Basement Jaxx Mindfucks Me

When I first saw this I had a hot flash. Fucked my whole life apart.

Basement Jaxx, keep your fetishes to yourself! We don't need you getting on stage and fucking the minds of little kids!

Parents: hide the children.

Speidi Makes You Wish You Were From Canada

I find it dispicable that Heidi and Spencer would hop into a marathon, in front of hundreds of dying runners, just for a photo op. Talk about literally ruining the 4th of July for all of America.

Everyone else is ashen, exasperated, gasping for air, and *POOF!*. Dropped in on a rope ladder from a pink helicopter comes perfectly tanned Heidi and Spencer, ready to bless an otherwise drab looking vista with their wonderful tanning-booth-and-botox-born beauty! Not.

Heidi's boobs and Spencer's gelled up mane can't take the heat and energy of running, jogging, or even simple things like walking in the sun. You can rest assured that as soon as this was snapped, their harness wires tugged at them and they were blissfully wisked away from the "ugly normals".

Surprised no one saw them at a Gay Pride Parade. Maybe it's because they know that the gays have enough energy to catch up to them and slap them. Then give them makeovers.

I Know I took a Little 4th of July Break But....

I'm back. And I've got plenty of ugliness for you to love. Let's start with the one and only Lady Buttsexxx, aka Lady GaGa. You already know what the fuck is up.

BAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Did this not scare you? Cuz it spooked the fuck out of me! The double layered Yoko Ono sunglasses really did me in, until I looked a little closer and what did I see? SHARPIE BROWS!!!! Those are drawn on, if you didn't notice.

This is just scary. It's fake on the top, whore on the bottom, and nothing cute anywhere to be found. Plus that bag has "99 cent discount store" written all over it.

Go get your split ends fixed. And take all that extra fabric off your shirt and cuffs. You have numerous blankets sewn onto your titties right now! Think of the children!!!

I think Lady Buttsexxx has had enough ugliness in her life to get her own tag.

"Greatest Hits: Lady Buttsexxx"

Alert: What Could This Possibly Mean?

OK. This is some fucked up shit. I had a dream that I woke up sometime in the late afternoon while the sun was going down, and my family was getting set up for a party. When I asked what was going on, they replied "we are throwing you a 4th of July party and we invited a bunch of people that we think you would've wanted here". So there are various family members, cousins, siblings, etc. running around at this party that I was not aware of. Then some SG people show up as well, and I am shocked to see the following people running around my small-ass apartment:

Vianca
Tria
The Cheddas (!!!! WTF !!!!)
Kara

Among others that I can't remember. OK, so a bunch of people start heading outside my apartment to the building staircase to smoke some weed. A big congregation begins, and when I figure out why people are amassing themselves together, I head out to see what the big deal is.

Now for the climax:

...

My mother is out there smoking weed!

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lemme repeat that if you missed it: I had a dream about my mother smoking weed with my family members and boarding school friends!

Could anyone please tell me what this might mean? Like in the least?

Leave your feedback in the comments section.

Amber Rose is Not Cute

At least not with her hair dyed the color of urinal cakes. There is nothing fashionable about having your hair match your sunglasses. The last time I saw that color was on my tongue after eating an Air Head. And your eyebrows don't match! Unacceptable.

If you don't want people making comparisons between your dome head and gum balls, you shouldn't dye your baldy flourescent colors.

Dumb Blonde Whore

Hayden Panettierre is the dumbest girl in Hollywood today. Sure she is good looking, not a horrible actress, and gets a good deal of endorsements. But she is officially a fool for this stupid shit. She got a tattoo of Italian words that she and her biffles probably thought were totally the hottest euro words ever. They probably don't even know what it means. And to add to their confusion when they pull out their "Italian for Dummies" book, she got a word spelled wrong. It is supposed to say "rimpianti", not "rimipianti". Stupid.

If you are going to get a tattoo on your body, you should probably get that shit spell checked.

Blondes. Gotta love them.
God Bless America!

Alert: Fat Nobodies

What the fuck? I'll just let the tags speak for themselves.

Parents: hide the children.

Courtney Love is Forced to Eat

"Pale is the New Tan" innovator Courtney Love has been ordered by her doctor to start eating more. Apparently, pills and vodka don't make for a well-balanced diet. Shame, it's been working so well on me, Lindsay, and Mischa :(.

How about we get a court order to put this sack of bones in a tanning booth? As long as we don't have to see her emaciated Ethiopian ribs, we don't give a shit what she eats, but if we have to see her skin, put some color into it, for Christ's sake! I can see the melanin seeping from her toes onto the carpet.

Jessica Simpson Eats A Microphone

She has really been putting it on these last few months, huh? Fat Simps is seen here at the AT&T Golf Tournament doing her best to wrap her mouth around this microphone while she sings the National Anthem. For a moment, when she hits the high note, I got a bit anxious that her mouth was open wide enough for the mic to slip right in discreetly. Her Oompa Loompa summer tan is looking overdone, as usual, and her no food seems to have passed her by.

She's got a hell of a voice though. It's too bad she's wasting it on country music.

Alert: Beware of Guidos

Helping spread stereotypes is always fun, and here is a closeted homo Guido who wants to do just that. What do you guys think? Philly Guido? Jersey Guido? Staten Island Guido? Rhode Island Guido?

The possibilities are endless.