Thursday, October 29, 2009


Adam Lambert seems to be taking a little too much inspiration from his female counterparts. Word on the street is that his new album name will also be inspired by Rihanna. I think he is calling it "A Good Girl Gone Guy". I mean, really, is that pink lip gloss? Are you Lil Mama? No. Until I see you interrupt a performance by Jay-Z, you should not be wearing lip gloss. Period.

I'm just wondering what the new trend is with musicians rubbing on their faces. Is this something cool? Should we all be trying to get in touch with our temples, eyelids, and other features? Where does it end? Lil Wayne named a mixtape "I Can't Feel My Face", but I don't think he intended on everyone else taking pictures of themselves making sure they still could.

We aren't even going to elaborate on how super duper gay Adam Lambert looks. We are simply going to make a quick statement on the matter, and move on. OK. Here we go.


Madonna is probably O-Facing with 80s tranny delight right now:


In the mean time, I would stay away from all three of these people. Madonna's decrepit puss is probably lapping up water from a dog bowl as we speak. Rihanna looks like she's on a mission to go bite Chris Brown back while he's distracted doing community service. And the permanent glitter aura around Adam Lambert is not hypoallergenic. Just warning you.

PS: I am gay and I love the gays so don't worry. The only homophobia here is my fear that Adam Lambert is going to float into my room with a disco ball hovering over him singing "I'm Every Woman". Don't tell me that shit doesn't scare you either.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

It Must Really Be Hard Times....

Wait. No, hold the fuck on! Is this Keyshia Cole, who's been duping inner city women into buying albums with the same song repeated on it 10 times ("Love sucks. You broke my heart. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel better. Actually, no, love sucks."), on the front of a box of hair relaxer?!?!?! What I mean to say is, are you so damn broke that you are willing to put your face on a box of a perm?

Negros, blacks, African Americans, darker types, coloreds, etc. listen up carefully. Just when I thought we as black people had moved past letting our celebrities show how little we as black people have come over the years, I have to see this bullshit! What is going to be next? Will Kanye West be on a bottle of cocoa butter? Will pig feet come with Beyonce on the jar? Will Jay-Z's face be on boxes of Newports? When are we going to realize that as soon as we let something like this happen, the world jumps on it and exacerbates it? This is truly shameful.

Keyshia, how much are they paying you? In fact, are they paying you at all? Or did you trade your face for coupons to the dollar store and a hook-up from the local crack dealer? Because only the latter is acceptable.

This is prime pickings for

Monday, October 26, 2009

Mindfuck: The Shallow End of the Cyrus Gene Pool

What in the fuck is this? Apparently, Miley Cyrus had a bulimic fit and threw this up, then washed down some Vicodin with a Colt 45. Actually, no, this is simply Miley's younger sister, Noah Cyrus, at a Halloween party. I heard the party's theme was "What Your Older Sister Will Look Like in 3 Years", so this is pretty fucking accurate. If Dakota Fanning got socked in the face by Chris Brown, she would resemble this pretty little thang.

OK, yes, she's only 9. Yes, her teeth are like that because kids her age rarely have straight teeth. Yes, she looks like a cracked-out slut her sister. And yes, I do feel a little bad making fun of her. But, let's be real, Lil' NoNo (just made that up, thank you very much), it was only a matter of time before People magazine had you on their Worst Dressed List. If you wanna remedy the situation, my best advice to you would be take off the trailer trash make-up...unless you want everyone to know what you would've looked like had you and your father not wired money from your sister's bank account to pay your bills.

Strong Enough for a Man, but not for Marc Anthony

I'm sorry, Marc, did you sit in a steam room before your red carpet appearance? Was J. Lo tickling your anal fissure and getting you all hot and bothered in the limo? No? So you mean to tell me that you have no excuse for those Great Lakes forming around your pits? Oh.

Marc Anthony is seen here with his cougar of a wife in Miami, apparently taking the global water deficit problem into his own hands. Does he expect all the third world kiddies to suckle from his pit fountains? I can't imagine it being much fresher than the stagnant sewer water creating moats around their shacks (I'm not making fun of them!!!!). Hmm, could be a good idea, though. I won't trust it until J. Lo takes a golden shower in it first.

In the meantime, could someone run to CVS and get this dude a stick of Degree? It's just so much inexplicable fucking sweat. It's like his shirt felt peer pressure and started sweating too.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I Didn't Realize It Was Halloween Already...

Kim Kardashian Celebrates Birthday with Family

Well, if it is, Kim Kardashian is, unsurprisingly, all over that shit. And she is coming as a metallic, cheetah-printed strawberry. She must've been going to that "Everyone Wears Their Favorite Condom Flavor Party", but they weren't going to allow her to come with nothing on... or covered in jizz. Kinda sad, really, since that's the only thing she looks comfortable covered in.

Available for Your Children's Birthday Party!

If fucked-up looking cross-dressing basketball players are your forte, then for the last decade and a half, there hasn't been a better person to stare at in disgust and complete wonder than the one and only Dennis Rodman. Seen here preparing to walk for John Galliano's Spring/Summer/Apocalypse 2012 collection, Dennis brings back memories of the birthday clown that didn't smile enough, touched you too often, and made provocatively shaped balloon figures. It creeped you out, huh? He would start folding that balloon, but no matter what, the balloon shape he wanted you to have was "sausage". And while you studied the meaning of such a balloon shape, you felt something slide up your leg....

OK, maybe that's just me.

He still looks fucking disgusting.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Mindfuck: The Definition of Coochie Cutters (NSFW)

So, class, here's the pop quiz question of the day: What part of Pam Anderson's gelatinous meat flaps isn't struggling to stay muzzled by her Baywatch slutsuit? I can hear her labia majora screaming for dear mercy, begging to surrender. If you look really closely, I think her taint is waving a white flag. It's official folks: her junk can't take too much more of this.s

Pam, that Ronald McDonald mask is pretty freaking, but for the record, I think people would rather see the lips you had surgically enhanced. Wait... no, that doesn't differentiate the two. Hmm... this one's hard. The point, bitch, is that if you're desire was the scare the shit out of people, you could've just projected a picture of your cougar slice onto the wall. The only way things could get anymore terrifying is if she walked out on her hands... who knows where her parts would have slide by the end of the runway? *Sighs*... gravity just can't be tricked, huh?

Ralph Lauren to Normal Women: Lose Weight.

Uh oh, boys and girls. Either Ralph Lauren is letting the freshman computer science class at DeVry photoshop his ads, or he did this with malicious intent. Ralph Lauren, you are making an emphatic statement with these ridiculously photoshopped ads: "being thin is not enough. The new it thing is to be invisible. Like, nonexistent. Yes, nonexistent, like how you feel when you walk into a room and no one pays attention to you because you are too fat. Oh, and by the way, if you are fat, you don't even qualify as human anymore."

Tough luck, ladies. Losing all that baby fat, woman fat, fat needed to keep you alive, vitals organs located in the torso etc. etc. is probably going to be a bitch. But if you can pull it off without vomiting your own pancreas, congrats! You'll be able to fit into Ralph Lauren's Spring/Summer 2010 collection.

What did Krusty Karl Lagerfeld, the man who saved Chanel, have to say about this depiction of "a beautiful woman"?

Something along the lines of: "She's still too fat. And not as pretty as me. Baptiste, fan me down and hold back my hair while I purge." Of course, Krusty, of course.

New Tag: "Please Stop Eating".

PS: for all of you who don't know who Karl Lagerfeld's sex slave modeling apprentice is, here he is with Krusty. You can sort of see the leash peaking out of his shirt.

Have You Ever Heard of a Comb?

Seriously, guys, it's getting frustrating at this point. Has anyone seen my scarecrow LaToya Jackson?

I mean, seriously, LaToya... come on. What I'm about to say might be too soon for some, but I just have to get it out there. Ahem... be ready... ok.

Dear LaToya,

Trying to look like Michael Jackson won't make him come back. Please find other ways to cope that the public doesn't run in fits of terror away from.


But on a serious note, LaToya, you better do something with that weave of yours. It's getting ridiculous. Anymore split ends and Tyra is gonna rip it off and wear it on her show. Nobody wants that to happen.


And the Award for Most Likely to Die of Old Age Soon Goes To...

...Lindsay Lohan! Congrats, crackwhore. I swear, I don't know who does your make-up, where you get your crack, or where you tan, but GOODNESS SAKES! You look more mature than you ever have before! You beat Donatella Versace at her own game (have you ever played this game before? It's called "Let's Be Beastly". Donatella's a natural.).

But the most important experience you ever got from this transformation (she's only halfway done... she plans on looking like LaToya Jackson by February) is the sickly gold-orange hue everything from your scalp to your axe wound has taken on. Yum... skin cancer never looked so *posh*.

PS: New tag, just you, Lohan - Greatest Hits: Lindsay Gone Wrong.

Just When You Thought We As a Black Community Had Given Up on Blond Updos...

RiRi makes yet another triumphant return with her most ridiculous looking cut yet. Bitch, why is your hair 5 inches away from your head? It's not a fro... so why the fuck is it so damn high? I don't understand. I really don't.

Honestly, this is really disappointing for me, because just when I thought black people had moved away from nasty weave like this (other than Tyra... her weave is on a whole different planet. PS: did anyone hear about Tyra's live colonic on her talk show? Sorry, Tyra, but I have no interest in seeing the various lipids being stored in your gas chamber. Kudos on being brave enough to show everyone what ended your modeling career, though.), big ass bling-bling, ugly ass make-up, UGLY ASS ROOTS, and ashiness (or skin whitener. I can't really tell which one.), RiRi brings her colorful Caribbean-ass back up to the Americas. Unacceptable.

And the barbed wire bondage she's showing off on the cover of her new single, entitled "Russian Roulette", is simply disgusting. I can't really blame her, though... it was probably Chris Brown's idea, and you know after he bit her (and she liked it, even though she told the police she didn't), she had to take the kinkiness to the next level. Justin Timberlake will not be able to handle all this fucked up BDSM-type shit she's toting around. Talk about baggage.


Parents: Hide the Children.

Stop Acting Like You Like It!

Us: Oh, yeah, Adam Lambert, you're so totally interested in whatever is between that beautiful woman's legs. Oh, yeah, you just love it, don't you?

Adam: Yes, I fucking love--umm, what you guys call it again? Va... va...?

Us: Vagina?

Adam: Oh, yeah... I guess.

(Little did we know that the "model" he was groping was actually a post-op transexual. That's right! Flown straight in from Thailand. We got it for a good price, too.)

But seriously, Adam Lambert, you couldn't possibly think that people might not view you as a flaming homosexual glam rock outcast who was runner-up on American Idol and hit notes higher than Whitney before she covered her bronchi in crack soot simply because you were seen on or around some lady parts, right?

Hint, hint, Adam: if you're looking for a penis, you'll never find one. Don't look down your pants, either... That one shriveled up in misery when Kris Allen won.

I'm Back...




And, of course...

Recent. Ugliness.

Step your bookmark game up.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Until I can get my shit together and start better planning my time while I am here in college, I will be going on an indefinite hiatus. I would rather be consistent then simply drop in every so often, so until I feel I can do that... we will let this blog be. For now.