Alert: Kevin Jonas's Marriage Will Be Illegal In Most States

Kevin Jonas is recently engaged, making him the first Jonas Brother to give in and do whatever it takes to get some ass without looking like a hypocrite. I doubt it's true love, but if it is, I feel sorry for the boy. His marriage won't be legitimate in most places. Why? Because Prop 8 hasn't been overturned.

Look at this picture. Are you telling me that this infamously jew-fro'ed Jo-Bro is straight? No. Don't let the manly, bushy eyebrows fool you. He still got his hair permed! Gay.

Once he gets it up the crack wagon and tells his brothers about it, they'll all be trying to slip their purity bracelets up each others' man holes. Miley, Selena, and Demi can teach you guys all about that.

Eva Mendes Is Beautiful

People are trying to say that Eva Mendes is too curvy, vuluptuous, and realistic to be doing editorial modeling for a major fashion house like Calvin Klein, let alone to do underwear modeling.

I say pish-posh! She is a gorgeous woman, even if her shadows are scary and large and intimidating. She does look like a hooker, though. Which is OK, because that's Calvin Klein's target demographic. She needs a towel to wipe all that tit sweat off, though; it's seeping into her vag bag. And she needs to wash that chalupa grease out her hair, she's not helping her race with that border-crosser hairdo.

Question of the day: what if her fish taco is the same size as the pattern on her panties? Wouldn't that be a sight? *Shudders*

God bless America!

If Charlie Chaplin Were a Drunk Tranny...

... He would be Mischa Barton. Seen here completely shit-faced, Barton is probably drinking her woes away about having the OC got canceled. It was your fault, Mischa! And that was like a year ago, get over it! Actually, I would be in a drunken stupor too if I realized no one wanted to hire me except for B-rated horror movies. Which is perfect for you, since you already own cheap make-up and can make scary faces. And everyone wants to see you die.

Stop drinking and take that hat off. Chaplin would be embarrassed.

Case of the Stares Model is Also a Criminal

Remember that no name model, Karen Mulder, who was staring people down like she wanted to kill them? Well, the person she was probably staring at was her plastic surgeon. And she screamed at him a lot. And she's in a lot of trouble with the law because of it.

She threw a temper tantrum in the hospital and got arrested for it. I would be angry too if someone promised me that for $10,000 I could get my face sliced up and get my 90s modeling career back. Except I would know that it's a lie before I lay down and start counting backwards from 10 (Nip/Tuck joke...).

You are gross now. Sorry. No more modeling for you. Except you could model prison garb. I'd pay to see that.

Or you could make a career out of staring people down. You do that so well.

Alert: Lady Buttsex Looks Like a Fool

Damn. This chick just makes it too easy to hate. I admire that you have adventurous, off-kilter style, Lady Ga-Gag. I just don't admire how you make us have to look at it all the goddamn time.

Seriously, what the fuck are you doing walking around with a button made out of blond Yaki weave on your head? It's not OK. Keep that bullshit in Yonkers, sweety. No one wants to see that shit.

Ryan Kwanten!!!!!

Let's all bask in this greatness. Everyone go watch True Blood!

He does look like he has a beer belly, though. Oh, well.

The Most Desperate Geezer In America

How do you react to your son's untimely death? Advertise for your new recording company, that's how! Since MJ left his abusive father Joe Jackson out of his will for beating him (he didn't stop til he got enough, BAHAHA), Joe Jackson tried to figure out his a way to make some money off of his dead son.

You've got to be a fool to sign a contract to work under a man with a face like this. You could build a bomb shelter in his neck flaps. And judging from that hoop earring, Joe Jackson might be a lesbian in disguise. Boycott the geezer!

Parents: hide the children.

Plastic Stripper Desecrates MJ's Face

This no name skank decided to get MJ's face tattoo'ed on her arm. How dare she? We all know that since you are made of recycled soda bottles, you could have gotten a tattoo anywhere without feeling any pain. Might as well have gotten his face tattooed over yours.

Lycra Leotards Gone Wronger

Is this some sick publicity stunt to try to get yourself more attention than your sister, Solange? I can see bones, muscles, and tendons contorting in ways I've never wanted to. As you helplessly gasp for air while singing a song no one wants to hear to an audience that doesn't want to hear you, you start to regret the fact that you forgot that lycra shrinks in the heat. Now not only is it taking away your life force, but it is exposing that preggo fat you never got up the energy to run off. Horrible situation.

Take that masking tape off your face and use it to tape down your FUPA.

Coked-Up Coochie

This is just scary. Kate Moss flashed her pooner to the paparazzi, presumably while looking for the coke tubule she dropped as she fumbled for the car door handle. No worries, Kate, it got sucked up into your meat curtains! I heard it works faster that way.

Stop doing drugs. And go get your roots redone.