So, class, here's the pop quiz question of the day: What part of Pam Anderson's gelatinous meat flaps isn't struggling to stay muzzled by her Baywatch slutsuit? I can hear her labia majora screaming for dear mercy, begging to surrender. If you look really closely, I think her taint is waving a white flag. It's official folks: her junk can't take too much more of this.s
Pam, that Ronald McDonald mask is pretty freaking, but for the record, I think people would rather see the lips you had surgically enhanced. Wait... no, that doesn't differentiate the two. Hmm... this one's hard. The point, bitch, is that if you're desire was the scare the shit out of people, you could've just projected a picture of your cougar slice onto the wall. The only way things could get anymore terrifying is if she walked out on her hands... who knows where her parts would have slide by the end of the runway? *Sighs*... gravity just can't be tricked, huh?
Uh oh, boys and girls. Either Ralph Lauren is letting the freshman computer science class at DeVry photoshop his ads, or he did this with malicious intent. Ralph Lauren, you are making an emphatic statement with these ridiculously photoshopped ads: "being thin is not enough. The new it thing is to be invisible. Like, nonexistent. Yes, nonexistent, like how you feel when you walk into a room and no one pays attention to you because you are too fat. Oh, and by the way, if you are fat, you don't even qualify as human anymore."
Tough luck, ladies. Losing all that baby fat, woman fat, fat needed to keep you alive, vitals organs located in the torso etc. etc. is probably going to be a bitch. But if you can pull it off without vomiting your own pancreas, congrats! You'll be able to fit into Ralph Lauren's Spring/Summer 2010 collection.
What did Krusty Karl Lagerfeld, the man who saved Chanel, have to say about this depiction of "a beautiful woman"?
Something along the lines of: "She's still too fat. And not as pretty as me. Baptiste, fan me down and hold back my hair while I purge." Of course, Krusty, of course.
New Tag: "Please Stop Eating".
PS: for all of you who don't know who Karl Lagerfeld's sex slave modeling apprentice is, here he is with Krusty. You can sort of see the leash peaking out of his shirt.
Seriously, guys, it's getting frustrating at this point. Has anyone seen my scarecrow LaToya Jackson?
I mean, seriously, LaToya... come on. What I'm about to say might be too soon for some, but I just have to get it out there. Ahem... be ready... ok.
Dear LaToya,
Trying to look like Michael Jackson won't make him come back. Please find other ways to cope that the public doesn't run in fits of terror away from.
Thanks.
But on a serious note, LaToya, you better do something with that weave of yours. It's getting ridiculous. Anymore split ends and Tyra is gonna rip it off and wear it on her show. Nobody wants that to happen.
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING?!?! OH, LAWDS, CATCH ME LEST I FAINT.
...Lindsay Lohan! Congrats, crackwhore. I swear, I don't know who does your make-up, where you get your crack, or where you tan, but GOODNESS SAKES! You look more mature than you ever have before! You beat Donatella Versace at her own game (have you ever played this game before? It's called "Let's Be Beastly". Donatella's a natural.).
But the most important experience you ever got from this transformation (she's only halfway done... she plans on looking like LaToya Jackson by February) is the sickly gold-orange hue everything from your scalp to your axe wound has taken on. Yum... skin cancer never looked so *posh*.
PS: New tag, just you, Lohan - Greatest Hits: Lindsay Gone Wrong.
RiRi makes yet another triumphant return with her most ridiculous looking cut yet. Bitch, why is your hair 5 inches away from your head? It's not a fro... so why the fuck is it so damn high? I don't understand. I really don't.
Honestly, this is really disappointing for me, because just when I thought black people had moved away from nasty weave like this (other than Tyra... her weave is on a whole different planet. PS: did anyone hear about Tyra's live colonic on her talk show? Sorry, Tyra, but I have no interest in seeing the various lipids being stored in your gas chamber. Kudos on being brave enough to show everyone what ended your modeling career, though.), big ass bling-bling, ugly ass make-up, UGLY ASS ROOTS, and ashiness (or skin whitener. I can't really tell which one.), RiRi brings her colorful Caribbean-ass back up to the Americas. Unacceptable.
And the barbed wire bondage she's showing off on the cover of her new single, entitled "Russian Roulette", is simply disgusting. I can't really blame her, though... it was probably Chris Brown's idea, and you know after he bit her (and she liked it, even though she told the police she didn't), she had to take the kinkiness to the next level. Justin Timberlake will not be able to handle all this fucked up BDSM-type shit she's toting around. Talk about baggage.
Us: Oh, yeah, Adam Lambert, you're so totally interested in whatever is between that beautiful woman's legs. Oh, yeah, you just love it, don't you?
Adam: Yes, I fucking love--umm, what you guys call it again? Va... va...?
Us: Vagina?
Adam: Oh, yeah... I guess.
(Little did we know that the "model" he was groping was actually a post-op transexual. That's right! Flown straight in from Thailand. We got it for a good price, too.)
But seriously, Adam Lambert, you couldn't possibly think that people might not view you as a flaming homosexual glam rock outcast who was runner-up on American Idol and hit notes higher than Whitney before she covered her bronchi in crack soot simply because you were seen on or around some lady parts, right?
Hint, hint, Adam: if you're looking for a penis, you'll never find one. Don't look down your pants, either... That one shriveled up in misery when Kris Allen won.
Until I can get my shit together and start better planning my time while I am here in college, I will be going on an indefinite hiatus. I would rather be consistent then simply drop in every so often, so until I feel I can do that... we will let this blog be. For now.
So I don't know if you are secretly obsessed with ghetto-ass Tyra, her ghetto booty, and her ghetto Emmy Award-winning day time talk show (which apparently isn't edited because this bitch is always stumbling over words and slipping into random fits of ebonics... Tyra we know you're from ghetto ass Inglewood but you're not gonna get Oprah's fan base by recommending which dollar store handbag give you the most bang for your buck+tax. Or by being on the CW.), one of the hottest episodes of this season, as evidenced by the over 500,000 views the corresponding YouTube videos got (isn't it scary that more 500,000 people went out of their way hear crazy-ass Tyra's tyra-ades?), was an episode on straight actors who do gay porn, affectionately referred to as Gay-for-Pay. I've seen this episode twice, and if there is one thing for certain, Tyra and her predominantly ignorant, female, ghetto, and black/latino (I feel like I'm being redundant) audience were not big fans of the people who took time to come on her show. I bet they told all the gay men that usually populate the audience to go invade Maury's studio so a mass orgy wouldn't break out on stage. Or, taking a good look at the size of that monster, on Tyra's foreheadass ego. Anyway, the result of the episode, which you should take a look at below, is Tyra and her femi-nazi hoodrat audience being extremely condescending towards the guys.
So the overarching debate that exists is... IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A STRAIGHT MAN COULD HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN?
Well, let's think. Can a stripper be celibate? Can a straight female stripper dance for women? Can a straight male stripper dance for men? Can a gay man have sex with women? Could a lesbian have sex with a man? Can a straight girl do lesbian porn? Better yet, how many straight girls do lesbian porn? Do you have to feel a physical attraction towards someone in order to have sex with them? I wonder, I wonder....
I like to think of things from a technical point of view. Men get boners for no reason. It's true. Trust me. That being said and commonly known, it is safe to say that man can become erect without having to be specifically turned on by the things they are attracted to. Now, sex feels good. Technically speaking, your dick doesn't know the difference between a girl's throat, a guy's ass or your own hand. As long as it feels good, the dick is happy.
So, keeping the idea of dick-happiness in mind, I don't see how people can say that such a phenomenon as gay-for-pay doesn't exist. I think the big problem is that people need to learn to separate and differentiate between sex, sexual attraction, and emotional attraction. Sex is just something people do, because it feels good and it feels instinctual. If a straight guy can plug an ugly chick and her ugly puss just because he's horny, even though he feels no attraction towards her, he can definitely plug a guy because he's horny, even if he feels no attraction towards him. If a straight girl can fuck around with another girl just to impress a guy, then a straight guy can still get with a dude and be straight... right?
Second of all, the people you have sex with, while often correlated to one's own sexual orientation, is not the be all and end all of one's sexual orientation. If this were true, gay men who live their lives without acting on their homosexual impulses, get married and live their lives as straight, all the while lusting for men, would be considered straight. Would you say that a man who has never been with a man, has a wife and kids, gets to his deathbed and finally says "I've been lying. I'm a gay man." (with an incredibly raspy voice because he's been smoking Kool cigarettes for years, like someone I know... dot dot dot.) has to be straight just because of his actions? Probably not. Now would you say that a gay man who has sex with women for money has to be straight, or at least bi? Of course you wouldn't. So why does then does a straight man who has sex with a man for money have to be gay, or at least bi? One could screw the opposite/same gender all his/her life, and if it's not the gender one feels a sexual attraction and emotional attraction to, that person is simply screwing despite his orientation. How this could not apply to both spectrums of sexual orientation is beyond me.
Scientifically speaking, an innumerable amount of men have reported watching porn, masturbating (or more), and doing other homoerotic things with other guys when they are younger, yet go on to have no real sexual attraction to men in the future. This is scientific fact, so please don't try to negate this with your opinion. This is just another example of how physical pleasure and sexual attraction are often mistaken for one another, instead of being noted as two interconnected things.
Second of all, almost everybody has a price. Doing my "research" (ehem... *blushes while being black so no one can see it*) on the porn business, I have learned the amenities of even an average, or new, gay porn star doing amateur work. These guys get flown out to beautiful parts of the country, namely Miami, LA, and San Francisco, roomed up in some of the best hotels, work for a few days, get paid 1000s of bucks for an onscreen orgasm, and then are flown home. They literally pay for nothing... not even a cab to and from the airport. They work a few hours tops each day then go off to explore the city they were just able to travel to for free. Now I'm not advocating porn, but I think there are a lot more straight guys than one is willing to admit that would be down to do something for a certain price. Straight guys were recently interviewed on the street being asked, "Would you suck a dick for 1500 bucks?" and their replies were "1500 is not enough". NOT ENOUGH? WHAT IS ENOUGH? YOU MEAN THAT FOR ENOUGH MONEY, YOU WOULD CONSIDER IT? How about 5000 bucks, a free ride to San Francisco, and connections to more studios that will pay more and more money? Now a straight guy with no cash, whether he is willing to openly admit it or not, would strongly consider that, even if he didn't act on it. So if a straight guy does it he must be gay, but if a straight guy only considers it, he can still be straight? Interesting.
I think the reason that people think that someone can't have sex with a gender he/she is not attracted to is because straight males make such an effort to assert and enforce their straightness. Most straight guys are absolutely offended when asked if they are gay (as if the "straight" clothes, hair, walk, voice, etc. that they make an effort to show off aren't doing the job), try to avoid anything that seems "gay" (which in itself, is quite illogical), and all around give the impression that homosexuality is so far from what they could ever be. This makes women, and other men, but mostly women, think that no straight man could possibly bring himself to do anything with a man. But listen up, women! What men say and do and what they think are and always will be, two different things. Don't let the macho-ness fool you, because unless they think being gay is a sin or a disease (douches), they probably look at homosexuality in a different light than they say they do. And they probably do it to impress you. How sweet.
Now I'm not saying every straight man in the history of the world would have sex with men for money. Nor am I saying that a certain amount of money is guaranteed to get a straight guy in bed. Or the couch. Or the kitchen. Damn. Anyway. All I am saying is that when you are horny, young, good-looking (and you know it), broke, and looking to get through college or just make ends meet , then being paid thousands to weekend in Miami while getting a BJ (from someone who happens to be a man) suddenly sounds a bit irresistible.
I'm just saying.... For 50 bucks, a bottle of Patron, and some antibacterial mouthwash, I'd probably lick your puss. Does that make me straight?
