Alert: Ni-coke Kidman.

Now I know that people are always looking for new ways to try drugs and make them activate more quickly and whatnot, but didn't Nicole know that rubbing it all over your face and into your corneas is not necessarily the safest method of cocaine consumption? Now we don't care what you experiment with in your own home, Kidman (it's true, we have no interest in your collection of painkillers and vibrators...), but when you bring it out in public for everyone to see, well then gosh darn it! It's time for an intervention.

Who did you think you were fooling donning that luxurious gown as a way to distract onlookers from the fact that coke is slowly getting into your eyes? Do us all a favor, Nicole: next time you wanna go Tony Montana on a fresh kilo, make sure Lindsay's around to snort the remnants off your cheekbones. Then everyone will be happy.

Sharing is caring!

New Tag: Wash Your Face.

Alert: This Shit is Just Messy.

Here is a special contribution from a friend named Eva. Pay close attention to how many times Kate Bush looks like she is simply about to give up halfway through her choreography... yet she reluctantly musters on through her shrill, wide-eyed tirade.

My biggest pet peeves are when she stumbles through her spins as if she dropped a small item and is frantically searching for it... before she gives up and continues her shrill, wide-eyed tirade, of course. Also, when the bitch simply won't go away at the end, and just stands there, appearing and reappearing while frantically swaying in the wind like she just caught the holy ghost, that shit really ticks me off. Like Eva said, we know that with the budget this cheap-ass video was made on, all Kate Bush did was sway, step back, sway, step back, etc. They plugged the video into Microsoft Porthole (it was a long time ago...) and used Paint to erase her backstepping. The result is this.

Oh, the 80s. How dear you are to us all.

God Bless America!

Mindfuck: The Shallow End of the Cyrus Gene Pool

What in the fuck is this? Apparently, Miley Cyrus had a bulimic fit and threw this up, then washed down some Vicodin with a Colt 45. Actually, no, this is simply Miley's younger sister, Noah Cyrus, at a Halloween party. I heard the party's theme was "What Your Older Sister Will Look Like in 3 Years", so this is pretty fucking accurate. If Dakota Fanning got socked in the face by Chris Brown, she would resemble this pretty little thang.

OK, yes, she's only 9. Yes, her teeth are like that because kids her age rarely have straight teeth. Yes, she looks like a cracked-out slut her sister. And yes, I do feel a little bad making fun of her. But, let's be real, Lil' NoNo (just made that up, thank you very much), it was only a matter of time before People magazine had you on their Worst Dressed List. If you wanna remedy the situation, my best advice to you would be take off the trailer trash make-up...unless you want everyone to know what you would've looked like had you and your father not wired money from your sister's bank account to pay your bills.

Have You Ever Heard of a Comb?

Seriously, guys, it's getting frustrating at this point. Has anyone seen my scarecrow LaToya Jackson?

I mean, seriously, LaToya... come on. What I'm about to say might be too soon for some, but I just have to get it out there. Ahem... be ready... ok.

Dear LaToya,

Trying to look like Michael Jackson won't make him come back. Please find other ways to cope that the public doesn't run in fits of terror away from.

Thanks.

But on a serious note, LaToya, you better do something with that weave of yours. It's getting ridiculous. Anymore split ends and Tyra is gonna rip it off and wear it on her show. Nobody wants that to happen.

AND WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING?!?! OH, LAWDS, CATCH ME LEST I FAINT.

Just When You Thought We As a Black Community Had Given Up on Blond Updos...

RiRi makes yet another triumphant return with her most ridiculous looking cut yet. Bitch, why is your hair 5 inches away from your head? It's not a fro... so why the fuck is it so damn high? I don't understand. I really don't.

Honestly, this is really disappointing for me, because just when I thought black people had moved away from nasty weave like this (other than Tyra... her weave is on a whole different planet. PS: did anyone hear about Tyra's live colonic on her talk show? Sorry, Tyra, but I have no interest in seeing the various lipids being stored in your gas chamber. Kudos on being brave enough to show everyone what ended your modeling career, though.), big ass bling-bling, ugly ass make-up, UGLY ASS ROOTS, and ashiness (or skin whitener. I can't really tell which one.), RiRi brings her colorful Caribbean-ass back up to the Americas. Unacceptable.

And the barbed wire bondage she's showing off on the cover of her new single, entitled "Russian Roulette", is simply disgusting. I can't really blame her, though... it was probably Chris Brown's idea, and you know after he bit her (and she liked it, even though she told the police she didn't), she had to take the kinkiness to the next level. Justin Timberlake will not be able to handle all this fucked up BDSM-type shit she's toting around. Talk about baggage.

AND THE BITCH LOOKS LIKE ALIEN!

Parents: Hide the Children.

Stop Acting Like You Like It!

Us: Oh, yeah, Adam Lambert, you're so totally interested in whatever is between that beautiful woman's legs. Oh, yeah, you just love it, don't you?

Adam: Yes, I fucking love--umm, what you guys call it again? Va... va...?

Us: Vagina?

Adam: Oh, yeah... I guess.

(Little did we know that the "model" he was groping was actually a post-op transexual. That's right! Flown straight in from Thailand. We got it for a good price, too.)

But seriously, Adam Lambert, you couldn't possibly think that people might not view you as a flaming homosexual glam rock outcast who was runner-up on American Idol and hit notes higher than Whitney before she covered her bronchi in crack soot simply because you were seen on or around some lady parts, right?

Hint, hint, Adam: if you're looking for a penis, you'll never find one. Don't look down your pants, either... That one shriveled up in misery when Kris Allen won.

She Lost the Weight... But At What Price?

Here's a recent pic of Mischa Barton, making her 6 millionth appearance on this blog, simply because she can't hold herself together in public. She's been able to keep off the infamous beer chin (See post: Beer Chin), but at what price? She's crack fiending it in public, sucking down the cancer sticks while attempting to keep her greasy hair from being caught aflame. It's a rough life. And that waitress outfit isn't helping anything.

Thank God I made a greatest hits tag for you a long time ago, Beer Chin. It's being put to great use.

Alert: You're Disgusting.

Madonna's arms are anything but attractive these days. I feel like the muscles are ready to slip right off the bone, like they've been boiling with potatoes in an Irish crockpot for 5 hours. It's disgusting. Her muscles have dimples, and those dimples have dimples. Just... Gross.

But to her credit, her old ass has one good asset in her life: Jesus Luz. Her 22-year-old supermodel boyfriend straight out of Brazil. Madonna probably purchased him straight from Sao Paolo because he couldn't speak English. Prime deal. Sources say he's upset that Madonna is reopening her scarab-infested tomb for her ex, Guy Ritchie. Jesus, don't be angry! Now Madonna won't make you fuck her.

Parents: Hide the Children.

Cyndi Lauper and Lil Kim Make Nelson Mandela Decapitate Himself

I mean how else would you eliminate the sensual onslaught provided to the eyes and ears by this shit?

Cyndi decided to go with a bleached Richard Simmons wig, dreamcatcher earrings, saggy titties, and an old voodoo priest's curtains for her tribute to Mandela. Then she got together with Lil' Kim in an attempt to permanently deafen the greater population of South Africa. Please listen, WITH THE VOLUME LOW! And get some tissue for when your ears start bleeding!

Damn, that's rough isn't it? I love how Lil' Kim's ghetto ass had to keep it hood and transitioned to an acoustic version of "Lighters Up". Instead of using a Ja-fake-an accent, she decided to bleet her performance like Mary's Little Lamb. She is singing all breathy like a fat person who just went for a run. Is she in labor?

When Cyndi Lauper starts singing "Lighters Up", her Richard Simmons wig gives up on her and begins catastrophically seizing atop her scalp. This is a mess, people!

Happy Birthday to Nelson Mandela! Now that these two chicks put you on Helen Keller status, you don't have to worry about being ambushed sensually like this again.

New Tag: "Close Your Mouth". I think it's well deserved.

How Could You Let Go of This?

Actually, I assume she just ran when he finally let go of her. Crackheads have killer grips, you know? Amy Crackhouse and Pete Doherty have called it quits. Finally.

The real question is, when is she going to end her love affair with Valium, Cocaine, and Oxycodone? Never. Because those are ties that bind. True love right there.

His grill is completely MindFuck, BTW.

Jake And Resse Trip in Public

Requiem for a Dream alert: Jake Gyllenhaal and Resse Witherspoon swallowed some cough medicine and were told by their couch to go driving under the influence. Happens every day in Hollywood land, but I bet their now-talking loveseat didn't inform them that paparazzi would be tailing them virtually every fucking place they went. I wouldn't be surprised if the pap had cameras bolted onto the car door. But the druggies didn't notice them. Or the couch told them it wasn't really there. Either way, we got great, flattering pics of the as they drive "spaceship" to "the sun".

Don't trust a hard drug user. You can tell the trippers from their big ass pupils. If you see one of these bug-eyed fuckers doing 80 on the freeway, take a picture too! Then sell it to People Magazine or TMZ.com for 4 million dollars like all the big celebs do to take advantage of their children. Or sell it to me... I'll try to get you a deal at McDonalds.

Kevin James is Gross With Food

Kevin James is pictured here having an "Along Came Polly" moment with a friend. He's got some knee, tan, and weight problems going on. I don't really know what to say, other than that maybe next time he should tuck his shirt into his shorts when he goes for a lay-up. Help the onlookers out.

At least he's happy, though. And he's too cool for school playing ball with Matrix glasses. Wow.

Supplying Us With Ample Arsenal

Courtney Love's melanin seeps onto the sidewalk as she stumples to a location that she isn't completely aware of. Let the tags do the talking.

Harry Potter Stars Make Big Mistakes

Emma Watson is completely cute until you look down. Why is she wearing those tap dancing shoes? Save it, Bojangles. Hope you kept the receipt.... Besides, your feet look like they hurt. The way they are bunched up in those hard-ass character shoes reminds me of Chinese foot-binding techniques. Don't be a victim, Emma! You need to be able to walk when you come to my school this fall!

OK, Emma, you did well here. But what is going on with the goons on your sides? Midgety Daniel Radcliffe pulled out his 3-button pimp/church suit. And Rupert... are those mountain boots?

Never thought I'd see people trying to rock Lugz/the North Face on the red carpet. Not a good look.

Can't wait to see your movie!

Girl George Mindfucks Me

Don't use your gender-identity crisis as an excuse to degrade Japanese culture. And there is never an excuse for the gay club disco ball on that is on your head.

You're not cute, you're not fashion-forward, so why are you making people take pics of you and share them with people whose health can be seriously compromised by such visions?

I love that house arrest anklet you have on though, BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Wax and Plastic Take Over!

Kathy Griffin wanted to break the news to Joan Rivers herself! Seen here speaking to either Joan Rivers or Joan Rivers's wax statue (both have surprised expressions on their faces at all times), that she will be hosting her Comedy Central Roast this August!

Will you be watching this? I sure will. I love the roasts and I watch all of them. Besides, I want to see if Comedy Central's special effects team can figure out a way to add expressions to the faces of Joan Rivers and all of her plastic friends. Now that will be a real site... might take more CGI than Transformers.

And the irony, Kathy just got a little fake herself! Seen here with her recently sculpted wax figure. I didn't know Kathy was famous enough to have an effigy of herself made out of easily destroyed, recyclable... oh wait. You totally earned it, Kat!

Alert: Fat Nobodies

What the fuck? I'll just let the tags speak for themselves.

Parents: hide the children.

Courtney Love is Forced to Eat

"Pale is the New Tan" innovator Courtney Love has been ordered by her doctor to start eating more. Apparently, pills and vodka don't make for a well-balanced diet. Shame, it's been working so well on me, Lindsay, and Mischa :(.

How about we get a court order to put this sack of bones in a tanning booth? As long as we don't have to see her emaciated Ethiopian ribs, we don't give a shit what she eats, but if we have to see her skin, put some color into it, for Christ's sake! I can see the melanin seeping from her toes onto the carpet.

If Charlie Chaplin Were a Drunk Tranny...

... He would be Mischa Barton. Seen here completely shit-faced, Barton is probably drinking her woes away about having the OC got canceled. It was your fault, Mischa! And that was like a year ago, get over it! Actually, I would be in a drunken stupor too if I realized no one wanted to hire me except for B-rated horror movies. Which is perfect for you, since you already own cheap make-up and can make scary faces. And everyone wants to see you die.

Stop drinking and take that hat off. Chaplin would be embarrassed.

Case of the Stares Model is Also a Criminal

Remember that no name model, Karen Mulder, who was staring people down like she wanted to kill them? Well, the person she was probably staring at was her plastic surgeon. And she screamed at him a lot. And she's in a lot of trouble with the law because of it.

She threw a temper tantrum in the hospital and got arrested for it. I would be angry too if someone promised me that for $10,000 I could get my face sliced up and get my 90s modeling career back. Except I would know that it's a lie before I lay down and start counting backwards from 10 (Nip/Tuck joke...).

You are gross now. Sorry. No more modeling for you. Except you could model prison garb. I'd pay to see that.

Or you could make a career out of staring people down. You do that so well.