Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Most Desperate Geezer In America

How do you react to your son's untimely death? Advertise for your new recording company, that's how! Since MJ left his abusive father Joe Jackson out of his will for beating him (he didn't stop til he got enough, BAHAHA), Joe Jackson tried to figure out his a way to make some money off of his dead son.

You've got to be a fool to sign a contract to work under a man with a face like this. You could build a bomb shelter in his neck flaps. And judging from that hoop earring, Joe Jackson might be a lesbian in disguise. Boycott the geezer!

Parents: hide the children.

Plastic Stripper Desecrates MJ's Face

This no name skank decided to get MJ's face tattoo'ed on her arm. How dare she? We all know that since you are made of recycled soda bottles, you could have gotten a tattoo anywhere without feeling any pain. Might as well have gotten his face tattooed over yours.

Lycra Leotards Gone Wronger

Is this some sick publicity stunt to try to get yourself more attention than your sister, Solange? I can see bones, muscles, and tendons contorting in ways I've never wanted to. As you helplessly gasp for air while singing a song no one wants to hear to an audience that doesn't want to hear you, you start to regret the fact that you forgot that lycra shrinks in the heat. Now not only is it taking away your life force, but it is exposing that preggo fat you never got up the energy to run off. Horrible situation.

Take that masking tape off your face and use it to tape down your FUPA.

Coked-Up Coochie

This is just scary. Kate Moss flashed her pooner to the paparazzi, presumably while looking for the coke tubule she dropped as she fumbled for the car door handle. No worries, Kate, it got sucked up into your meat curtains! I heard it works faster that way.

Stop doing drugs. And go get your roots redone.

The Emancipation of Man-Man


Who's that? It's Mariah Carey as a man. And it's not cute. And it's not acceptable. On the set of her new movie currently entitled *No One Will Want to Watch This*, or at least that's what I think it is, Mariah Carey stole all of the body hair she could find on Nick Cannon and all it could cover was her mouth. It's comfortable there anyway, so it's OK.

Eyewitness: Godzilla Emerges From The Sea

Run! It's Godzilla! Actually, it's washed up (haha, picture pun) Everybody Loves Raymond actor Brad Garrett, taking up all the dirty water probably somewhere on the Jersey shore (look at the tint of that seawater; looks like a cheap Northeast beach to me).

Poor little boy being sucked into the vortex created by Brad's giant footsteps. If he doesn't stop screaming, Brad is going to shove him into his chest hair. Who knows how many corpses are in there.

For the danger made possible by Brad Garrett's children-hungry ways,

Parents: hide the children.

Sweat is a Withdrawal Symptom

Flavor Man

In an effort to bring down black people even more than the BET Awards did, Flavor Flav is showing his face in public... again. He doesn't have his crack hoochie on him, but he does have crackhead tendencies, as witnessed by that overly Sub-Saharan-ly nappy mane of his.

Ditch the vending machine bling, the 99 cent store clock, and Foakley shades and go pay your child support instead of talking to the news about the lack-of-relationship you had with MJ. And someone get him a Swiffer to get that pool of sweat off of his upper lip.

Human Chalkboard


I'm sorry, Courtney, but you have to make a vampire-esque effort to avoid the sun to become this pale. I could teach math on a chalkboard using your fingers. The outfit isn't that bad, though, except for that cheap phone that you OD'd on like a CrackBerry. It's hanging from it's hinges, just like your sanity.

Save the citizens of New York from this ghastly view and go back into your coffin until nighttime.


We've got another case of the stares. Karen Mulder, a "famous" supermodel whom no one has ever heard of, is staring someone/something down. I don't know what it is but I am really afraid it is going to turn to stone. Is anyone else concerned that she is a Terminator? Run for your lives!

When are people going to realize that it's not acceptable to trip balls in public?