Alert: Fat Nobodies

What the fuck? I'll just let the tags speak for themselves.

Parents: hide the children.

Courtney Love is Forced to Eat

"Pale is the New Tan" innovator Courtney Love has been ordered by her doctor to start eating more. Apparently, pills and vodka don't make for a well-balanced diet. Shame, it's been working so well on me, Lindsay, and Mischa :(.

How about we get a court order to put this sack of bones in a tanning booth? As long as we don't have to see her emaciated Ethiopian ribs, we don't give a shit what she eats, but if we have to see her skin, put some color into it, for Christ's sake! I can see the melanin seeping from her toes onto the carpet.

Jessica Simpson Eats A Microphone

She has really been putting it on these last few months, huh? Fat Simps is seen here at the AT&T Golf Tournament doing her best to wrap her mouth around this microphone while she sings the National Anthem. For a moment, when she hits the high note, I got a bit anxious that her mouth was open wide enough for the mic to slip right in discreetly. Her Oompa Loompa summer tan is looking overdone, as usual, and her no food seems to have passed her by.

She's got a hell of a voice though. It's too bad she's wasting it on country music.

Alert: Beware of Guidos

Helping spread stereotypes is always fun, and here is a closeted homo Guido who wants to do just that. What do you guys think? Philly Guido? Jersey Guido? Staten Island Guido? Rhode Island Guido?

The possibilities are endless.

Alert: Kevin Jonas's Marriage Will Be Illegal In Most States

Kevin Jonas is recently engaged, making him the first Jonas Brother to give in and do whatever it takes to get some ass without looking like a hypocrite. I doubt it's true love, but if it is, I feel sorry for the boy. His marriage won't be legitimate in most places. Why? Because Prop 8 hasn't been overturned.

Look at this picture. Are you telling me that this infamously jew-fro'ed Jo-Bro is straight? No. Don't let the manly, bushy eyebrows fool you. He still got his hair permed! Gay.

Once he gets it up the crack wagon and tells his brothers about it, they'll all be trying to slip their purity bracelets up each others' man holes. Miley, Selena, and Demi can teach you guys all about that.

Eva Mendes Is Beautiful

People are trying to say that Eva Mendes is too curvy, vuluptuous, and realistic to be doing editorial modeling for a major fashion house like Calvin Klein, let alone to do underwear modeling.

I say pish-posh! She is a gorgeous woman, even if her shadows are scary and large and intimidating. She does look like a hooker, though. Which is OK, because that's Calvin Klein's target demographic. She needs a towel to wipe all that tit sweat off, though; it's seeping into her vag bag. And she needs to wash that chalupa grease out her hair, she's not helping her race with that border-crosser hairdo.

Question of the day: what if her fish taco is the same size as the pattern on her panties? Wouldn't that be a sight? *Shudders*

God bless America!

If Charlie Chaplin Were a Drunk Tranny...

... He would be Mischa Barton. Seen here completely shit-faced, Barton is probably drinking her woes away about having the OC got canceled. It was your fault, Mischa! And that was like a year ago, get over it! Actually, I would be in a drunken stupor too if I realized no one wanted to hire me except for B-rated horror movies. Which is perfect for you, since you already own cheap make-up and can make scary faces. And everyone wants to see you die.

Stop drinking and take that hat off. Chaplin would be embarrassed.

Case of the Stares Model is Also a Criminal

Remember that no name model, Karen Mulder, who was staring people down like she wanted to kill them? Well, the person she was probably staring at was her plastic surgeon. And she screamed at him a lot. And she's in a lot of trouble with the law because of it.

She threw a temper tantrum in the hospital and got arrested for it. I would be angry too if someone promised me that for $10,000 I could get my face sliced up and get my 90s modeling career back. Except I would know that it's a lie before I lay down and start counting backwards from 10 (Nip/Tuck joke...).

You are gross now. Sorry. No more modeling for you. Except you could model prison garb. I'd pay to see that.

Or you could make a career out of staring people down. You do that so well.

Alert: Lady Buttsex Looks Like a Fool

Damn. This chick just makes it too easy to hate. I admire that you have adventurous, off-kilter style, Lady Ga-Gag. I just don't admire how you make us have to look at it all the goddamn time.

Seriously, what the fuck are you doing walking around with a button made out of blond Yaki weave on your head? It's not OK. Keep that bullshit in Yonkers, sweety. No one wants to see that shit.

Ryan Kwanten!!!!!

Let's all bask in this greatness. Everyone go watch True Blood!

He does look like he has a beer belly, though. Oh, well.