If Only I Were Erkin Bekbolotov...

What a wonderful name to have. It's pretty sick, easily one of the most interesting and unique names I have heard in a while. I tend to think that those with unique/obscure/atypical names have something unique/obscure/atypical about them, and that intrigues me. Or maybe I'm just crazy and it's better to have a normal name. Might save me a lot of questioning from confused people.

Nah, I'd rather be cool.

Whatever Happened to that Good Ole Fashioned Pancake Booty?

I'll tell you what happened to it: CoCo stole it from every woman in the world and had it surgically inserted into her already abnormally large ass to create this inhuman form living on her coccyx. This ass is humongous! I don't know how to else to say it... but I'll make an attempt to say in a few other ways, just for your entertainment:

CoCo's G-string might be out of tune.
CoCo's thong ain't hanging on for long.
If you ever eat CoCo out, make sure she is laying down. Otherwise, prepare to die.
I think I can hear CoCo's spandex screaming "I Quit".
CoCo's spandex were red when she bought them.
I'm serving Christmas dinner on CoCo's ass.
I'm serving a tennis ball on CoCo's ass.
I'm serving CoCo's ass on a platter to feed a third of the world.
I'm gonna chop off CoCo's ass and make a coat out of it. She can grow another one. It probably just regenerates.
CoCo actually has that weight machine connected to her ass cheeks. Feel the burn!
CoCo wears heels because if she wore flats her knees would be blown right off of her body.
CoCo wears heels because they keep her ass from dragging on the sidewalk.

OK, I'll stop. But you get the jist. Ice T, CoCo's Law and Order: SVU-starring husband, must have an interesting sex life.

And a big ass pothole in his mattress.


Parents: Hide the Children.

Alert: Ni-coke Kidman.

Now I know that people are always looking for new ways to try drugs and make them activate more quickly and whatnot, but didn't Nicole know that rubbing it all over your face and into your corneas is not necessarily the safest method of cocaine consumption? Now we don't care what you experiment with in your own home, Kidman (it's true, we have no interest in your collection of painkillers and vibrators...), but when you bring it out in public for everyone to see, well then gosh darn it! It's time for an intervention.

Who did you think you were fooling donning that luxurious gown as a way to distract onlookers from the fact that coke is slowly getting into your eyes? Do us all a favor, Nicole: next time you wanna go Tony Montana on a fresh kilo, make sure Lindsay's around to snort the remnants off your cheekbones. Then everyone will be happy.

Sharing is caring!

New Tag: Wash Your Face.

If This is the Best We Can Do, We're All Fucked.

In case you didn't know, and you needed a stereotypically jolly black lady with her interracial, minimum-wage earning back-up singers to make up an entire song and sing it for you, AIDS is bad and kills a lot of people!

Now I don't know about you, but if curing AIDS is what it will take to get people to stop doing stupid shit like this, then count me in. I wasn't feeling the whole "AIDS kills millions of people each year" shtick, but this bitch is cuckoo and she needs to be stopped. Fix the damn AIDS already, you bastards! We know you guys discovered the cure a long time ago and that you've been waiting for AIDS to kill off RuPaul and Adam Lambert before releasing it. But the world would be a much better place without these women singing along. As for RuPaul and Adam Lambert... they'll get theirs in due time.

Shake that Ass, Katie!

Oh, how wondrous weddings really are. It's always a delight when, far after the rings have been placed on each other's fingers, the broom has been hopped, and the church has been abandoned, we all take on a little past time valued far above most: getting fucked up and dancing by oneself. It's wonderful, enjoyable, and expected.

Unfortunately, when you are arguably the most successful television journalist today, you sort of give up the right to do ridiculous shit like this... at least when cameras are around. Well 52-year-old Katie Couric decided to say "fuck looking presentable, I needsta shake my ass". And boy did she shake... on literally anyone she could find... including the cameraman, it would appear. (If seeing that last pic coming at you through your camera lens doesn't scare you off... you've got some serious nuts.)

You wanted a cougar? She's all yours.

Pur.

Mindfuck: Behemoth.

Meet the largest swimsuit model on earth. Her name is Amazon Eve (how primitive), and she is a whopping 6'8". Ew.

Well, I am not going to lie, she is a pretty woman, and if she were say, a foot shorter than her huge monkey ass is, she would probably be fierce as shit. But instead, we are left with this. Now I am not going to say she is ugly, I am just going to simply posit that it might be possible that she is not the most attractive person in the world.

When I first saw these pictures, a few things popped into my head. The first was: wow, people are getting really good at photoshopping freaky ass shit like monster people. The second was: maybe it's a real picture, and that barbaric looking woman is really a man. Hell, it might even be Dennis Rodman under a few layers. But then I realized... this is a woman. A real woman. Who actually exists.

WTF. This Amazon warrior has another full human being just lounging on her back like it's a beach chair. Doesn't it concern anyone that this woman could bodyslam you through the floor, then go to the basement and bodyslam you into the sewer? Hmmm... come to think of it, I could use a bodyguard... I would love to see a jackass try to get tough when this bitch is backing me up. The truth of the matter is: the only thing scarier than a big ass monkey dude is a big ass monkey girl. Case closed.

But to be completely honest, the only reason I would be pissed is because I'd have to smell her Amazonian jungle slice if we stood "face-to-face", and that shit probably smells like durian. No one wants that.

Parents: hide the children.

Alert: Dead Wrong. Literally.

Now, I have seen some fucked up things in my life as well as the fake life I lead on the internet (you do it too, so don't judge), but this shit takes the cake by far. This was shown to me by a friend named Malik, and boy, is it offensive, disgusting, horrifying, and downright ugly.

As if black people needed another set back in the movement toward proving that we are a competent, useful race of human beings, these 10-16 year olds decided to undo Rosa Parks's work and shake their underdeveloped (or in the case of a few, shockingly overdeveloped) asses over peoples graves. What kinda ignorant country shit is this? And why, despite it all being way too horrible, do I laugh hysterically everytime the beat kicks in?

One bitch is galloping, one bitch is shaking her legs hoping the energy waves travel to her non-existent ass cheeks, one bitch just turned 10, and one bitch is a dude. When you figure out which one it is, you'll probably gasp. If you do, retweet this post or some shit and show me some love.

And when they start laying down on the graves... well, you'll just have to see for yourself. Thank the heavens that our nation allows us access to videos like this.

God Bless America!

Parents: Hide the Children.

Mindfuck: This Isn't Just Ugly, It's Scary, Pathetic, Deluded, and Downright Sloppy.

Welcome to the Hatred edition of Recent. Ugliness. Take a look at this documentary. Try not to barf, laugh, scoff, get angry, have a stroke, etc. within the first five minutes. If that hasn't fucked your mind into a million tiny pieces, set aside some time to watch this documentary from BBC on the inner workings of the Westboro Baptist Church.

There isn't much I can say about this without getting vehemently upset, but I don't think there is a better modern example of how one man can brainwash his family into justifying hatred AND being shocked when the hatred is redirected back at them. It's stunning, but definitely worth watching.

Sorry to not be funny and really poop on what could've been a great day for you, but I felt this is something that everyone should see.

Shit is pathetic.

Tip of the Day: And You Guys Thought I Was Mean...

If looking at these manboobs or female mustaches makes you feel happy that you are still aesthically pleasing, then do yourself a favor and visit marvelousmanboobs.com and womenwithmoustaches.com. It's the best thing you can do for yourself at this point in time, to be honest with you.

Parents: Hide the Children.

Alert: This Shit is Just Messy.

Here is a special contribution from a friend named Eva. Pay close attention to how many times Kate Bush looks like she is simply about to give up halfway through her choreography... yet she reluctantly musters on through her shrill, wide-eyed tirade.

My biggest pet peeves are when she stumbles through her spins as if she dropped a small item and is frantically searching for it... before she gives up and continues her shrill, wide-eyed tirade, of course. Also, when the bitch simply won't go away at the end, and just stands there, appearing and reappearing while frantically swaying in the wind like she just caught the holy ghost, that shit really ticks me off. Like Eva said, we know that with the budget this cheap-ass video was made on, all Kate Bush did was sway, step back, sway, step back, etc. They plugged the video into Microsoft Porthole (it was a long time ago...) and used Paint to erase her backstepping. The result is this.

Oh, the 80s. How dear you are to us all.

God Bless America!