Whatever Happened to that Good Ole Fashioned Pancake Booty?

I'll tell you what happened to it: CoCo stole it from every woman in the world and had it surgically inserted into her already abnormally large ass to create this inhuman form living on her coccyx. This ass is humongous! I don't know how to else to say it... but I'll make an attempt to say in a few other ways, just for your entertainment:

CoCo's G-string might be out of tune.
CoCo's thong ain't hanging on for long.
If you ever eat CoCo out, make sure she is laying down. Otherwise, prepare to die.
I think I can hear CoCo's spandex screaming "I Quit".
CoCo's spandex were red when she bought them.
I'm serving Christmas dinner on CoCo's ass.
I'm serving a tennis ball on CoCo's ass.
I'm serving CoCo's ass on a platter to feed a third of the world.
I'm gonna chop off CoCo's ass and make a coat out of it. She can grow another one. It probably just regenerates.
CoCo actually has that weight machine connected to her ass cheeks. Feel the burn!
CoCo wears heels because if she wore flats her knees would be blown right off of her body.
CoCo wears heels because they keep her ass from dragging on the sidewalk.

OK, I'll stop. But you get the jist. Ice T, CoCo's Law and Order: SVU-starring husband, must have an interesting sex life.

And a big ass pothole in his mattress.


Parents: Hide the Children.

Yay: Sammy Sosa Does NOT Have Vitiligo. He Just Wants To Be White. *Phew*

Well, this is very relieving. Turns out that all the buzz about Sammy Sosa's lightened pigmentation is not such a big deal after all. His family and colleagues say that the lighter complexion is simply associated with bad lighting when the photo was taken. According to them, the retired baseball player was bitching about how old he was getting (he's 40 now) and decided to take a "skin rejuvenation" process. ...Right. It's called skin whitining, and black bitches have been doing it for years now. I don't know what happened to Sammy's though. I guess the nigra-color removers had adverse effects when mixed with the anabolic steroids oozing out of Sosa's pores, because the bitch doesn't look white. He just looks ashy, or simply terrified, like someone told him that they're naming a wing of the Hall of Fame for steroid users after him. Not that it wouldn't be appropriate.

Better yet, Sosa looks like he just came back from retirement the dead (same thing in the eyes of America). Have you ever seen any of those George A. Romero movies? Dawn of the Dead? Day of the Dead? Dead of the Dead? (Sometimes I think they are all the same....) Yeah, Sosa could def be the ringleader of all of them zombie fuckers. It would work out perfectly because he has way too many performance-enhancing drugs in him to be considered a sentient being, but boy is that buff motherfucker still kicking!

In the end, Sammy Sosa would've gotten a post on this blog at one point or another, though. When you look like that, you can consider Recent. Ugliness. your new home.

And we are oh-so-glad to welcome you.

Ralph Lauren to Normal Women: Lose Weight.

Uh oh, boys and girls. Either Ralph Lauren is letting the freshman computer science class at DeVry photoshop his ads, or he did this with malicious intent. Ralph Lauren, you are making an emphatic statement with these ridiculously photoshopped ads: "being thin is not enough. The new it thing is to be invisible. Like, nonexistent. Yes, nonexistent, like how you feel when you walk into a room and no one pays attention to you because you are too fat. Oh, and by the way, if you are fat, you don't even qualify as human anymore."

Tough luck, ladies. Losing all that baby fat, woman fat, fat needed to keep you alive, vitals organs located in the torso etc. etc. is probably going to be a bitch. But if you can pull it off without vomiting your own pancreas, congrats! You'll be able to fit into Ralph Lauren's Spring/Summer 2010 collection.

What did Krusty Karl Lagerfeld, the man who saved Chanel, have to say about this depiction of "a beautiful woman"?

Something along the lines of: "She's still too fat. And not as pretty as me. Baptiste, fan me down and hold back my hair while I purge." Of course, Krusty, of course.

New Tag: "Please Stop Eating".

PS: for all of you who don't know who Karl Lagerfeld's sex slave modeling apprentice is, here he is with Krusty. You can sort of see the leash peaking out of his shirt.

And the Award for Most Likely to Die of Old Age Soon Goes To...

...Lindsay Lohan! Congrats, crackwhore. I swear, I don't know who does your make-up, where you get your crack, or where you tan, but GOODNESS SAKES! You look more mature than you ever have before! You beat Donatella Versace at her own game (have you ever played this game before? It's called "Let's Be Beastly". Donatella's a natural.).

But the most important experience you ever got from this transformation (she's only halfway done... she plans on looking like LaToya Jackson by February) is the sickly gold-orange hue everything from your scalp to your axe wound has taken on. Yum... skin cancer never looked so *posh*.

PS: New tag, just you, Lohan - Greatest Hits: Lindsay Gone Wrong.

Stop Acting Like You Like It!

Us: Oh, yeah, Adam Lambert, you're so totally interested in whatever is between that beautiful woman's legs. Oh, yeah, you just love it, don't you?

Adam: Yes, I fucking love--umm, what you guys call it again? Va... va...?

Us: Vagina?

Adam: Oh, yeah... I guess.

(Little did we know that the "model" he was groping was actually a post-op transexual. That's right! Flown straight in from Thailand. We got it for a good price, too.)

But seriously, Adam Lambert, you couldn't possibly think that people might not view you as a flaming homosexual glam rock outcast who was runner-up on American Idol and hit notes higher than Whitney before she covered her bronchi in crack soot simply because you were seen on or around some lady parts, right?

Hint, hint, Adam: if you're looking for a penis, you'll never find one. Don't look down your pants, either... That one shriveled up in misery when Kris Allen won.

Hot Topic: Gay-for-Pay? Does it really exist?

So I don't know if you are secretly obsessed with ghetto-ass Tyra, her ghetto booty, and her ghetto Emmy Award-winning day time talk show (which apparently isn't edited because this bitch is always stumbling over words and slipping into random fits of ebonics... Tyra we know you're from ghetto ass Inglewood but you're not gonna get Oprah's fan base by recommending which dollar store handbag give you the most bang for your buck+tax. Or by being on the CW.), one of the hottest episodes of this season, as evidenced by the over 500,000 views the corresponding YouTube videos got (isn't it scary that more 500,000 people went out of their way hear crazy-ass Tyra's tyra-ades?), was an episode on straight actors who do gay porn, affectionately referred to as Gay-for-Pay. I've seen this episode twice, and if there is one thing for certain, Tyra and her predominantly ignorant, female, ghetto, and black/latino (I feel like I'm being redundant) audience were not big fans of the people who took time to come on her show. I bet they told all the gay men that usually populate the audience to go invade Maury's studio so a mass orgy wouldn't break out on stage. Or, taking a good look at the size of that monster, on Tyra's forehead ass ego. Anyway, the result of the episode, which you should take a look at below, is Tyra and her femi-nazi hoodrat audience being extremely condescending towards the guys.

So the overarching debate that exists is... IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A STRAIGHT MAN COULD HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN?

Well, let's think. Can a stripper be celibate? Can a straight female stripper dance for women? Can a straight male stripper dance for men? Can a gay man have sex with women? Could a lesbian have sex with a man? Can a straight girl do lesbian porn? Better yet, how many straight girls do lesbian porn? Do you have to feel a physical attraction towards someone in order to have sex with them? I wonder, I wonder....

I like to think of things from a technical point of view. Men get boners for no reason. It's true. Trust me. That being said and commonly known, it is safe to say that man can become erect without having to be specifically turned on by the things they are attracted to. Now, sex feels good. Technically speaking, your dick doesn't know the difference between a girl's throat, a guy's ass or your own hand. As long as it feels good, the dick is happy.

So, keeping the idea of dick-happiness in mind, I don't see how people can say that such a phenomenon as gay-for-pay doesn't exist. I think the big problem is that people need to learn to separate and differentiate between sex, sexual attraction, and emotional attraction. Sex is just something people do, because it feels good and it feels instinctual. If a straight guy can plug an ugly chick and her ugly puss just because he's horny, even though he feels no attraction towards her, he can definitely plug a guy because he's horny, even if he feels no attraction towards him. If a straight girl can fuck around with another girl just to impress a guy, then a straight guy can still get with a dude and be straight... right?

Second of all, the people you have sex with, while often correlated to one's own sexual orientation, is not the be all and end all of one's sexual orientation. If this were true, gay men who live their lives without acting on their homosexual impulses, get married and live their lives as straight, all the while lusting for men, would be considered straight. Would you say that a man who has never been with a man, has a wife and kids, gets to his deathbed and finally says "I've been lying. I'm a gay man." (with an incredibly raspy voice because he's been smoking Kool cigarettes for years, like someone I know... dot dot dot.) has to be straight just because of his actions? Probably not. Now would you say that a gay man who has sex with women for money has to be straight, or at least bi? Of course you wouldn't. So why does then does a straight man who has sex with a man for money have to be gay, or at least bi? One could screw the opposite/same gender all his/her life, and if it's not the gender one feels a sexual attraction and emotional attraction to, that person is simply screwing despite his orientation. How this could not apply to both spectrums of sexual orientation is beyond me.

Scientifically speaking, an innumerable amount of men have reported watching porn, masturbating (or more), and doing other homoerotic things with other guys when they are younger, yet go on to have no real sexual attraction to men in the future. This is scientific fact, so please don't try to negate this with your opinion. This is just another example of how physical pleasure and sexual attraction are often mistaken for one another, instead of being noted as two interconnected things.

Second of all, almost everybody has a price. Doing my "research" (ehem... *blushes while being black so no one can see it*) on the porn business, I have learned the amenities of even an average, or new, gay porn star doing amateur work. These guys get flown out to beautiful parts of the country, namely Miami, LA, and San Francisco, roomed up in some of the best hotels, work for a few days, get paid 1000s of bucks for an onscreen orgasm, and then are flown home. They literally pay for nothing... not even a cab to and from the airport. They work a few hours tops each day then go off to explore the city they were just able to travel to for free. Now I'm not advocating porn, but I think there are a lot more straight guys than one is willing to admit that would be down to do something for a certain price. Straight guys were recently interviewed on the street being asked, "Would you suck a dick for 1500 bucks?" and their replies were "1500 is not enough". NOT ENOUGH? WHAT IS ENOUGH? YOU MEAN THAT FOR ENOUGH MONEY, YOU WOULD CONSIDER IT? How about 5000 bucks, a free ride to San Francisco, and connections to more studios that will pay more and more money? Now a straight guy with no cash, whether he is willing to openly admit it or not, would strongly consider that, even if he didn't act on it. So if a straight guy does it he must be gay, but if a straight guy only considers it, he can still be straight? Interesting.

I think the reason that people think that someone can't have sex with a gender he/she is not attracted to is because straight males make such an effort to assert and enforce their straightness. Most straight guys are absolutely offended when asked if they are gay (as if the "straight" clothes, hair, walk, voice, etc. that they make an effort to show off aren't doing the job), try to avoid anything that seems "gay" (which in itself, is quite illogical), and all around give the impression that homosexuality is so far from what they could ever be. This makes women, and other men, but mostly women, think that no straight man could possibly bring himself to do anything with a man. But listen up, women! What men say and do and what they think are and always will be, two different things. Don't let the macho-ness fool you, because unless they think being gay is a sin or a disease (douches), they probably look at homosexuality in a different light than they say they do. And they probably do it to impress you. How sweet.

Now I'm not saying every straight man in the history of the world would have sex with men for money. Nor am I saying that a certain amount of money is guaranteed to get a straight guy in bed. Or the couch. Or the kitchen. Damn. Anyway. All I am saying is that when you are horny, young, good-looking (and you know it), broke, and looking to get through college or just make ends meet , then being paid thousands to weekend in Miami while getting a BJ (from someone who happens to be a man) suddenly sounds a bit irresistible.

I'm just saying.... For 50 bucks, a bottle of Patron, and some antibacterial mouthwash, I'd probably lick your puss. Does that make me straight?

But only if the price is right.

Mindfuck: Killin' Pussies

This is disgusting.

Sept. 1st Tip of the Day: What Not to Do With Cocoa Butter.

Well, if you are Steve Harvey, or look like Steve Harvey, or are black and bald... and old, you should not rub it all over your exposed upper body. Actually, your upper body shouldn't be exposed at all. Dear Mr. Gross Moustache Man, this is really not attractive. Who are trying to court? Why do you have your shirt off? Who recommended that you take your shirt off? Why did you bath in Oompa Loompa syrup? Why are you so shiny? Why are you so happy? Why are you here? As you can tell, my questions are both plentiful and unanswered.

So, my tip for today, in mathematical form to celebrate my going back to school ---> spray tan : cocoa butter :: water : oil

Proceed with caution.

PS: I know it has been a while but it's time to turn over a new leaf. I've made a location change, a surrounding change, and now I'm back on my feet. So no worries: I'll never leave you alone for more than a week ever again.

Few Creatures Turn Me On Like This Thing Does

Yum. I would love to run my tongue all over her freckly, porous, and bumpy chesticles. And please, bring that brachial gelatin closer to my face! I'm turned on just thinking about it.

But on a more serious note, let's play a game called "How I Know Your Hair Is Fake":

Your eyebrows don't match.
The hair color on top of your hair doesn't match the hair color next to your head.
I can tell clip-on weave when I see it, boo boo. Tell me how you have a small amount of straight hair on top of your head, and tons of curly interlocked weave behind your head!

If you can't tell, I just went on a complete binge of DListed.com. You should do the same.

Chris Brown Needs Acting Classes

OK at about 0:20, your lips are gonna purse, your eyelids will sink, you will say one thing aloud, even if no one is around to hear you:

"Chris Brown needs to shut the fuck up".

Breezy,

This is why your lawyers told you not to say anything. They knew your wife-beating ass could not read teleprompters fast enough to add emotion also. You can only do one or the other. Take your time, brother....

But, alas, Rihanna's masochistic ass is watching this and going "I know he love me. He ain't gone hit me no mo'". Lies! He can't wait for the day his restraining order is gone and he can walk up on you and pop a gland in one of those tig ole bitties you've were showing everyone on July 4th. He wants to go WWE on your ass for calling the po-po when you disliked the pimp hand. You shoulda known he was gonna get sick of you and start throwing your ass from "Wall to Wall" (PUN!!!!).

And your crazy ass will be waiting there with "Hit Me" signs all over your body. You are foolish, Ri-Ri! Don't fall for this.

But on a more serious note, what hotel does the court have him working at with that jacket on? Not a good look.

Alert: B-BALL BOOBIES!

Damn, Katey Price. These are some tig ole bitties! This is completely unacceptable. I should not be able to rip your titties off and dribble them down half court! You have your weave all falling into your cleavage crevasse. You are a mess. I feel like she walked into the doctor's office and was like "put 3 implants in each tit".

Parents: Hide the Children. Unless you want them to cut off her breasts and play dodgeball with them.

Whitney Houston Immortalized in Wax

90s Crack Queen Whitney Houston had her wax figure stand in for her album cover photo shoot. What happened to the ashy, dry lips? The lack of breasts? The overly bony shoulders? The fucked up weave--oh, wait, no that's still there.

Anyone actually looking forward to this album? Whitney might be way past her prime.

Alert: SOULJA BOY CROSSED THE LINE!!!!!! Total Mindfuck!

What in the fuck?!?!?!?! Soulja Boy is going buck-ass-wild with his camera phone! OH SHIT EVERYONE BOOKMARK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know you want to tell everyone about the big ass cucumber that Soulja Boy stole from your fridge and put in his drawers! I know I do! Fresh produce is expensive these days! I would be pissed too! Socks just aren't cutting it these days, huh?

But what about that facial expression? Was he sucking on a Warhead?

Parents: Hide the children. Unless they are size queens. Then they're already on their way to Soulja Boy's house.

And SB: either let the world know what you are really working with or put your fucking pants back on. Nobody likes a tease. :(

Down Syndrome Baby's New Whore's Mugshot!!!!

Remember Jon Gosselin's new whore who would suck dick for camera time?

Well she really is desperate! She is willing to get arrested just to get a free headshot! She'll do anything for camera time, I'm not lying!

She loves her marijuana. Two bags of it actually. That's why she is seen here, showing everyone that makeup is not her friend. Fake ass eyebrows.

Alert: Put Your Titties Away

We are going back in time to relive the good days, where Lil Kim had even less shame and moral construct than she does now. Blond weave, plastic-surgery-wound-cover-up makeup, botoxed lips, messy armpits, TIG OLE BITTIES, and a slut piercing. Where are folks with the balls to do this these days? Lil Kim has proven that the term "Chesticles" can apply to "women" (if that's what you call this) as well.

The only thing funnier than her is all the people in the background trying to catch a glance at just what the fuck this crazy-ass skank walked in the damn building wearing. Kudos, Kim! We can't take our eyes off of you. Even though we want to.

Parents: Hide the Children.

I'll let the tags do the talking.

Alert: Oh, Shit, RUN!

From Bravo TV if they decide to cast this as one of the "Real" House"wives" of New York for Season 3! This is Jocelyn Wildenstein, and she has a legit plastic surgery addiction.

This is not cute! It's scary! It's fugly! It's horrifying! It scares children and adults alike! I simply am not a fan of this kind of visual abuse! Getting a new hairstyle doesn't cover up your malleable playdoh face!!!!!!!!

Parents: hide the children as far away from even images of this "woman" aka wax figure aka ANTICHRIST!

*barf in mouth*

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Wax and Plastic Take Over!

Kathy Griffin wanted to break the news to Joan Rivers herself! Seen here speaking to either Joan Rivers or Joan Rivers's wax statue (both have surprised expressions on their faces at all times), that she will be hosting her Comedy Central Roast this August!

Will you be watching this? I sure will. I love the roasts and I watch all of them. Besides, I want to see if Comedy Central's special effects team can figure out a way to add expressions to the faces of Joan Rivers and all of her plastic friends. Now that will be a real site... might take more CGI than Transformers.

And the irony, Kathy just got a little fake herself! Seen here with her recently sculpted wax figure. I didn't know Kathy was famous enough to have an effigy of herself made out of easily destroyed, recyclable... oh wait. You totally earned it, Kat!

Titty McTitTits

AKA Rihanna. What better way to say "my previous boyfriend can't come within 50 feet of me because he rearranged my facial features but now I'm single!" than having your boobs and their metallic nipple plates hanging out at a special gala? There is no better way!

She got her reconstructive cranio-facial plastic surgery, and while she was up there, got a boob job, and then had some botox, and then had snowflake Christmas ornaments sewn onto her areolas. Sounds like a plan to me!

You are hot, but your a skankhead for this one, RiRi.

Amber Rose is Not Cute

At least not with her hair dyed the color of urinal cakes. There is nothing fashionable about having your hair match your sunglasses. The last time I saw that color was on my tongue after eating an Air Head. And your eyebrows don't match! Unacceptable.

If you don't want people making comparisons between your dome head and gum balls, you shouldn't dye your baldy flourescent colors.

Jessica Simpson Eats A Microphone

She has really been putting it on these last few months, huh? Fat Simps is seen here at the AT&T Golf Tournament doing her best to wrap her mouth around this microphone while she sings the National Anthem. For a moment, when she hits the high note, I got a bit anxious that her mouth was open wide enough for the mic to slip right in discreetly. Her Oompa Loompa summer tan is looking overdone, as usual, and her no food seems to have passed her by.

She's got a hell of a voice though. It's too bad she's wasting it on country music.