom Flavor Party", but they weren't going to allow her to come with nothing on... or covered in jizz. Kinda sad, really, since that's the only thing she looks comfortable covered in.

Available for Your Children's Birthday Party!

2009-10-22T14:39:00.003-04:00

If fucked-up looking cross-dressing basketball players are your forte, then for the last decade and a half, there hasn't been a better person to stare at in disgust and complete wonder than the one and only Dennis Rodman. Seen here preparing to walk for John Galliano's Spring/Summer/Apocalypse 2012 collection, Dennis brings back memories of the birthday clown that didn't smile enough, touched you too often, and made provocatively shaped balloon figures. It creeped you out, huh? He would start folding that balloon, but no matter what, the balloon shape he wanted you to have was "sausage". And while you studied the meaning of such a balloon shape, you felt something slide up your leg....

OK, maybe that's just me.

He still looks fucking disgusting.

Mindfuck: The Definition of Coochie Cutters (NSFW)

2009-10-21T20:28:00.003-04:00

So, class, here's the pop quiz question of the day: What part of Pam Anderson's gelatinous meat flaps isn't struggling to stay muzzled by her Baywatch slutsuit? I can hear her labia majora screaming for dear mercy, begging to surrender. If you look really closely, I think her taint is waving a white flag. It's official folks: her junk can't take too much more of this.s

Pam, that Ronald McDonald mask is pretty freaking, but for the record, I think people would rather see the lips you had surgically enhanced. Wait... no, that doesn't differentiate the two. Hmm... this one's hard. The point, bitch, is that if you're desire was the scare the shit out of people, you could've just projected a picture of your cougar slice onto the wall. The only way things could get anymore terrifying is if she walked out on her hands... who knows where her parts would have slide by the end of the runway? *Sighs*... gravity just can't be tricked, huh?

Ralph Lauren to Normal Women: Lose Weight.

2009-10-21T20:10:00.005-04:00

Uh oh, boys and girls. Either Ralph Lauren is letting the freshman computer science class at DeVry photoshop his ads, or he did this with malicious intent. Ralph Lauren, you are making an emphatic statement with these ridiculously photoshopped ads: "being thin is not enough. The new it thing is to be invisible. Like, nonexistent. Yes, nonexistent, like how you feel when you walk into a room and no one pays attention to you because you are too fat. Oh, and by the way, if you are fat, you don't even qualify as human anymore."

Tough luck, ladies. Losing all that baby fat, woman fat, fat needed to keep you alive, vitals organs located in the torso etc. etc. is probably going to be a bitch. But if you can pull it off without vomiting your own pancreas, congrats! You'll be able to fit into Ralph Lauren's Spring/Summer 2010 collection.

What did Krusty Karl Lagerfeld, the man who saved Chanel, have to say about this depiction of "a beautiful woman"?

Something along the lines of: "She's still too fat. And not as pretty as me. Baptiste, fan me down and hold back my hair while I purge." Of course, Krusty, of course.

New Tag: "Please Stop Eating".

PS: for all of you who don't know who Karl Lagerfeld's ~~sex slave~~ modeling apprentice is, here he is with Krust y. You can sort of see the leash peaking out of his shirt.

Have You Ever Heard of a Comb?

2009-10-21T20:01:00.004-04:00

Seriously, guys, it's getting frustrating at this point. Has anyone seen ~~my scarecrow~~ LaToya Jackson?

I mean, seriously, LaToya... come on. What I'm about to say might be too soon for some, but I just have to get it out there. Ahem... be ready... ok.

Dear LaToya,

Trying to look like Michael Jackson won't make him come back. Please find other ways to cope that the public doesn't run in fits of terror away from.

Thanks.

But on a serious note, LaToya, you better do something with that weave of yours. It's getting ridiculous. Anymore split ends and Tyra is gonna rip it off and wear it on her show. Nobody wants that to happen.

AND WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING?!?! OH, LAWDS, CATCH ME LEST I FAINT.

And the Award for Most Likely to Die of Old Age Soon Goes To...

2009-10-21T19:52:00.005-04:00

...Lindsay Lohan! Congrats, crackwhore. I swear, I don't know who does your make-up, where you get your crack, or where you tan, but GOODNESS SAKES! You look more mature than you ever have before! You beat Donatella Versace at her own game (have you ever played this game before? It's called "Let's Be Beastly". Donatella's a natural.).

But the most important experience you ever got from this transformation (she's only halfway done... she plans on looking like LaToya Jackson by February) is the sickly gold-orange hue everything from your scalp to your axe wound has taken on. Yum... skin cancer never looked so *posh*.

PS: New tag, just you, Lohan - Greatest Hits: Lindsay Gone Wrong.

Just When You Thought We As a Black Community Had Given Up on Blond Updos...

2009-10-21T19:38:00.003-04:00

RiRi makes yet another triumphant return with her most ridiculous looking cut yet. Bitch, why is your hair 5 inches away from your head? It's not a fro... so why the fuck is it so damn high? I don't understand. I really don't.

Honestly, this is really disappointing for me, because just when I thought black people had moved away from nasty weave like this (other than Tyra... her weave is on a whole different planet. PS: did anyone hear about Tyra's live colonic on her talk show? Sorry, Tyra, but I have no interest in seeing the various lipids being stored in your gas chamber. Kudos on being brave enough to show everyone what ended your modeling career, though.), big ass bling-bling, ugly ass make-up, UGLY ASS ROOTS, and ashiness (or skin whitener. I can't really tell which one.), RiRi brings her colorful Caribbean-ass back up to the Americas. Unacceptable.

And the barbed wire bondage she's showing off on the cover of her new single, entitled "Russian Roulette", is simply disgusting. I can't really blame her, though... it was probably Chris Brown's idea, and you know after he bit her (and she liked it, even though she told the police she didn't), she had to take the kinkiness to the next level. Justin Timberlake will not be able to handle all this fucked up BDSM-type shit she's toting around. Talk about baggage.

AND THE BITCH LOOKS LIKE ALIEN!

Parents: Hide the Children.

Stop Acting Like You Like It!

2009-10-21T13:55:00.004-04:00

Us: Oh, yeah, Adam Lambert, you're so totally interested in whatever is between that beautiful woman's legs. Oh, yeah, you just love it, don't you?

Adam: Yes, I fucking love--umm, what you guys call it again? Va... va...?

Us: Vagina?

Adam: Oh, yeah... I guess.

(Little did we know that the "model" he was groping was actually a post-op transexual. That's right! Flown straight in from Thailand. We got it for a good price, too.)

But seriously, Adam Lambert, you couldn't possibly think that people might not view you as a flaming homosexual glam rock outcast who was runner-up on American Idol and hit notes higher than Whitney before she covered her bronchi in crack soot simply because you were seen on or around some lady parts, right?

Hint, hint, Adam: if you're looking for a penis, you'll never find one. Don't look down your pants, either... That one shriveled up in misery when Kris Allen won.

I'm Back...

2009-10-21T13:52:00.002-04:00

Twitter.

Facebook.

Tumblr.

And, of course...

Recent. Ugliness.

Step your bookmark game up.

Hiatus....

2009-10-13T18:40:00.000-04:00

Until I can get my shit together and start better planning my time while I am here in college, I will be going on an indefinite hiatus. I would rather be consistent then simply drop in every so often, so until I feel I can do that... we will let this blog be. For now.

And This is Why I Didn't Accept My Mother's Friend Request on Facebook...

2009-09-30T21:59:00.001-04:00

OH HELL NAW.

Hot Topic: Gay-for-Pay? Does it really exist?

2009-09-22T16:48:00.004-04:00

So I don't know if you are secretly obsessed with ghetto-ass Tyra, her ghetto booty, and her ghetto Emmy Award-winning day time talk show (which apparently isn't edited because this bitch is always stumbling over words and slipping into random fits of ebonics... Tyra we know you're from ghetto ass Inglewood but you're not gonna get Oprah's fan base by recommending which dollar store handbag give you the most bang for your buck+tax. Or by being on the CW.), one of the hottest episodes of this season, as evidenced by the over 500,000 views the corresponding YouTube videos got (isn't it scary that more 500,000 people went out of their way hear crazy-ass Tyra's tyra-ades?), was an episode on straight actors who do gay porn, affectionately referred to as Gay-for-Pay. I've seen this episode twice, and if there is one thing for certain, Tyra and her predominantly ignorant, female, ghetto, and black/latino (I feel like I'm being redundant) audience were not big fans of the people who took time to come on her show. I bet they told all the gay men that usually populate the audience to go invade Maury's studio so a mass orgy wouldn't break out on stage. Or, taking a good look at the size of that monster, on Tyra's ~~forehead~~ ~~ass~~ ego. Anyway, the result of the episode, which you should take a look at below, is Tyra and her femi-nazi hoodrat audience being extremely condescending towards the guys.

So the overarching debate that exists is... IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A STRAIGHT MAN COULD HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN?

Well, let's think. Can a stripper be celibate? Can a straight female stripper dance for women? Can a straight male stripper dance for men? Can a gay man have sex with women? Could a lesbian have sex with a man? Can a straight girl do lesbian porn? Better yet, how many straight girls do lesbian porn? Do you have to feel a physical attraction towards someone in order to have sex with them? I wonder, I wonder....

I like to think of things from a technical point of view. Men get boners for no reason. It's true. Trust me. That being said and commonly known, it is safe to say that man can become erect without having to be specifically turned on by the things they are attracted to. Now, sex feels good. Technically speaking, your dick doesn't know the difference between a girl's throat, a guy's ass or your own hand. As long as it feels good, the dick is happy.

So, keeping the idea of dick-happiness in mind, I don't see how people can say that such a phenomenon as gay-for-pay doesn't exist. I think the big problem is that people need to learn to separate and differentiate between sex, sexual attraction, and emotional attraction. Sex is just something people do, because it feels good and it feels instinctual. If a straight guy can plug an ugly chick and her ugly puss just because he's horny, even though he feels no attraction towards her, he can definitely plug a guy because he's horny, even if he feels no attraction towards him. If a straight girl can fuck around with another girl just to impress a guy, then a straight guy can still get with a dude and be straight... right?

Second of all, the people you have sex with, while often correlated to one's own sexual orientation, is not the be all and end all of one's sexual orientation. If this were true, gay men who live their lives without acting on their homosexual impulses, get married and live their lives as straight, all the while lusting for men, would be considered straight. Would you say that a man who has never been with a man, has a wife and kids, gets to his deathbed and finally says "I've been lying. I'm a gay man." ~~(with an incredibly raspy voice because he's been smoking Kool cigarettes for years, like someone I know... dot dot dot.)~~ has to be straight just because of his actions? Probably not. Now would you say that a gay man who has sex with women for money has to be straight, or at least bi? Of course you wouldn't. So why does then does a straight man who has sex with a man for money have to be gay, or at least bi? One could screw the opposite/same gender all his/her life, and if it's not the gender one feels a sexual attraction and emotional attraction to, that person is simply screwing despite his orientation. How this could not apply to both spectrums of sexual orientation is beyond me.

Scientifically speaking, an innumerable amount of men have reported watching porn, masturbating (or more), and doing other homoerotic things with other guys when they are younger, yet go on to have no real sexual attraction to men in the future. This is scientific fact, so please don't try to negate this with your opinion. This is just another example of how physical pleasure and sexual attraction are often mistaken for one another, instead of being noted as two interconnected things.

Second of all, almost everybody has a price. Doing my "research" (ehem... *blushes while being black so no one can see it*) on the porn business, I have learned the amenities of even an average, or new, gay porn star doing amateur work. These guys get flown out to beautiful parts of the country, namely Miami, LA, and San Francisco, roomed up in some of the best hotels, work for a few days, get paid 1000s of bucks for an onscreen orgasm, and then are flown home. They literally pay for nothing... not even a cab to and from the airport. They work a few hours tops each day then go off to explore the city they were just able to travel to for free. Now I'm not advocating porn, but I think there are a lot more straight guys than one is willing to admit that would be down to do something for a certain price. Straight guys were recently interviewed on the street being asked, "Would you suck a dick for 1500 bucks?" and their replies were "1500 is not enough". NOT ENOUGH? WHAT IS ENOUGH? YOU MEAN THAT FOR ENOUGH MONEY, YOU WOULD CONSIDER IT? How about 5000 bucks, a free ride to San Francisco, and connections to more studios that will pay more and more money? Now a straight guy with no cash, whether he is willing to openly admit it or not, would strongly consider that, even if he didn't act on it. So if a straight guy does it he must be gay, but if a straight guy only considers it, he can still be straight? Interesting.

I think the reason that people think that someone can't have sex with a gender he/she is not attracted to is because straight males make such an effort to assert and enforce their straightness. Most straight guys are absolutely offended when asked if they are gay (as if the "straight" clothes, hair, walk, voice, etc. that they make an effort to show off aren't doing the job), try to avoid anything that seems "gay" (which in itself, is quite illogical), and all around give the impression that homosexuality is so far from what they could ever be. This makes women, and other men, but mostly women, think that no straight man could possibly bring himself to do anything with a man. But listen up, women! What men say and do and what they think are and always will be, two different things. Don't let the macho-ness fool you, because unless they think being gay is a sin or a disease (douches), they probably look at homosexuality in a different light than they say they do. And they probably do it to impress you. How sweet.

Now I'm not saying every straight man in the history of the world would have sex with men for money. Nor am I saying that a certain amount of money is guaranteed to get a straight guy in bed. Or the couch. Or the kitchen. Damn. Anyway. All I am saying is that when you are horny, young, good-looking (and you know it), broke, and looking to get through college or just make ends meet , then being paid thousands to weekend in Miami while getting a BJ (from someone who happens to be a man) suddenly sounds a bit irresistible.

I'm just saying.... For 50 bucks, a bottle of Patron, and some antibacterial mouthwash, I'd probably lick your puss. Does that make me straight?

But only if the price is right.

Is It Just Me, Or is Amber Rose Absolutely Disgusting?

2009-09-22T14:58:00.003-04:00

I mean, if this is your forte, then by all means, go for it. Do what you like to do. But in all honesty, there is nothing appealing about milk-dud heads and Thriller contacts. At least not to me. Kanye is all over that shit.

Anyone else have a problem with Amber Rose wearing Xena's chakrams as earrings? Bitch could swing her head while giving head and chop off Kanye West's minuscule nutsack. Then we would all join arm in arm and sing "How could you so nutless?" whenever his music came on.

And while she's emasculating Kanye West more than Kanye West himself did at the VMAs, I hope that chakram whips back and chops off the ugly bitch's head. Or at least her dick-sucking lips, which take up a disproportionate amount of her face.

The Only Things You Really Need to See from the VMAs

2009-09-15T16:54:00.001-04:00

Best of the '09 VMAs: Kanye West Ruins Taylor Swift's Life and Lady GaGa Ruins Everyone Else's

2009-09-13T23:50:00.003-04:00

Kanye West makes his opinion known. And Taylor Swift's ass is dead silent. Like someone just slapped the fuck out of her. Or at least that's a good equivalent. Too bad Kanye didn't win anything all night (which I thought was a bit unfair), because shit would've hit the fan so hard Pink's trapeze-flipping ass would've gotten slapped by a mud pie in mid-air.

By the end of Lady Buttsexxx's "artistic" performance, I was crying. I don't know why, but this is complete rape of the senses. Mindfuck. Alert. You name it. This is very well as ridiculous as it gets. I thought that bitch ahd a quick stroke in mid-air. She was so... still. Very scary. And when she is playing piano, she looks like she's possessed by a epileptic hermaphrodite.

And this, my friends, is why I watch this bizarr-o ass crazy shit every fucking year.

Mindfuck: Killin' Pussies

2009-09-10T15:10:00.000-04:00

This is disgusting.

Mindfuck: Lady GaGa Needs to Trim Her GaGa

2009-09-02T15:05:00.002-04:00

In what world is this attractive? I take pity for the man, woman, or domesticated animal that finds a pink pube bush attractive. Lady GaGa reinforces one thing: she's disgusting. And a hermy.

Sept. 1st Tip of the Day: What Not to Do With Cocoa Butter.

2009-09-01T16:40:00.004-04:00

Well, if you are Steve Harvey, or look like Steve Harvey, or are black and bald... and old, you should not rub it all over your exposed upper body. Actually, your upper body shouldn't be exposed at all. Dear Mr. Gross Moustache Man, this is really not attractive. Who are trying to court? Why do you have your shirt off? Who recommended that you take your shirt off? Why did you bath in Oompa Loompa syrup? Why are you so shiny? Why are you so happy? Why are you here? As you can tell, my questions are both plentiful and unanswered.

So, my tip for today, in mathematical form to celebrate my going back to school ---> spray tan : cocoa butter :: water : oil

Proceed with caution.

PS: I know it has been a while but it's time to turn over a new leaf. I've made a location change, a surrounding change, and now I'm back on my feet. So no worries: I'll never leave you alone for more than a week ever again.

Fashion Icon My Ass

2009-08-22T20:49:00.002-04:00

I don't care how revolutionary your First Lady style has been for black women all over the world, high rise shorts and running shoes? And you're not even running? Unforgivable.

Heidi Klum had this to say about Mama Obama: "Michelle, Malia, you're both out. Auf Wiedersehen."

You tell 'em, German-chick-who-gets-pregnant-once-a-month-and-then-reverts-to-being-model-stick-then-immediately-after-labor.

GQ Plays MJ

2009-08-22T20:42:00.003-04:00

What better way to show tribute to someone? Put that person on the cover of one of the biggest magazines in print. Then, say said tributed person was only special during a specific point in time. Yeah!

I don't have much of an opinion on this. I think it's kinda funny that GQ still has balls enough to say stuff like that to a sensitive American public. Case in point: Jermaine Dupri. He didn't like the title very much at all, and voice his views on his Twitter. But only fools would follow him so he was pretty much talking to himself.

It's the cover of the new Sept. Issue, which is the most famous and popular issue of the magazine, which features a bagillion pages of the Fall Style Manual. So you're probably pretty tacky if you don't go get it.

THIS IS ACTUALLY STEVEN TYLER OF AEROSMITH. COMPLETE MINDFUCK.

2009-08-22T20:40:00.001-04:00

*BARFS IN THROAT AND SUFFOCATES FROM IT*

Mindfuck: Does that Pale Chick Next to Tyra Have a Happy Trail?

2009-08-22T20:33:00.002-04:00

Tyra is such a catty little whore. She's like "Everyone should embrace their bodies and strip down in public and show the world you are proud". Easy to say when your a tall, skinny modelbitch with quality Yaki weave and a girdle, corset, and slim undies on for good measure.

See, Tyra knows it's not easy to look the best in the picture these days. She's lost her pizazz. Well this bitch isn't going down without a fight. She got a bunch of ugly-ass, NOT-SO-SKINNY women to strip down behind her, look primitive, and make her look great.

Tyra... wins again.

AND ARE THEY PLAYING CATCH WITH TYRA'S WEAVE COLLECTION? SMH.

God Bless America!

Since when is Cellulite Attractive?

2009-08-22T20:21:00.005-04:00

Who do I blame for Amber Rose's massive delusions of grandeur? The Hip Hop Community. For years, the black man has relished in the proverbial "Fat Booty", with all its round, chunky goodness. However, the more it's become a sex symbol amongst the minority folk, the less women have been prone to take actually care of their badonks. The result is fatty ass just hanging out. BAM, MUTHAFUCKA! All in your face.

But on a more unacceptable note, Amber Rose's saggy ass titties are covered up by what? An orange string! People! NO! This is not acceptable. Her love handles are starting to make moves in directions opposite her body, her ass is losing an epic battle with gravity, and what does Amber Rose do hide the torment her torso is enduring? She shows that nasty shit off to the world.

Well no thanks, Amber. Go find whatever curtain you ripped that string cutting into your fuck cut from, and try to wrap that shit around at least the lower portion of your fat ass cakes. Show some goddamn mercy. FUCK.

Or you could just have Kanye's massive lips suck the fat right out of you like that laser liposuction Kim Kardashian got on her show. That would be OK, too. And put a bra on too, while your at it. We don't want to see your chest ass, either.

1,000 Unique Page Views in the Last Few Weeks!

2009-08-16T14:17:00.002-04:00

Yay, people, Yay! We are spreading! Slowly, of course, but surely! Keep spreading the word! Tell your friends! Let the whole world know about Recent. Ugliness.

Aaaaaaaaaaand.... while you're at it, play with my Twitter at twitter.com/dmichaelpadilla.

KThanksBye.

I'm Totally 35! Don't I Look It?

2009-08-16T14:13:00.003-04:00

Answer to the titular question: no, Victoria Beckham, you do not. You look like Margaret Thatcher. Elizabeth Taylor. The Queen of England a couple of decades ago. What do all of these women have in common? THEY DO NOT LOOK 35!!!!!!!

WTF, Victoria? Why do you look so heinously old and worn the fuck out in this picture? I simply do not understand. For someone who is supposed to be all fashionable, divalicious, and *posh* (BAHAHAHAHAHA PUN PUN PUN PUN), you are just too cougarish today. You should know that neither wrinkles nor the five-head are fashion symbols.

Get your shit together.

Edited thanks to fucking Shannon.

Brooke Hogan Tries to Shit On People, Only to Have People Shit Back On Her.

2009-08-16T14:06:00.002-04:00

OK, if talking shit about people who's careers are far superior to your own isn't bad enough, then please read what just one of hundreds of Brooke Haters had to say to her via Twitter:

Brodi_Avalon @BrookeHogan . Remember, you can't spell " Brooke Hogan " without " Broke Ho"

OMFG! Does anyone else think this is ridiculously funny as fuck? Dude sent this straight to her! ON TWITTER! If you've ever played with your Twitter, you know that whenever someone says @displayname, the person who's display name you listed automatically receives the message! That means Brooke started playing with her Twitter and discovered a whole lot of hate! Damn. Gotta love it.

That's what happens when you talk shit.

ALERT: STEWIE IS A HOMOSEXUAL!

2009-08-16T14:04:00.001-04:00

Don't believe me? Read quote, straight from the mouth of Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane:

"We had an episode that went all the way to the script phase in which Stewie does come out. It had to do with the harassment he took from other kids at school. He ends up going back in time to prevent a passage in Leviticus from being written: ‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind. It is an abomination.’ But we decided it’s better to keep it vague, which makes more sense because he’s a 1-year-old. Ultimately, Stewie will be gay or a very unhappy repressed heterosexual. It also explains why he’s so hellbent on killing [his mother, Lois] and taking over the world: He has a lot of aggression, which comes from confusion and uncertainty about his orientation."

OH SHIT SONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

Megan Fox Is Making Complete Sense Right Now

2009-08-16T14:00:00.003-04:00

It's time for another episode of, "Wait. Did This Bitch Really Just Let That Bullshit Flow Out of Her Mouth?" The answer to the titular question? Yes. She did. Watch.

Parents: Hide the Children.

KK gets KUed

2009-08-16T13:54:00.002-04:00

That's right, Kourtney, we know about you. Maybe you should have taken a page from your sister's book. See, here is Khloe Kardashian taking it in her mouth. That's what you should have done. Maybe then you wouldn't have gotted knocked up (KUed).

Despite what Kim might have told you, it's your throat that leads to your stomach, not your uterus. Poor girl. Have fun with Daddy Disick. Or is it Didick? DickSick? DickMakesMeSick? I'm not quite sure.

Is This Jamie Foxx Naked?

2009-08-16T13:47:00.005-04:00

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK! I REPEAT NSFW!!!!!! DO NOT SCROLL DOWN WHEN YOUR BOSS, REVEREND, HOMOPHOBIC ROOMMATE, GRANDMOTHER, ETC. IS IN SIGHT!!!!!!

OK, let's discuss this. Is Jamie Foxx really the type of person to take a nude picture of himself at all? We all know that once a person takes a nude picture on his/her phone, it really isn't up to that person whether or not the picture gets around to the public. It's kinda common sense, actually: take nudie, have all of America see nudie, feign embarrassment, repeat. But even if he is the kind of person to do this, is he that buff these days? We all know Jamie is muscular and always have been, but he's never been football player brolic. And even if you make is past that, one major question remains: would a black man of importance in 2009 really consider wearing a du rag? Well, if this really is Jamie Foxx, then shame on you, Jamie! Du Rags are a no-no. That's basic knowledge.

She Lost the Weight... But At What Price?

2009-08-16T13:42:00.002-04:00

Here's a recent pic of Mischa Barton, making her 6 millionth appearance on this blog, simply because she can't hold herself together in public. She's been able to keep off the infamous beer chin (See post: Beer Chin), but at what price? She's crack fiending it in public, sucking down the cancer sticks while attempting to keep her greasy hair from being caught aflame. It's a rough life. And that waitress outfit isn't helping anything.

Thank God I made a greatest hits tag for you a long time ago, Beer Chin. It's being put to great use.

Alert: Welcome To The Fiery Pits of Hell

2009-08-16T13:39:00.002-04:00

Oh, yeah, baby, we've hit the jackpot. Down Syndrome Baby Gosselin has hit us with the big ones. He's shown us the real reason his wife hates him. The real reason America hates him. It's the pits. The dirty, stinky, funky, nasty, ugly pits, born from the recesses of Down Syndrome hell. How utterly disgusting.

Keep it coming, Jon. You make this toooooooo easy.

Few Creatures Turn Me On Like This Thing Does

2009-08-16T13:32:00.003-04:00

Yum. I would love to run my tongue all over her freckly, porous, and bumpy chesticles. And please, bring that brachial gelatin closer to my face! I'm turned on just thinking about it.

But on a more serious note, let's play a game called "How I Know Your Hair Is Fake":

Your eyebrows don't match.
The hair color on top of your hair doesn't match the hair color next to your head.
I can tell clip-on weave when I see it, boo boo. Tell me how you have a small amount of straight hair on top of your head, and tons of curly interlocked weave behind your head!

If you can't tell, I just went on a complete binge of DListed.com. You should do the same.

Just When You Thought She Had Her Shit Together...

2009-08-12T20:06:00.002-04:00

Britney is letting herself go in front of the cameras again. While she's not beating up sedans with her umbrella, and she isn't bald (at least not from what we can see), she is looking a bit raggedy. She's the epitome of trailer trash right now, complete with split ends and a brachial artery choker.

Note to all human beings: wearing anything tight around a body part that would swell around it is never a good idea. OK. Glad we got that out of the way.

Is anyone else loving the Asians in the background doing what they do best? Snap away, my fellow Asians, snap, snap away.

Alert/MindFuck: Easily the Most Disgusting Thing I've Ever Seen

2009-08-12T20:03:00.002-04:00

The day your tricep is the same size as your bicep, you've worked out more than you ever should have. That is a good self defense mechanism, though. I wish I were able to clothesline people no matter what direction I'm facing.

Kudos to Josh Peck

2009-08-11T06:13:00.003-04:00

I took a look back into the deep recesses of time, and noticed that Josh Peck did a nice sweep around from Fat Kid to being even moderately attractive. Congrats to Josh.

Mischa Barton Claws Hers Dress To Shreds

2009-08-04T23:26:00.003-04:00

She's so wild and crazy these days! Little ole Mischa lost the beer chin but gained a really bad feline temper. And her dress took the brunt of the punishment. And then she wore it to display how ferocious she was.

But seriously, this is disgusting. She's kinda pretty again, I guess....

Alert: RUUNNNNNNNN!!!!! CASSIE'S COMING!!!!!!!!

2009-08-04T23:24:00.002-04:00

Cassie Ventura used to look good. What the fuck happened? Now she just looks like a registered sex offender from Paris. And her new song with Diddy is doody.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, CASSIE!

Keri Hilson Takes A Dip Into a Giant Tub of Vaseline

2009-08-04T23:21:00.002-04:00

Damn, Keri! Why are you so damn shiny? I love you, though. She looks good, but I don't understand why she went all out with the cocoa butter.

True Life: My Father is Famous But I Still Deal Meth for Fun

2009-08-04T23:19:00.003-04:00

Cameron Douglas, son of legendary actor Michael Douglas, grandson of legendary actor Kirk Douglas, just got busted for attempting to deal meth. Why does this happen? Don't act like you are caught in the struggle. You don't need to make ends meet in any sense of the words.

Dealing meth is never a good look. Just in case anyone reading this was planning to do so.

Fiend

2009-08-04T23:17:00.002-04:00

Damn. This is when you know you need to quit smoking. Jack Nicholson is too much.

Fatty Clarkson Eats Reporters for Breakfast

2009-08-04T23:14:00.001-04:00

Run, Sam Champion, Run!

Here is Fatty Clarkson showing how much she can fit in her mouth at once for all the New York news watchers. Don't think she is completely ape shit? Scroll down.

She's lost every damn screw.

Alert: White People Spotted At 106 & Park

2009-08-04T23:09:00.002-04:00

I wonder where they were trying to go and how they unluckily landed here...

But on a more serious note, Marlon Wayans and might-as-well-be-black actor Channing Tatum dragged their fearful caucasian costars into what might as well be a Black Panthers meeting to promote their latest movie, "GI Joe: Rise of Cobra", due in theaters this Friday. Will it be good? I wonder, I wonder.

Death of Nigga-Naps

2009-08-04T23:06:00.003-04:00

If Jay Z weren't such a good rapper, he would be permanently banned from every respectable part of America for rocking the nappy roots like it's a good look. It's not. Note to all negros, hispanics, etc. with thick hair: GET THAT SHIT CUT! Jay Z can't step to anyone trying to be hard when he is rocking crack locks.

And what is he trying to lick?

BLUEPRINT 3 OUT SOON!

I Think It's Safe to Say That Eminem Officially Hates Mariah Carey

2009-08-01T15:05:00.003-04:00

All that talk about where they orgasmed and shit was a bit graphic. I'm really afraid for Mariah right now. Eminem is crazy.

Jessica Simpson is a Fool.

2009-08-01T14:15:00.001-04:00

And this is why everyone should get Twitter.

God Bless America!

Alert: Down Syndrome Baby is Having Gender Issues

2009-08-01T14:04:00.004-04:00

This is upsetting. He's as typically frumpy and tacky from the neck down as he usually is. But the face/head create a problem. you all know what that problem is. And we will simply leave it at that.

Points for Down Syndrome Baby: He's not wearing Ed Hardy or Christian Audigier. That's a good thing.

Jon and Kate ['s Accessories] Plus 8 [Abandoned Children].

Best [Fall] I Ever Had

2009-08-01T13:58:00.002-04:00

Damn, Drizzy Drake, the only place you are "So Far Gone" to is the hospital. He tore his ACL again after this fall. Get well soon.

Tyrant Banks Guest Starring On "GG" In the Fall....

2009-08-01T13:52:00.004-04:00

Yes, indeedy, people. Crazy-ass power-hungry television dominator Tyra Banks will be guest starring on Gossip Girl this fall. She will not be playing herself, which is surprising because I'm sure Tyra doesn't know what it means to not be an attention whore, but she will try out her facial expression repertoire (like the "Banshee Demon Yoga Instructor" face seen above) playing someone... important. She's acted before (remember Jackie on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?), so let's see if she can hold her own amongst my idol, Chuck Bass.

What's Her Excuse Today?

2009-08-01T13:34:00.003-04:00

OK, I know why I haven't been posting in a the last couple of days. It's production week, and I've been very tired and traveling between the Bronx and the Lower East Side at bizarre times of day. But what is her excuse for wearing this?

Here is the first problem. At first, second, and third glance, she appears to simply not be wearing clothing. This is not surprising to anyone who knows Lady Buttsexxx's habits. But once you figure out that she is wearing a coochie-cutter leotard that exposes her moose knuckle with pride and joy, you have to question just what the fuck is sitting on top of her head.

There spikes and thorns and whips and chains floating all over her head. It's fucking disgusting. I do love, though, how the last few strands of hair are just caught up in the porcupine pins at the back of her head, limp and lazy, just like Lady Rimjob's stylist.

Thank you to Emily Gonzalez for sending this. If people want to see something in the blog, send it to me!

Another Year of Skankiness

2009-07-29T23:11:00.004-04:00

The reason I have always loved Lil' Kim is that she will walk into the Oscars with just coins taped onto her nipples, and then talk in a delightful, petite voice with perfect grammar. If you are gonna dress like a dominatrix/whore, you need to be talking to the way you rap. "WANNA BUMBLE WITH THE BEE, HUH? BUZZZZZZZ." Do you remember those days? Where her voice made you think this bitch would kill you if she saw you not staring at her titties? Those were the days.

Well, I think people should be pleased to know that Lil' Kim might not sound the same, but she still has the sluttiest, most abhorrent taste in clothing. This is the outfit she wore to her birthday celebration recently! Now let's run down the check list:

Fucked Up Weave? Check.
Stereotypically Overbearing Bling? Check.
Breasts Worn as an Accessory, and not a Body Part? Check.
Pantyhose Above The Panties? Check.
Bra That Is Both Under- and Overwear? Check.
Xena, Warrior Princess-inspired skirt? Check.
90s Hooker Heels? Check.

She's never been whorier. Happy belated birthday, Kim. And I know you are my mother's husband's cousin, so you need to stop fronting and come give me an autograph. I love you. Buzzzzzzzzzzzz.

God Bless America!

Alert: You're Disgusting.

2009-07-27T23:15:00.004-04:00

Madonna's arms are anything but attractive these days. I feel like the muscles are ready to slip right off the bone, like they've been boiling with potatoes in an Irish crockpot for 5 hours. It's disgusting. Her muscles have dimples, and those dimples have dimples. Just... Gross.

But to her credit, her old ass has one good asset in her life: Jesus Luz. Her 22-year-old supermodel boyfriend straight out of Brazil. Madonna probably purchased him straight from Sao Paolo because he couldn't speak English. Prime deal. Sources say he's upset that Madonna is reopening her scarab-infested tomb for her ex, Guy Ritchie. Jesus, don't be angry! Now Madonna won't make you fuck her.

Parents: Hide the Children.

Pity Case: Solange "The Name Sounds Familiar" Knowles

2009-07-26T23:41:00.004-04:00

Apparently, not being able to sell albums when your sister's name automatically infers money was too much for Solange Knowles to deal with. This crazy bitch pulled a Britney and shaved her head! Note to ~~Solange~~ that person related to Beyonce: nothing you cut, destroy, remove, etc. can persuade people to purchase "Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams". Except maybe your life.

There's Something About Ri-Ri

2009-07-26T23:36:00.004-04:00

Look at this hair! Rihanna is back again, still rocking a fucked up ass updo. But now she is walking around with this neck full of pearls like it's classy and/or acceptable. It looks like a bunch of clams took a shit on her neck.

And she has porn star lips. Just saying....

AND IS THAT LINT IN HER HAIR?!?

New Tag: "Greatest Hits: Ri-Ri"

JUDO LAW CHOPS THE SHIT OUT OF THE PAPARAZZI! OH SHIT!!!!!

2009-07-26T23:15:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to update the blog yesterday. I had a funeral to attend for the matriarch of the family. Not only was I wearing full formal attire, it was hot as fuck outside and the cemetery was 2 hours away with no shade. And I had to ride in a limo with broken AC and windows that the driver wouldn't unlock. Damn.

Enough of the sob story. Jude Law knocked the shit out of this camera whore! Damn! He has his angry face on too! Her feet are barely on the ground after this one. That's why you stay the hell out of people's faces! They will get you!

It looks like it hurt too.

10 Not-Canceled-Yet Shows that are Mental Crack

2009-07-24T10:32:00.002-04:00

Ever since the summer began, I have begun watching television shows again, albeit on my computer most of the time. I have discovered that some shows are absolutely addicting. Here are my top 10 current shows, in no particular order. Let me know if you disagree.

1. True Blood - This show is absolute crack for the mind. The storylines are insane, the characters are extremely loveable, and every episode manages to hit you with seemingly the biggest bombshell of your life. The killer isn't who you think it is, the monster isn't who you think it is, and nothing is ever what you think it is in this show. Plus, there is tons of blood, gore, sex, and creatures to absolutely fulfill your fantastical desires. Until the episode ends, of course.

2. The Real World: Cancun - With a fresh new cast and fresh new setting every season, The Real World somehow always ends up seeming to be a repeat of the same general plotlines, surprisingly. However, these plotlines never really get old, and when you add the hedonistic surroundings of Cancun during Spring Break to the mix, things get to boiling, FAST. Trust me, there is more sex, cursing, fighting, crying, and even blood in the first few episodes than one might find throughout entire past seasons. And trust me, when you hit episode 5, your heart will stop at least twice while you are watching it.

3. Damages - Glenn Close is a queen in the acting world, Ted Danson shows extreme dramatic versatility, Rose Byrne holds her own among Hollywood's greats, and the storyline will keep you invested, from the very first scene. The jumpy POV also keeps your attention, because in one episode, you might see someone dead, then see that person talking to a friend, then see that person being killed. From the moment Ellen steps out of that elevator in her trench coat, covered in blood, this show will have you hooked. Being a lawyer never seemed so downright dangerous.

4. Nip/Tuck - If you know me, then you know that if there is one show I am absolutely hooked on this summer, it's Nip/Tuck. The surgeries will awe you, sure, but when it comes down to it, it's the storyline that never lets you go. Drugs, sex, infidelity, pregnancy, sexual identity, abuse, body image issues, diseases, trust me, it's all in here, all given their appropriate times to shine and be spoken of. Sean McNamamara, Christian Troy, and their families are the most fucked up people you will ever have the experience of watching for 5 seasons. Plus, there is not a single actor in this show who's acting ability isn't of extreme quality. When you find out who is doing crystal meth and having sex in front of their newborn daughter, you might just start to cry. Beauty never looked so ugly.

5. Degrassi: the Next Generation - One thing is sure, Degrassi is a staple in teen drama, and won't be disappearing any time soon. While the newest cast members have yet to get their acting up to par like now college-attending favorites, the drama certainly doesn't end. I've always respected Degrassi for taking a typical teen issue, exposing it, and dealing with it positively in a way doesn't make people go "wow, that's so cheesy". And the storylines themselves improve as time goes on (can you say weed brownies, diabetic comas, and evictions from dormitories, all in the same 22 minute episode?). Anybody who watches one episode knows that Degrassi is your teenage do-right guilty pleasure. And... Drake used to play Jimmy on it.

6. Gossip Girl - New York Magazine didn't have the cast on it's cover with the headline "Best. Show. Ever." for nothing. This is my absolute favorite show. The storylines are literally too addicting to deal with, especially in the second season, and with the cliffhangers that the second season left us with, we know the shit is going to hit the fan. Plus, things are heading to college, which means no more private school exclusivity. Our privileged preps will have to survive amongst normal folk now, and we get to watch. Plus, Nate is going to Columbia, and GG films on location, so that is reason enough to watch. And, GG might just be the most talked about, buzzing show in recent memory, especially among the youthful crowd, prompting the question, if you're not watching Gossip Girl, what are you watching? Gossip Girl starkly proves that it's all fun and games, until the whole world is watching you play.

7. Southland - An NBC midseason replacement, Southland debuted at a random time of year and had an even more random number of season episodes, 7. I was looking for a drama, Southland had a short season, which always is good to me, so I said, meh, I'll take a look. What I discovered is NBC's audacity to look at South Central LA with less censors and more realism. The camera work is, at times, simply frightening with realism, and the acting and the storylines are stimulating and immediately pull you in. Not only will you not be expecting the teenage boy to be shot, you also won't expect to be shown the murder graphically, and you certainly won't expect it in the first 10 minutes of the first episode (well, you will now). That's the magic of "Southland", showing us that LA won't change without a gun fight.

8. Ugly Betty - Upscale fashion magazine, inhabited with the prissiest and most privileged of New York? Check. Evil super bitch willing to ruin anything to get what she wants? Check. Sluts, loyal gay dogs, manwhores, and prima donnas? Check. Ugly girl from Queens who has to deal with it all? Hmm.... something isn't right here. And "Ugly Betty" makes that clear immediately. The writing, the acting, and the storyline all create one overall feeling for the situation that Betty is in: awkwardness. And it's extremely funny. Vanessa Williams and Michael Urie as WIlhelmina Slater and Marc St. James, respectively, create one of the most over-the-top duos working on TV. And the antics never get old. Plus, Salma Hayek's parodies of campy telenovelas might make you laugh out loud. The Devil really does wear Prada, BUT ONLY THE SPRING/SUMMER 2009 LINE BECAUSE ONLY POOR PEOPLE WEAR PAST SEASONS! That's Ugly Betty for you.

9. Law and Order: Special Victims Unit - Not only the best of all the Law and Orders, SVU may just be the greatest crime drama on television today. It doesn't get old. It's been on for like 500 years, every episode is completely different and completely ridiculous, and yet, SVU is ratings gold. Why? Because America cannot get enough of sexual offenders. And neither will you.

10. Jeopardy - For every time you have flipped to ABC at 7 PM, looked at the set, which hasn't changed in maybe 60 years, mouthed the words "this is JEOPARDY", and stood in dead silence as you tried to answer questions that you have no knowledge of, Jeopardy has to make the list. I'm 17, I could've qualified for Kids Jeopardy and then went on that show and whipped all those little toddlers asses! This show will make you smarter. Or at least give you good tidbits to recite for awkward moments at the cocktail parties. What is... breasts? That is the question.

OK, I know there are tons of great shows out there, but these are the ones that have been keeping my attention so far. Let me know what I'm missing and why; I might make another list with more additions.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Rebbie Jackson Ain't Got It Like Her Brother

2009-07-24T09:28:00.003-04:00

Sorry, Rebbie, but this isn't gonna cut it, especially when everyone is looking at you saying, "your brother was the bomb! What happened?"

I completely love how awkward in her attempts to look magical at the beginning she is. She's like walking down the steps slowly and waving her arms with that constipation face on. Quality.

Chris Brown Needs Acting Classes

2009-07-23T14:07:00.004-04:00

OK at about 0:20, your lips are gonna purse, your eyelids will sink, you will say one thing aloud, even if no one is around to hear you:

"Chris Brown needs to shut the fuck up".

Breezy,

This is why your lawyers told you not to say anything. They knew your wife-beating ass could not read teleprompters fast enough to add emotion also. You can only do one or the other. Take your time, brother....

But, alas, Rihanna's masochistic ass is watching this and going "I know he love me. He ain't gone hit me no mo'". Lies! He can't wait for the day his restraining order is gone and he can walk up on you and pop a gland in one of those tig ole bitties you've were showing everyone on July 4th. He wants to go WWE on your ass for calling the po-po when you disliked the pimp hand. You shoulda known he was gonna get sick of you and start throwing your ass from "Wall to Wall" (PUN!!!!).

And your crazy ass will be waiting there with "Hit Me" signs all over your body. You are foolish, Ri-Ri! Don't fall for this.

But on a more serious note, what hotel does the court have him working at with that jacket on? Not a good look.

Burnt Crack: the Fragrance

2009-07-23T00:01:00.003-04:00

Everyone needs to go out to Walgreens, the 99 cent store, or your local incense dealer on the corner to buy Amy Crackhouse's fragrance when it comes out. That's right, she is coming out with her own fragance. Now you will get to experience what crack, valium, heroin, marijuana, alcohol, bleach, formaldehyde, ink, piss, breast milk, diet coke, ammonia, asshole hairs, dirt, and all other things Amy consumes on a daily basis smells like when mixed together! I'm so excited!

Joe Jackson Gets Crapped On By Society-At-Large

2009-07-22T00:18:00.003-04:00

I personally think Joe ~~Jackass~~ Jackson was a great ~~father~~ ~~slavemaster~~ ~~Black Stalin~~ manager. Without pushing his children ~~down the stairs~~ as often as he did, they may never have sustained such ~~injuries~~ success.

But to have your raggedy-ass decrepit face on an anti-domestic abuse poster means you did some fucked up shit. I don't know who made and disseminated this poster, but if I were you I would run and hide. Joe is gonna roll that shit up, light it on fire, and beat your ass with it until you can sing "ABC" without Auto-Tune (I hope it wasn't T-Pain who made this, because some tells me those bi-colored locks are flammable as fuck).

Once Joe finds his belt, he'll be available for comments.

Now I'm mad, real mad, Joe Jackson...

Ciara's New Singles Include "Umbrella", "Disturbia", and "Take a Bow"

2009-07-22T00:13:00.003-04:00

Ciara got news about Rihanna's "Neo-Nazi from the Side" new hairstyle and realized the short black crop was now available. She forgot the fact that shit got played the fuck out last year. Get some damn originality.

Does she know her sideburn glue wore off? Somebody wrangle those loose strands before they run off!

Cyndi Lauper and Lil Kim Make Nelson Mandela Decapitate Himself

2009-07-21T23:58:00.003-04:00

I mean how else would you eliminate the sensual onslaught provided to the eyes and ears by this shit?

Cyndi decided to go with a bleached Richard Simmons wig, dreamcatcher earrings, saggy titties, and an old voodoo priest's curtains for her tribute to Mandela. Then she got together with Lil' Kim in an attempt to permanently deafen the greater population of South Africa. Please listen, WITH THE VOLUME LOW! And get some tissue for when your ears start bleeding!

Damn, that's rough isn't it? I love how Lil' Kim's ghetto ass had to keep it hood and transitioned to an acoustic version of "Lighters Up". Instead of using a Ja-fake-an accent, she decided to bleet her performance like Mary's Little Lamb. She is singing all breathy like a fat person who just went for a run. Is she in labor?

When Cyndi Lauper starts singing "Lighters Up", her Richard Simmons wig gives up on her and begins catastrophically seizing atop her scalp. This is a mess, people!

Happy Birthday to Nelson Mandela! Now that these two chicks put you on Helen Keller status, you don't have to worry about being ambushed sensually like this again.

New Tag: "Close Your Mouth". I think it's well deserved.

Jumanji Moobs

2009-07-21T23:57:00.002-04:00

Robin Williams needs to just not do things like this. And this was back when he was "young". What the fuck is his torso composed of now? *SMH*

Mindfuck: Lindsay Winehouse

2009-07-21T23:52:00.005-04:00

Oh, I would pay whole fortunes to avoid having a picture of me that was this unflattering be published. But with cigarette prices these days, Lindsay had to make a choice. And now she is living with the consequences.

Phew. This so unfortunate looking. Complete mindfuck. And whoever took this went on iPhoto and upped the saturation levels. This bitch is glowing from head to toe!

Parents: definitely hide the children. Show them "Herbie Reloaded" and "The Parent Trap" and tell them it's not the same woman.

Damn, this is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson....

Alert: B-BALL BOOBIES!

2009-07-21T23:48:00.004-04:00

Damn, Katey Price. These are some tig ole bitties! This is completely unacceptable. I should not be able to rip your titties off and dribble them down half court! You have your weave all falling into your cleavage crevasse. You are a mess. I feel like she walked into the doctor's office and was like "put 3 implants in each tit".

Parents: Hide the Children. Unless you want them to cut off her breasts and play dodgeball with them.

Alert: Flowers Gone Wrong

2009-07-20T22:16:00.002-04:00

In these situations, I love to let the tags do the talking. Look below, please.

Oh Yeah, It's Bad

2009-07-18T22:51:00.000-04:00

How Could You Let Go of This?

2009-07-18T19:39:00.002-04:00

Actually, I assume she just ran when he finally let go of her. Crackheads have killer grips, you know? Amy Crackhouse and Pete Doherty have called it quits. Finally.

The real question is, when is she going to end her love affair with Valium, Cocaine, and Oxycodone? Never. Because those are ties that bind. True love right there.

His grill is completely MindFuck, BTW.

More Jackson Family Heartbreak

2009-07-18T19:33:00.004-04:00

Jermaine Dupri's selfish ass was like "I'm sorry, Janet, but you are too emotional these days, it's over." I'm not kidding, people. Actually, I don't know if that's the real reason, LMAO. But I do think it's a bit heartless to break up with her after a years-long relationship in the middle of one of her most emotional time spans.

Then again, I would dump a chick who was rocking hats that like that one. Assuming I was dating a chick. Or dating in general. The thought amuses me....

New Tag for JD: "Douchy Fucks". He deserves it.

Rihanna Has a Britney Moment

2009-07-18T19:29:00.003-04:00

Following in the steps of One Hit Wonder Cassie Ventura, Rihanna went ape-shit and shaved the sides of her head. I'm thinking Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Or maybe one of those rights from Chris Brown knocked a screw loose. I'm not completely sure.

What do people think about this new look? I'm not a fan. But she's certainly not ugly. Once Chris Brown get's a hold of her police-calling ass, she will be though! At least she put her bazoombas away.

Whitney Houston Immortalized in Wax

2009-07-18T19:26:00.002-04:00

90s Crack Queen Whitney Houston had her wax figure stand in for her album cover photo shoot. What happened to the ashy, dry lips? The lack of breasts? The overly bony shoulders? The fucked up weave--oh, wait, no that's still there.

Anyone actually looking forward to this album? Whitney might be way past her prime.

Nom Nom Nom Nom

2009-07-18T15:37:00.002-04:00

OK, so I'm just posting this because secretly I've always dreamed of seeing Vin Diesel chow down on some fried chicken. So... yeah.

HUNGRY MOTHAFUCKA!!

Vida Guerra Should Stick to Sucking Dick

2009-07-16T19:03:00.003-04:00

Especially if whenever there isn't something in her mouth, she starts rapping like this. I watched the first 10 seconds and burst out laughing.

Get back on your knees, Vida! You have no talent standing up.

Thanks to Mayte for showing me this.

Alert: SOULJA BOY CROSSED THE LINE!!!!!! Total Mindfuck!

2009-07-15T22:08:00.005-04:00

What in the fuck?!?!?!?! Soulja Boy is going buck-ass-wild with his camera phone! OH SHIT EVERYONE BOOKMARK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know you want to tell everyone about the big ass cucumber that Soulja Boy stole from your fridge and put in his drawers! I know I do! Fresh produce is expensive these days! I would be pissed too! Socks just aren't cutting it these days, huh?

But what about that facial expression? Was he sucking on a Warhead?

Parents: Hide the children. Unless they are size queens. Then they're already on their way to Soulja Boy's house.

And SB: either let the world know what you are really working with or put your fucking pants back on. Nobody likes a tease. :(

Down Syndrome Baby's New Whore's Mugshot!!!!

2009-07-14T15:58:00.003-04:00

Remember Jon Gosselin's new whore who would suck dick for camera time?

Well she really is desperate! She is willing to get arrested just to get a free headshot! She'll do anything for camera time, I'm not lying!

She loves her marijuana. Two bags of it actually. That's why she is seen here, showing everyone that makeup is not her friend. Fake ass eyebrows.

Jake And Resse Trip in Public

2009-07-13T23:15:00.004-04:00

Requiem for a Dream alert: Jake Gyllenhaal and Resse Witherspoon swallowed some cough medicine and were told by their couch to go driving under the influence. Happens every day in Hollywood land, but I bet their now-talking loveseat didn't inform them that paparazzi would be tailing them virtually every fucking place they went. I wouldn't be surprised if the pap had cameras bolted onto the car door. But the druggies didn't notice them. Or the couch told them it wasn't really there. Either way, we got great, flattering pics of the as they drive "spaceship" to "the sun".

Don't trust a hard drug user. You can tell the trippers from their big ass pupils. If you see one of these bug-eyed fuckers doing 80 on the freeway, take a picture too! Then sell it to People Magazine or TMZ.com for 4 million dollars like all the big celebs do to take advantage of their children. Or sell it to me... I'll try to get you a deal at McDonalds.

Alert: Jessica Simpson Eats Her Feelings

2009-07-13T23:11:00.002-04:00

I would be stuffing my fat face full of diabetic coma-inducing shit if my boyfriend dumped me the day before my birthday as well. It's OK, Jessica, ice cream, french fries, and McChickens will never let you down. And your weight will never go down either.

I hope some Cheez Whiz makes you feel better. :)

Fat bitch alert!!

It's Only A Matter of Time Before Disney Releases You From Your Contract

2009-07-12T04:55:00.003-04:00

It was only a matter of time before the pressure Disney's contract put on Miley Cyrus became too much for her libido to take. She's been slutting it up big time for the camera, so much that I had to add like 8ish pics or so of her being a complete teen whore. I don't mind it, Miley. We're all kinda whorey. But you are famous, and 16, and whorey. That's even more fun. And warrents more attention.

Thank God you are actually kinda good looking. Or else you would get it sooooooo much worse! You are still a camera whore though!

PS: I love the watermark on some of the pics. It says "TrainReq" LMFAO!!! They completely called that one. They should put that watermark on Baldy Britney pics also.

Kevin James is Gross With Food

2009-07-12T04:50:00.002-04:00

Kevin James is pictured here having an "Along Came Polly" moment with a friend. He's got some knee, tan, and weight problems going on. I don't really know what to say, other than that maybe next time he should tuck his shirt into his shorts when he goes for a lay-up. Help the onlookers out.

At least he's happy, though. And he's too cool for school playing ball with Matrix glasses. Wow.

Madonna Seeks Penis

2009-07-12T04:45:00.004-04:00

Now this is some true determination. Here Madonna is, right on stage at her concert, beckoning for cock! She doesn't wait to get off stage. She has her urge, and she just sits down and opens up! I admire your bravery and your willingness to say what you want. Skank. Now close your 5000-year-old labias before a scarab pops out.