Alert: This Shit is Just Messy.

Here is a special contribution from a friend named Eva. Pay close attention to how many times Kate Bush looks like she is simply about to give up halfway through her choreography... yet she reluctantly musters on through her shrill, wide-eyed tirade.

My biggest pet peeves are when she stumbles through her spins as if she dropped a small item and is frantically searching for it... before she gives up and continues her shrill, wide-eyed tirade, of course. Also, when the bitch simply won't go away at the end, and just stands there, appearing and reappearing while frantically swaying in the wind like she just caught the holy ghost, that shit really ticks me off. Like Eva said, we know that with the budget this cheap-ass video was made on, all Kate Bush did was sway, step back, sway, step back, etc. They plugged the video into Microsoft Porthole (it was a long time ago...) and used Paint to erase her backstepping. The result is this.

Oh, the 80s. How dear you are to us all.

God Bless America!

Yay: Sammy Sosa Does NOT Have Vitiligo. He Just Wants To Be White. *Phew*

Well, this is very relieving. Turns out that all the buzz about Sammy Sosa's lightened pigmentation is not such a big deal after all. His family and colleagues say that the lighter complexion is simply associated with bad lighting when the photo was taken. According to them, the retired baseball player was bitching about how old he was getting (he's 40 now) and decided to take a "skin rejuvenation" process. ...Right. It's called skin whitining, and black bitches have been doing it for years now. I don't know what happened to Sammy's though. I guess the nigra-color removers had adverse effects when mixed with the anabolic steroids oozing out of Sosa's pores, because the bitch doesn't look white. He just looks ashy, or simply terrified, like someone told him that they're naming a wing of the Hall of Fame for steroid users after him. Not that it wouldn't be appropriate.

Better yet, Sosa looks like he just came back from retirement the dead (same thing in the eyes of America). Have you ever seen any of those George A. Romero movies? Dawn of the Dead? Day of the Dead? Dead of the Dead? (Sometimes I think they are all the same....) Yeah, Sosa could def be the ringleader of all of them zombie fuckers. It would work out perfectly because he has way too many performance-enhancing drugs in him to be considered a sentient being, but boy is that buff motherfucker still kicking!

In the end, Sammy Sosa would've gotten a post on this blog at one point or another, though. When you look like that, you can consider Recent. Ugliness. your new home.

And we are oh-so-glad to welcome you.

JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE FAT.

K-Fed has been spending his back-owed child support money on Fat Macs, it would appear. Seems like big-ass t-shirts are the only things that fit this once-talented back-up dancer. Who is the bitch next to him? Is she responsible for showing him where his dick is? Cuz you know he can't find that shit anymore it's so damn deep in there. Can't blame the dick though: it's getting cold and you might as well retreat into the warmth of warring adipose that makes up K-Fed's FUPA.

Who else would've loved seeing K-Fat on that Oxygen network show, "Get Up and Dance Your Fat Ass Off, You Fat Ass" "Dance Your Ass Off"? That would've been to die for. Well other than a heart attack... at this rate, that's what K-Fed will die for.

PS: In great proof that hickness cannot be phased out, K-Fed wore a symbol of his trailer trash tribulations with Britney: camo sneakers. How low can one get? And I know those sneakers are screaming for dear mercy as K-Fed's gorilla feet squeeze all the air out of them. I can hear it now... "Help! Help! Oh, lord... shit, just kill me now. OW! Just do it."

Yes, that was a slogan pun.

BITCH SHOULDA CAME TO MY SCHOOL!!!

I knew it! I knew Emma Watson was a Mexican party girl at heart, guzzling her Coronas for the camera. Some people say she was simply posing with a beer, but a) that's stupid because she knows how much shit her coked-up publicist would give her for that, and b) bitch likes to get crunk like every other college person. She should've come to Columbia, instead going to that hippie school up in Providence, RI. I don't think she can handle the perpetual weed smog cloud that hangs over College Hill over there. She could've been getting buck in the middle of Broadway if the bitch had even a tad more common sense. What a shame.

Parents: hide the children before they figure out that Hermoine likes her BAC to teeter past legal.

Mindfuck: Craigslist Will Be the Death of You.

What he wrote:

-Dark chocolate complexion
-Tall, athletic stature
-Bedroom eyes
-Luscious, kissable lips
-Unique, attractive style
-Defined bone structure
-Aspiring model

What you saw through your peephole:

There's nothing quite like online dating.

God Bless America!

Undergut: Evolution.

Scott Speedman apparently didn't get the memo. Just because you have one franchise that seems to go pretty well at the box office doesn't mean that you can give up on your career afterward. Seeing as to how it was your chiseled looks that got you where you are today, I would suggest that you go back to the drawing board and think about how you will go back to eating more Keri Russell (it's been a few years for you both, hasn't it?) and less Roy Rogers. Besides, you look like Robert Buckley (below), and he still has his ab game intact, so don't let that horrendous actor put you on the unemployment line because then your gut will be bloated from emaciation, and since you're not from a third world country, no one will believe you when you say it wasn't your fault.

Not that Americans are apt to help starving people anyway.

Chris Brown Has Given Up On Being Creative.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Chris Brown's cover for his newest album, "Graffiti". This is a hot ass mess. First of all, Chris Brown is mean-mugging a bunch of cartoon characters. He seems so upset, as if the cartoon characters are stealing his shine. And, of course, what does Chris Brown do when he is angry? He grabs the nearest blunt object he can find, calls up his criminal lawyer, and prepares himself for another domestic abuse case. He's used to it by now. 

I find it hysterical that both Breezy and Adam Lambert got lazy and used the same stock photo as their album cover background (see below). They also used the same queen-y, flame-boy-ant shiny silver font for their album names. Where is the creativity, people? And he is wearing Beyonce's robot arm from the Single Ladies video, which is cute on her, but creepy (and possibly a dangerous weapon) on Chris Brown. This is a no-no.

Do you play guitar, Chris Brown? Do you play any instrument other than AutoTune? I don't think so. Hint, hint, Chris: you hold the guitar in front of you when you play it. There. That should make it easier. And you might find it easier to walk in those boots if you actually tied them up. You don't want that glittery font to drip inside your boots, because you know damn well that when you bend over to clean it up your tight ass pants are going to rip and Rihanna's written testimony is going to pop out of your ass where you tried to hide it. 

Ghey.

Adam Lambert seems to be taking a little too much inspiration from his female counterparts. Word on the street is that his new album name will also be inspired by Rihanna. I think he is calling it "A Good Girl Gone Guy". I mean, really, is that pink lip gloss? Are you Lil Mama? No. Until I see you interrupt a performance by Jay-Z, you should not be wearing lip gloss. Period.

I'm just wondering what the new trend is with musicians rubbing on their faces. Is this something cool? Should we all be trying to get in touch with our temples, eyelids, and other features? Where does it end? Lil Wayne named a mixtape "I Can't Feel My Face", but I don't think he intended on everyone else taking pictures of themselves making sure they still could.

We aren't even going to elaborate on how super duper gay Adam Lambert looks. We are simply going to make a quick statement on the matter, and move on. OK. Here we go.

"FLAMINGNESS OF THIS LEVEL IS ONLY ACCEPTABLE IN OUTER SPACE. HENCE YOUR ALBUM COVER."

Madonna is probably O-Facing with 80s tranny delight right now:

In the mean time, I would stay away from all three of these people. Madonna's decrepit puss is probably lapping up water from a dog bowl as we speak. Rihanna looks like she's on a mission to go bite Chris Brown back while he's distracted doing community service. And the permanent glitter aura around Adam Lambert is not hypoallergenic. Just warning you.

PS: I am gay and I love the gays so don't worry. The only homophobia here is my fear that Adam Lambert is going to float into my room with a disco ball hovering over him singing "I'm Every Woman". Don't tell me that shit doesn't scare you either.

It Must Really Be Hard Times....

Wait. No, hold the fuck on! Is this Keyshia Cole, who's been duping inner city women into buying albums with the same song repeated on it 10 times ("Love sucks. You broke my heart. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel better. Actually, no, love sucks."), on the front of a box of hair relaxer?!?!?! What I mean to say is, are you so damn broke that you are willing to put your face on a box of a perm?

Negros, blacks, African Americans, darker types, coloreds, etc. listen up carefully. Just when I thought we as black people had moved past letting our celebrities show how little we as black people have come over the years, I have to see this bullshit! What is going to be next? Will Kanye West be on a bottle of cocoa butter? Will pig feet come with Beyonce on the jar? Will Jay-Z's face be on boxes of Newports? When are we going to realize that as soon as we let something like this happen, the world jumps on it and exacerbates it? This is truly shameful.

Keyshia, how much are they paying you? In fact, are they paying you at all? Or did you trade your face for coupons to the dollar store and a hook-up from the local crack dealer? Because only the latter is acceptable.

This is prime pickings for HotGhettoMess.com.

Mindfuck: The Shallow End of the Cyrus Gene Pool

What in the fuck is this? Apparently, Miley Cyrus had a bulimic fit and threw this up, then washed down some Vicodin with a Colt 45. Actually, no, this is simply Miley's younger sister, Noah Cyrus, at a Halloween party. I heard the party's theme was "What Your Older Sister Will Look Like in 3 Years", so this is pretty fucking accurate. If Dakota Fanning got socked in the face by Chris Brown, she would resemble this pretty little thang.

OK, yes, she's only 9. Yes, her teeth are like that because kids her age rarely have straight teeth. Yes, she looks like a cracked-out slut her sister. And yes, I do feel a little bad making fun of her. But, let's be real, Lil' NoNo (just made that up, thank you very much), it was only a matter of time before People magazine had you on their Worst Dressed List. If you wanna remedy the situation, my best advice to you would be take off the trailer trash make-up...unless you want everyone to know what you would've looked like had you and your father not wired money from your sister's bank account to pay your bills.