Alert: MJ's Service Was Kinda Weak.

I was all over Twitter (twitter.com/dmichaelpadilla) expressing my lack of joy with this whole situation. If you read this, you will understand. I guess you should start from the bottom.


1.
I'm sorry but I really don't think that the memorial was that good. It had really good moments, but I often found myself saying WTF. :( 15 minutes ago from TweetDeck

2.
Damn Janet's hat is big as fuck. It shaded everything above her chin. I couldn't even see her nostrils. Prima Donna status. 33 minutes ago from TweetDeck

3.
That fat lesbo chick is actually a he. And he's a white european boy named SHAHEEM!!!! Oh lawwwwddddsssss. #MJMemorial 39 minutes ago from TweetDeck

4.
Who's this fat lesbian chick singing now? Someone let me in bc I don't have the slightest clue. 42 minutes ago from TweetDeck

5.
"MJ STOLE ALL OF MY SONGS AND MADE HIMSELF FAMOUS!!!!!!... but I love and respect him". Aight, Smokey Robinson. 44 minutes ago from TweetDeck

6.
Who was that stuck up bitch wearing sunglasses in the second row? It's not even bright up in that bitch! about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck

7.
Who does Usher think he is, touching all up on the golden casket? And crying like he knew MJ? Drama Queen!!!! about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck

8.
OK well now it's federal law to make fun of MJ apparently. The congressional black caucus is trying to make some meaningless moves in DC. about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck

9.
This woman needs to stop pushing her political agenda at a funeral. Black people have no shame. about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck

11.
I'm just waiting for the CEO of BET to fight her way on the stage for camera time. BET folks are those kind of people.about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck

12.
Bald dudes are taking over #Michaeljackson 's memorial. Get some haired/weaved people please! about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck

13.
Brooke Shields is getting into this. She's the only person who said something profound in her time at the podium. She's hot for her age. about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck

14.
Finally! A white person to bring some equilibrium to what was becoming a Civil Rights protest! Hit it John Mayer! about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck

15.
If I were in LA, I would give Al Sharpton the Biggie treatment. Yall know what I mean. about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck

16.
Now Al is screaming at MJ's kids! Someone stop the madness! about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

17.
RT @MrsGrapevine: Al Sharpton is on- I'm glad they scheduled a commercial break You are reading my mind. This is not the Civil Rights Mvmt. about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

18.
Oh no. Here comes Al Sharpton to talk about how the white devil killed MJ. Someone needs to tell him to stop screaming. Disturbin tha peace.about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

19.
RT @ukorofi: See y'all, MJ was black. He ate KFC with Magic Johnson. Yeah, and he liked bling just like the rest of the Negros. about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

20.
Pregnant-ass Jennifer Hudson is singing this jungle song. Why are they doing this Lion King on Broadway choreography? I love J-Hud's voice. about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

21.
Why is Magic Johnson talking about his chicken exploits with MJ? Black people. about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

22.
RT @MTV: RT @mtvnews: stevie's powerful voice bounces off every corner of staples #michaeljackson See! I told you! Even MTV noticed! about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

23.
Did anyone else here that vibrato from Stevie Wonder? I guffawed when I heard it. "ay yay yay yay yay yay". Ridiculous. about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

24.
Oh My Jesus. Stevie Wonder has a braided skullet! This is the scariest updo I have ever seen. about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

25.
OMFG someone get this chrome dome off the stage! He's still talking and Ive scrolled through all the old tweets on my slow ass iPhone app!!! about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

26.
RT @imankiera: This is crazy...people treat mike acknowledge mike more than jesus...smh That cause Jesus can't sing and dance. about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

27.
Berry Gordy's pocket square is all kinds of outside his pocket. It's blowing in the wind! about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

28.
This MJ tribute will make you want to cry. about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

Wax and Plastic Take Over!

Kathy Griffin wanted to break the news to Joan Rivers herself! Seen here speaking to either Joan Rivers or Joan Rivers's wax statue (both have surprised expressions on their faces at all times), that she will be hosting her Comedy Central Roast this August!

Will you be watching this? I sure will. I love the roasts and I watch all of them. Besides, I want to see if Comedy Central's special effects team can figure out a way to add expressions to the faces of Joan Rivers and all of her plastic friends. Now that will be a real site... might take more CGI than Transformers.

And the irony, Kathy just got a little fake herself! Seen here with her recently sculpted wax figure. I didn't know Kathy was famous enough to have an effigy of herself made out of easily destroyed, recyclable... oh wait. You totally earned it, Kat!

Fail Blog Hits Us With the Best!

Padma Lakshmi after not being on Top Chef for a few months:

An advertisement sponsored by the BET Awards:

Seen outside the Time Square MTV Studios:

Thank you failblog.org for this!

Chris Brown Finds a New Punching Bag

And she's bald and big, so he won't feel like he's hitting a woman. Because he isn't. Sources say they saw Man-ber Rose and Chris Brown canoodling at Diddy's white party, where the best of the second-best flocked to Beverly Hills for precious camera time.

Amber's golden egg head reminds me of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. or Maybe lemonheads. Or Lunelle. Yes, Lunelle. That's what Amber is going to look like in... 3 weeks.

Beware, Chris Breezy. Man-ber Rose will hit you back.

Titty McTitTits

AKA Rihanna. What better way to say "my previous boyfriend can't come within 50 feet of me because he rearranged my facial features but now I'm single!" than having your boobs and their metallic nipple plates hanging out at a special gala? There is no better way!

She got her reconstructive cranio-facial plastic surgery, and while she was up there, got a boob job, and then had some botox, and then had snowflake Christmas ornaments sewn onto her areolas. Sounds like a plan to me!

You are hot, but your a skankhead for this one, RiRi.

The Real Reason the Divorce is Imminent.

Because Kate realized she married an unfaithful Down Syndrome victim.

Being retarded is one thing, looking retarded is another, and cheating while doing both is just downright sinful.

And you're fat.

Ew.

(Jon Gosselin is seen here holding fireworks, which were later aimed at his wife.)

Basement Jaxx Mindfucks Me

When I first saw this I had a hot flash. Fucked my whole life apart.

Basement Jaxx, keep your fetishes to yourself! We don't need you getting on stage and fucking the minds of little kids!

Parents: hide the children.

Speidi Makes You Wish You Were From Canada

I find it dispicable that Heidi and Spencer would hop into a marathon, in front of hundreds of dying runners, just for a photo op. Talk about literally ruining the 4th of July for all of America.

Everyone else is ashen, exasperated, gasping for air, and *POOF!*. Dropped in on a rope ladder from a pink helicopter comes perfectly tanned Heidi and Spencer, ready to bless an otherwise drab looking vista with their wonderful tanning-booth-and-botox-born beauty! Not.

Heidi's boobs and Spencer's gelled up mane can't take the heat and energy of running, jogging, or even simple things like walking in the sun. You can rest assured that as soon as this was snapped, their harness wires tugged at them and they were blissfully wisked away from the "ugly normals".

Surprised no one saw them at a Gay Pride Parade. Maybe it's because they know that the gays have enough energy to catch up to them and slap them. Then give them makeovers.

I Know I took a Little 4th of July Break But....

I'm back. And I've got plenty of ugliness for you to love. Let's start with the one and only Lady Buttsexxx, aka Lady GaGa. You already know what the fuck is up.

BAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Did this not scare you? Cuz it spooked the fuck out of me! The double layered Yoko Ono sunglasses really did me in, until I looked a little closer and what did I see? SHARPIE BROWS!!!! Those are drawn on, if you didn't notice.

This is just scary. It's fake on the top, whore on the bottom, and nothing cute anywhere to be found. Plus that bag has "99 cent discount store" written all over it.

Go get your split ends fixed. And take all that extra fabric off your shirt and cuffs. You have numerous blankets sewn onto your titties right now! Think of the children!!!

I think Lady Buttsexxx has had enough ugliness in her life to get her own tag.

"Greatest Hits: Lady Buttsexxx"

Alert: What Could This Possibly Mean?

OK. This is some fucked up shit. I had a dream that I woke up sometime in the late afternoon while the sun was going down, and my family was getting set up for a party. When I asked what was going on, they replied "we are throwing you a 4th of July party and we invited a bunch of people that we think you would've wanted here". So there are various family members, cousins, siblings, etc. running around at this party that I was not aware of. Then some SG people show up as well, and I am shocked to see the following people running around my small-ass apartment:

Vianca
Tria
The Cheddas (!!!! WTF !!!!)
Kara

Among others that I can't remember. OK, so a bunch of people start heading outside my apartment to the building staircase to smoke some weed. A big congregation begins, and when I figure out why people are amassing themselves together, I head out to see what the big deal is.

Now for the climax:

...

My mother is out there smoking weed!

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lemme repeat that if you missed it: I had a dream about my mother smoking weed with my family members and boarding school friends!

Could anyone please tell me what this might mean? Like in the least?

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