I Think It's Safe to Say That Eminem Officially Hates Mariah Carey

All that talk about where they orgasmed and shit was a bit graphic. I'm really afraid for Mariah right now. Eminem is crazy.

Jessica Simpson is a Fool.

And this is why everyone should get Twitter.

God Bless America!

Alert: Down Syndrome Baby is Having Gender Issues

This is upsetting. He's as typically frumpy and tacky from the neck down as he usually is. But the face/head create a problem. you all know what that problem is. And we will simply leave it at that.

Points for Down Syndrome Baby: He's not wearing Ed Hardy or Christian Audigier. That's a good thing.

Jon and Kate ['s Accessories] Plus 8 [Abandoned Children].

Best [Fall] I Ever Had

Tyrant Banks Guest Starring On "GG" In the Fall....

Yes, indeedy, people. Crazy-ass power-hungry television dominator Tyra Banks will be guest starring on Gossip Girl this fall. She will not be playing herself, which is surprising because I'm sure Tyra doesn't know what it means to not be an attention whore, but she will try out her facial expression repertoire (like the "Banshee Demon Yoga Instructor" face seen above) playing someone... important. She's acted before (remember Jackie on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?), so let's see if she can hold her own amongst my idol, Chuck Bass.

What's Her Excuse Today?

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Another Year of Skankiness

The reason I have always loved Lil' Kim is that she will walk into the Oscars with just coins taped onto her nipples, and then talk in a delightful, petite voice with perfect grammar. If you are gonna dress like a dominatrix/whore, you need to be talking to the way you rap. "WANNA BUMBLE WITH THE BEE, HUH? BUZZZZZZZ." Do you remember those days? Where her voice made you think this bitch would kill you if she saw you not staring at her titties? Those were the days.

Well, I think people should be pleased to know that Lil' Kim might not sound the same, but she still has the sluttiest, most abhorrent taste in clothing. This is the outfit she wore to her birthday celebration recently! Now let's run down the check list:

Fucked Up Weave? Check.
Stereotypically Overbearing Bling? Check.
Breasts Worn as an Accessory, and not a Body Part? Check.
Pantyhose Above The Panties? Check.
Bra That Is Both Under- and Overwear? Check.
Xena, Warrior Princess-inspired skirt? Check.
90s Hooker Heels? Check.

She's never been whorier. Happy belated birthday, Kim. And I know you are my mother's husband's cousin, so you need to stop fronting and come give me an autograph. I love you. Buzzzzzzzzzzzz.

God Bless America!

Alert: You're Disgusting.

Madonna's arms are anything but attractive these days. I feel like the muscles are ready to slip right off the bone, like they've been boiling with potatoes in an Irish crockpot for 5 hours. It's disgusting. Her muscles have dimples, and those dimples have dimples. Just... Gross.

But to her credit, her old ass has one good asset in her life: Jesus Luz. Her 22-year-old supermodel boyfriend straight out of Brazil. Madonna probably purchased him straight from Sao Paolo because he couldn't speak English. Prime deal. Sources say he's upset that Madonna is reopening her scarab-infested tomb for her ex, Guy Ritchie. Jesus, don't be angry! Now Madonna won't make you fuck her.

Parents: Hide the Children.

Pity Case: Solange "The Name Sounds Familiar" Knowles

Apparently, not being able to sell albums when your sister's name automatically infers money was too much for Solange Knowles to deal with. This crazy bitch pulled a Britney and shaved her head! Note to Solange that person related to Beyonce: nothing you cut, destroy, remove, etc. can persuade people to purchase "Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams". Except maybe your life.

There's Something About Ri-Ri

Look at this hair! Rihanna is back again, still rocking a fucked up ass updo. But now she is walking around with this neck full of pearls like it's classy and/or acceptable. It looks like a bunch of clams took a shit on her neck.

And she has porn star lips. Just saying....

AND IS THAT LINT IN HER HAIR?!?

New Tag: "Greatest Hits: Ri-Ri"