Tip of the Day: And You Guys Thought I Was Mean...

If looking at these manboobs or female mustaches makes you feel happy that you are still aesthically pleasing, then do yourself a favor and visit marvelousmanboobs.com and womenwithmoustaches.com. It's the best thing you can do for yourself at this point in time, to be honest with you.

Parents: Hide the Children.

JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE FAT.

K-Fed has been spending his back-owed child support money on Fat Macs, it would appear. Seems like big-ass t-shirts are the only things that fit this once-talented back-up dancer. Who is the bitch next to him? Is she responsible for showing him where his dick is? Cuz you know he can't find that shit anymore it's so damn deep in there. Can't blame the dick though: it's getting cold and you might as well retreat into the warmth of warring adipose that makes up K-Fed's FUPA.

Who else would've loved seeing K-Fat on that Oxygen network show, "Get Up and Dance Your Fat Ass Off, You Fat Ass" "Dance Your Ass Off"? That would've been to die for. Well other than a heart attack... at this rate, that's what K-Fed will die for.

PS: In great proof that hickness cannot be phased out, K-Fed wore a symbol of his trailer trash tribulations with Britney: camo sneakers. How low can one get? And I know those sneakers are screaming for dear mercy as K-Fed's gorilla feet squeeze all the air out of them. I can hear it now... "Help! Help! Oh, lord... shit, just kill me now. OW! Just do it."

Yes, that was a slogan pun.

Undergut: Evolution.

Scott Speedman apparently didn't get the memo. Just because you have one franchise that seems to go pretty well at the box office doesn't mean that you can give up on your career afterward. Seeing as to how it was your chiseled looks that got you where you are today, I would suggest that you go back to the drawing board and think about how you will go back to eating more Keri Russell (it's been a few years for you both, hasn't it?) and less Roy Rogers. Besides, you look like Robert Buckley (below), and he still has his ab game intact, so don't let that horrendous actor put you on the unemployment line because then your gut will be bloated from emaciation, and since you're not from a third world country, no one will believe you when you say it wasn't your fault.

Not that Americans are apt to help starving people anyway.

Ralph Lauren to Normal Women: Lose Weight.

Uh oh, boys and girls. Either Ralph Lauren is letting the freshman computer science class at DeVry photoshop his ads, or he did this with malicious intent. Ralph Lauren, you are making an emphatic statement with these ridiculously photoshopped ads: "being thin is not enough. The new it thing is to be invisible. Like, nonexistent. Yes, nonexistent, like how you feel when you walk into a room and no one pays attention to you because you are too fat. Oh, and by the way, if you are fat, you don't even qualify as human anymore."

Tough luck, ladies. Losing all that baby fat, woman fat, fat needed to keep you alive, vitals organs located in the torso etc. etc. is probably going to be a bitch. But if you can pull it off without vomiting your own pancreas, congrats! You'll be able to fit into Ralph Lauren's Spring/Summer 2010 collection.

What did Krusty Karl Lagerfeld, the man who saved Chanel, have to say about this depiction of "a beautiful woman"?

Something along the lines of: "She's still too fat. And not as pretty as me. Baptiste, fan me down and hold back my hair while I purge." Of course, Krusty, of course.

New Tag: "Please Stop Eating".

PS: for all of you who don't know who Karl Lagerfeld's sex slave modeling apprentice is, here he is with Krusty. You can sort of see the leash peaking out of his shirt.