Rebbie Jackson Ain't Got It Like Her Brother

Sorry, Rebbie, but this isn't gonna cut it, especially when everyone is looking at you saying, "your brother was the bomb! What happened?"

I completely love how awkward in her attempts to look magical at the beginning she is. She's like walking down the steps slowly and waving her arms with that constipation face on. Quality.

Chris Brown Needs Acting Classes

OK at about 0:20, your lips are gonna purse, your eyelids will sink, you will say one thing aloud, even if no one is around to hear you:

"Chris Brown needs to shut the fuck up".

Breezy,

This is why your lawyers told you not to say anything. They knew your wife-beating ass could not read teleprompters fast enough to add emotion also. You can only do one or the other. Take your time, brother....

But, alas, Rihanna's masochistic ass is watching this and going "I know he love me. He ain't gone hit me no mo'". Lies! He can't wait for the day his restraining order is gone and he can walk up on you and pop a gland in one of those tig ole bitties you've were showing everyone on July 4th. He wants to go WWE on your ass for calling the po-po when you disliked the pimp hand. You shoulda known he was gonna get sick of you and start throwing your ass from "Wall to Wall" (PUN!!!!).

And your crazy ass will be waiting there with "Hit Me" signs all over your body. You are foolish, Ri-Ri! Don't fall for this.

But on a more serious note, what hotel does the court have him working at with that jacket on? Not a good look.

Burnt Crack: the Fragrance

Everyone needs to go out to Walgreens, the 99 cent store, or your local incense dealer on the corner to buy Amy Crackhouse's fragrance when it comes out. That's right, she is coming out with her own fragance. Now you will get to experience what crack, valium, heroin, marijuana, alcohol, bleach, formaldehyde, ink, piss, breast milk, diet coke, ammonia, asshole hairs, dirt, and all other things Amy consumes on a daily basis smells like when mixed together! I'm so excited!

Joe Jackson Gets Crapped On By Society-At-Large

I personally think Joe Jackass Jackson was a great father slavemaster Black Stalin manager. Without pushing his children down the stairs as often as he did, they may never have sustained such injuries success.

But to have your raggedy-ass decrepit face on an anti-domestic abuse poster means you did some fucked up shit. I don't know who made and disseminated this poster, but if I were you I would run and hide. Joe is gonna roll that shit up, light it on fire, and beat your ass with it until you can sing "ABC" without Auto-Tune (I hope it wasn't T-Pain who made this, because some tells me those bi-colored locks are flammable as fuck).

Once Joe finds his belt, he'll be available for comments.

Now I'm mad, real mad, Joe Jackson...

Ciara's New Singles Include "Umbrella", "Disturbia", and "Take a Bow"

Ciara got news about Rihanna's "Neo-Nazi from the Side" new hairstyle and realized the short black crop was now available. She forgot the fact that shit got played the fuck out last year. Get some damn originality.

Does she know her sideburn glue wore off? Somebody wrangle those loose strands before they run off!

Cyndi Lauper and Lil Kim Make Nelson Mandela Decapitate Himself

I mean how else would you eliminate the sensual onslaught provided to the eyes and ears by this shit?

Cyndi decided to go with a bleached Richard Simmons wig, dreamcatcher earrings, saggy titties, and an old voodoo priest's curtains for her tribute to Mandela. Then she got together with Lil' Kim in an attempt to permanently deafen the greater population of South Africa. Please listen, WITH THE VOLUME LOW! And get some tissue for when your ears start bleeding!

Damn, that's rough isn't it? I love how Lil' Kim's ghetto ass had to keep it hood and transitioned to an acoustic version of "Lighters Up". Instead of using a Ja-fake-an accent, she decided to bleet her performance like Mary's Little Lamb. She is singing all breathy like a fat person who just went for a run. Is she in labor?

When Cyndi Lauper starts singing "Lighters Up", her Richard Simmons wig gives up on her and begins catastrophically seizing atop her scalp. This is a mess, people!

Happy Birthday to Nelson Mandela! Now that these two chicks put you on Helen Keller status, you don't have to worry about being ambushed sensually like this again.

New Tag: "Close Your Mouth". I think it's well deserved.

Jumanji Moobs

Robin Williams needs to just not do things like this. And this was back when he was "young". What the fuck is his torso composed of now? *SMH*

Mindfuck: Lindsay Winehouse

Oh, I would pay whole fortunes to avoid having a picture of me that was this unflattering be published. But with cigarette prices these days, Lindsay had to make a choice. And now she is living with the consequences.

Phew. This so unfortunate looking. Complete mindfuck. And whoever took this went on iPhoto and upped the saturation levels. This bitch is glowing from head to toe!

Parents: definitely hide the children. Show them "Herbie Reloaded" and "The Parent Trap" and tell them it's not the same woman.

Damn, this is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson....

Alert: B-BALL BOOBIES!

Damn, Katey Price. These are some tig ole bitties! This is completely unacceptable. I should not be able to rip your titties off and dribble them down half court! You have your weave all falling into your cleavage crevasse. You are a mess. I feel like she walked into the doctor's office and was like "put 3 implants in each tit".

Parents: Hide the Children. Unless you want them to cut off her breasts and play dodgeball with them.

Alert: Flowers Gone Wrong

In these situations, I love to let the tags do the talking. Look below, please.