Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Most Desperate Geezer In America

How do you react to your son's untimely death? Advertise for your new recording company, that's how! Since MJ left his abusive father Joe Jackson out of his will for beating him (he didn't stop til he got enough, BAHAHA), Joe Jackson tried to figure out his a way to make some money off of his dead son.

You've got to be a fool to sign a contract to work under a man with a face like this. You could build a bomb shelter in his neck flaps. And judging from that hoop earring, Joe Jackson might be a lesbian in disguise. Boycott the geezer!

Parents: hide the children.

Plastic Stripper Desecrates MJ's Face

This no name skank decided to get MJ's face tattoo'ed on her arm. How dare she? We all know that since you are made of recycled soda bottles, you could have gotten a tattoo anywhere without feeling any pain. Might as well have gotten his face tattooed over yours.

Lycra Leotards Gone Wronger

Is this some sick publicity stunt to try to get yourself more attention than your sister, Solange? I can see bones, muscles, and tendons contorting in ways I've never wanted to. As you helplessly gasp for air while singing a song no one wants to hear to an audience that doesn't want to hear you, you start to regret the fact that you forgot that lycra shrinks in the heat. Now not only is it taking away your life force, but it is exposing that preggo fat you never got up the energy to run off. Horrible situation.

Take that masking tape off your face and use it to tape down your FUPA.

Coked-Up Coochie

This is just scary. Kate Moss flashed her pooner to the paparazzi, presumably while looking for the coke tubule she dropped as she fumbled for the car door handle. No worries, Kate, it got sucked up into your meat curtains! I heard it works faster that way.

Stop doing drugs. And go get your roots redone.

The Emancipation of Man-Man


Who's that? It's Mariah Carey as a man. And it's not cute. And it's not acceptable. On the set of her new movie currently entitled *No One Will Want to Watch This*, or at least that's what I think it is, Mariah Carey stole all of the body hair she could find on Nick Cannon and all it could cover was her mouth. It's comfortable there anyway, so it's OK.

Eyewitness: Godzilla Emerges From The Sea

Run! It's Godzilla! Actually, it's washed up (haha, picture pun) Everybody Loves Raymond actor Brad Garrett, taking up all the dirty water probably somewhere on the Jersey shore (look at the tint of that seawater; looks like a cheap Northeast beach to me).

Poor little boy being sucked into the vortex created by Brad's giant footsteps. If he doesn't stop screaming, Brad is going to shove him into his chest hair. Who knows how many corpses are in there.

For the danger made possible by Brad Garrett's children-hungry ways,

Parents: hide the children.

Sweat is a Withdrawal Symptom

Flavor Man

In an effort to bring down black people even more than the BET Awards did, Flavor Flav is showing his face in public... again. He doesn't have his crack hoochie on him, but he does have crackhead tendencies, as witnessed by that overly Sub-Saharan-ly nappy mane of his.

Ditch the vending machine bling, the 99 cent store clock, and Foakley shades and go pay your child support instead of talking to the news about the lack-of-relationship you had with MJ. And someone get him a Swiffer to get that pool of sweat off of his upper lip.

Human Chalkboard


I'm sorry, Courtney, but you have to make a vampire-esque effort to avoid the sun to become this pale. I could teach math on a chalkboard using your fingers. The outfit isn't that bad, though, except for that cheap phone that you OD'd on like a CrackBerry. It's hanging from it's hinges, just like your sanity.

Save the citizens of New York from this ghastly view and go back into your coffin until nighttime.


We've got another case of the stares. Karen Mulder, a "famous" supermodel whom no one has ever heard of, is staring someone/something down. I don't know what it is but I am really afraid it is going to turn to stone. Is anyone else concerned that she is a Terminator? Run for your lives!

When are people going to realize that it's not acceptable to trip balls in public?

Monday, June 29, 2009

Alert: Life Size Tranny Blow Doll

His/her/its name is Orit Fux. That's right, the thing's last name is Fux. And for about $3, a McDonalds coupon, and the promise of never visiting the plastic surgeon who took part in this, you too can enjoy this life-sized endangered creature in your backyard! It even comes with a leash!

Seriously, Michael K., there is nothing cute about this and you should not be offering to marry it or screw it (not that beastiality is legal). I wonder how many Barbies that thing ripped hair from to make that wig. Or how many recycled milk jugs are pumped into her lips and cheeks. Oh, the mysteries of the world.

Spare us next time, D-Listed? Actually, no, nevermind. Keep this up. It's good material. Hooray for plastic surgery mishaps! Sean and Christian would never stand for this (Nip/Tuck joke...).

Parents: hide the children.

In Your Face, Perez (Literally)

perez hilton

Yay! Polo, the manager for the Black Eyed Peas, can look at his knuckles, bruised and covered in Perez Hilton's face fat, and be proud of what he has done. Perez's eye is not healing so nicely after all, meaning he has to walk around and deal with that same question over and over again: "Dude, what the fuck happened to you face? *gag*". Keep your mouth shut next time.

BET Awards Fugly Red Carpet Special

We all knew that this was going to be inevitable. It's time to round up the ugliest looks, and the ugliest people, of the BET Awards show from last night. Here we go!

Lil Mama - What the fuck are you doing? When are ghetto girls going to realize that black and brown don't match, especially when mixed with cheap, stiff, Yaki weave from the corner store? Earth to Lil Mama: if your hair needs to be glued on, find another option. And I know they call it a clutch, but you've got a mean ass grip on that thing. Don't see you fitting much in there without crushing it. Damn, if you need to grab something, find a dick! Maybe JC Chasez, since you are always up on that shit during America's Best Dance Crew. Now stand up straight before you roll your ankle.

LeToya - Spiderwebs and ripped up fabrics from your linen closet do not constitute a red carpet outfit. And those visual illusion heels are giving me a headache. Can't you see it's sunny outside!? I can see your baby fat leaking out of the various slits in that dress. Reminds me of a half-open can of biscuits.

Tyra Skanks - Ahoy Mateys! Did you get dressed up for a pirate convention? You are lazy, too: you didn't even take the time to finish tying that giant-ass bowtie. And you have a camel toe. Plus, those cheap nylon pants are screaming for mercy as they are unnaturally stretched around your thunder thighs. You are a pretty, but fuller figured, woman, Tyra: stop punishing inelastic materials.

Jeremy Piven - You aren't really dressed poorly, it's just that you're white. I don't have a problem with white people going to the BET Awards, I just don't see why they would ever want to.

Toccara - The sagginess I observe makes me think you are wearing a push-down bra. Those things are almost as close to the ground as your modeling career. Furthermore, there are all kinds of lumps and tumors and whatnot trying to escape your pants legs! I can see them struggling, and no matter how much you smile, you know you need to give them some room to breathe, because it's hurting you too.

Chamillionaire - I thought we moved past Mean Mugging as an acceptable pose. I doubt anyone remembers "Ridin' Dirty", which is the only reason you are famous (and therefore was invited to sit in the back row at this awards show), which is why I am surprised you weren't arrested as soon as you hopped out of your Houston-bred pick up truck. Take off the Timex watch and the plastic bear necklaces, which I'm certain I can buy at a vending machine outside a bodega near my house.

Shocker Khan - The ropes of weave hanging by threads and cheap glue from your bare skull are about ready to call it quits, and for good reason. Why stick around, trying to make you look good, when you are going to wear Amy Lee-inspired drag queen ensembles to award shows? And, for the love of God, please push your titties back together; they are running off in different directions.

Ray Gay - I am simply surprised to hear that the money you made off of your sucky VH1 show, "For the Love of Ray J", wasn't enough for you to be able to afford a suit that fits. Instead you opted for your father's church suit, complete with ballooning Hammer pants and the shiniest shoes that "Lawd Jayzus" ever created.

Soulja Boy - You are the definition of tacky. The Gucci seatbelt wrapped around your mid-thighs (since we all know you weren't wearing your pants around your waist like a normal person). The two "Bling for Babys" watches made out of real rock candy. The starter stud cubic zirconium earrings. The various Mr. T rings on your bony fingers. The grandfather clock pendulum hanging from your scrawny neck. This is just a complete mess, as your performance on a bed was. If your ability to repeat mundane statements with that annoying voice of yours wasn't secretly fun to dance to, I'd throw you into the middle of Peachtree Street and let mid-day traffic handle its business.

And what the fuck is up with that MJ tribute T-Shirt? As far as I'm concerned, Michael Jackson was never in "The Lion King" or "Cats".

Ne-Yo - Velour track jacket? Kangol hat? You are not LL Cool J! And even he wouldn't try to pull this off now. And those coke bottle glasses must be hurting your eyes.

Mario - Ew. Milk Dud heads are not attractive. Neither is your guido skintight polo, which undoubtedly you picked up from the Ciao! sale at Armani Exchange. Grow some hair and some common sense.

Alicia Keys: BEST DRESSED BEAUTY! This is absolutely gorgeous, but what else would one expect from this queen? And she won the Humanitarian Award! Thank God someone didn't show up to the only Black music awards special on television looking like a Hot Ghetto Mess.

BET's red carpet was about as empowering for black people as a minstrel show. Negros are still making shames of themselves. :( But without them, I would have nothing to write about!

God Bless America!

Alert: Make Your Asshole Happy Today!

Get the "Comfort Wipe"!

This is hysterical, and part of me wants to purchase one. Hey if the fat guy at 0:39 is pleased, I bet I will be too!

Fail Blog Strikes Again!

fail owned pwned pictures

The real problem here is that police think it's acceptable to roll around in a Coupe DeVille. If you can get past that, then you may begin criticizing the limo. I can't quite get to that point though.

Gary Busey is Losing Control Of His Face


Old men these days. Gary Busey is working the Hunchback of Notre Dame face pretty well. Something tells me that you can't achieve an expression like that without having had a stroke. Kudos to him!

He once told someone that he was going to "rip your Endocrine system out of your body". Oh, the thought just makes me hot! Does anyone else want to see Gary Busey's drugged up ass attempt to rip lymph nodes out of a corpse? Maybe it's just me, but I think it would get like 6,000,000 hits on YouTube.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hick Trucker Trailer Whore

What the fuck is this shit? I swear to go I saw a bunch of these alien things walking down Fifth Avenue at the Gay Pride Parade today. Earth to Lindsay: showing the world how strung out you are won't make you any less of a druggie. If this is your cry for help, you should try alternative methods: no one is going to want to help you if they can't stand to look at you!

Go get your hair done and eat a burger.

Parents: hide the children.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Recognizing the Ugliness In Oneself


You can't go and be all critical of others without recognizing the ugliness within oneself. That is why I am saying to the world: I am officially working at McDonalds. I've been struggling with finding something to do all summer, and now that I have an opportunity, no matter how lowly it may be to the class conscious, I am scooping it up and never letting go. Ronald McDonald, I have great news for you: I am on my knees with gratitude for you. Do with me what you will.

It's a hard knock life. And this is the struggle.

Someone Needs A Bra That Fits

Now that you are going on 40 and have baby twins, the only person who want to see your swollen, suckled nipples is your husband Marc Anthony. Keep your boobs to yourself!

Alert: Tame That Mane!

There is nothing cute about Spencer Pratt's untamed mane. Did they just honeymoon in Africa? Only the Sahara could provide you with such beastly features and a perfect tan at the same time!

I suggest you go get a haircut. And some obedience classes so you don't throw a temper tantrum and burst Heidi's implant.

Then again, I hear the Bronx Zoo is looking to rejuvenate it's "Where The Wild Things Are" exhibit. They're in Hollywood, DUH!

I Hate the 90s

I actually love all of the many contributions that this decade brought to America and to the world. But it's success gets overshadowed by things like Janet Jackson's hemp rope weave-a-thon. Sometimes I can't help but be happy that things like this are over.

My condolences go out to the Jackson family.

What In The Fuck?

Thank you to DListed for breaking the news on this bullshit. Who is the inventor for these? I would like you to contact me directly so we can sort this out.

Horrifying. The toe rubbers speak for themselves.


Lady Ga-Gag

There is no denying that Lady GaGa makes music that you can move to. But that is no excuse for walking around looking like a Soul Caliber character. Both her dress and that freaky keyboard monstrosity appear to be arts and crafts projects of third graders from the local Y. I could make that with cardboard and black finger paint. I SELL REAL CHEAP TOO FINEST QUALITY!!

It's OK, Lady. I would be gasping for air too if someone wrapped me tightly in aluminum foil. Put down your origami instruments and your hooker wig and go get some fresh air!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Stop Staring At Me, Harry

Is this supposed to be sexy? Well it's not. It's creepy. Like JRM creepy. Scroll down for more on that.

Can't wait for your movie, Daniel! July 15th: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Perez is a Fool, says Matthew Shepard Foundation

According to a letter from the Matthew Shepard Foundation, Perez's use of the word "faggot" is contradictory to the goals and standards of the organization, so they won't be accepting any donations from him. Read on:

" The Matthew Shepard Foundation was surprised to learn this morning via media reports that blogger Perez Hilton (Mario Lavandeira) has announced he plans to donate, to our organization, the proceeds of a lawsuit he is contesting over an altercation which has been widely reported in recent days.

We had no advance notice or contact from Mr. Hilton or his representatives regarding this proposal, nor any communication since he posted this plan to his website.

We do not know the details of the lawsuit, whether it has been filed, the nature of his claims or the likely outcome. But because the lawsuit presumably involves the physical attack prompted by Mr. Hilton's admitted use of an anti-gay slur, the Foundation will be unable to accept any funds obtained in such a manner.

We very much appreciate the generosity of the offer to support our continuing work to memorialize Matthew through activism in defense of sexual minorities and in favor of understanding, compassion, and acceptance. But because so much of our work involves education to reduce the use of hateful language against gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons, or those so perceived, it would be inappropriate for us to benefit financially from circumstances in which such a verbal attack was involved.

While we applaud Mr. Hilton's apology to the LGBT community and their loved ones for his use of such a slur, we also feel compelled to point out that use of epithets can often lead to physical violence, as it appears it may have in this case, and that the Matthew Shepard Foundation has worked for more than 10 years to bring to people's attention the consequences of hateful or inolerant language.

Judy Shepard
Chair, MSF Governing Board"

Serves him right! I knew I wasn't the only one who thought that this guy was just too wrong to defend during his sexual, ehem, physical abuse case against Polo, manager of the Black Eyed Peas. Keep fighting the war!

Attack of the Pregnant Oompa-Loompa

The result of too much bronzer, too much country music, and too much Carl's Jr. is evident in this blindly bright beach blond tanned Jessica Simpson. First of all, stop eating, Jessica. You are still famous because of your beauty, and you owe it to your fans to stop putting out country albums, and start, well, putting out. It's what got you that ex-husband of yours. Second, lay off the bronzer and the hair dying: when that bleach stains your hair green and that bronzer tints your skin orange, the only jobs you will get will be as extras in Willy Wonka movies. Do you want that? No. And neither do I.

Hollywood Tuna lets us in on the debacle that is her dress. We have no comment to release on that at this point.


Fake Plastic Kabbalah Bangers

This is the fakest thing I think I have ever seen. PhotoShop can work wonders, but it can't turn a 50 year old sag-fest into a 20 year old Lolita virgin blowdoll. Conspiracy theory: this sculpture was stolen from the Wax Museum in Times Square. Louis Vuitton, you are a thief!

And when are you going to retire that monogram, LV? I could print that pattern on wallpaper and plaster it across my room for less than it would cost to get that fugly bag.

Does anyone else think her fingers look like Vienna sausages? Nom nom nom nom.

Nothing Cute About This, Katy.

There is really nothing appetizing, sexy, or acceptable about a woman wearing a pizza while lying in a tub. It's not edgy. It's not cute. It's just disgusting. And that pizza is getting all cold and soggy on your lipo-ed tummy when it could be feeding Somali children. What a shame.


Who says the crack epidemic is over? Flavor Flav and his latest binge-mate/lady of the night had the audacity to tarnish the roads of Beverly Hills. Flavor was probably looking to console himself after not being allowed to enter the premises. Apparently MJ said the only monkey allowed on the premises was Bubbles. So sad, since Flavor and Bubbles are almost indistinguishable. Well, Bubbles looks like she eats.

I'm sure they were arrested eventually. After picking up this hooker from South Central, Flavor Flav headed up to Beverly Hills to do some drug-induced window shopping (not even VH1 could get him out of debt and pay all of his child support bills; they would have to file for bankruptcy). I'm sure the police were able to follow the trail of crack rocks to their final destination and scrub the sidewalks of Rodeo Drive in time for the Real Housewives to do their daily shopping binge... it's a drug too, you know.

Good riddance.

Cornrows Take Time to Finish

How dare the police come popping into the crackhouse while this poor young criminal was trying to get his hair did? This is just unfortunate. Homie can't be looking all half-did while in jail! He'll be made someone's bitch as soon as he boards the bus to Sing Sing.

While I feel so bad for the man arrested mid-taming, I feel even worse for the woman/man-who-wants-to-be-a-woman who was braiding his hair for his/her/its next crack binge. Damn police shackled him up before he could toss you a vial! And taming the damn cotton plantation on his head while steadying your withdrawal-induced hand shivers must've been so trying! And the braids are so straight! I'll pray for you.
Follow the link below for more info on where Marcus T. Bailey is so he can slip you a tubule as you slip him a 5.

God Bless America!

Parents: hide the children.


Heroin Has Bad Effects On You

This is sad for so many reasons. The man in the picture doesn't even realize that there is a camera flashing in front of him. DXM has ill effects, it would seem. Poor guy. Someone get him some detox.

And get two doses for the girl. Assuming it is a girl. Deep in the back of your mind you are thinking, "if I stare long enough, I'm pretty sure that's a man in a wig". That's because it might be. The jawline, the man hands, and the sloppy, weave-esque hair. It all screams pre-op tranny.

This remains proof that ugliness can and does exist outside of the realm of celebrities. Though both of these people could benefit from a session of "Celebrity Rehab". It worked for Danny Bonaduce.

Couldn't Agree More! Sorry, Aditi!

Shave That Nasty Shit

This is appalling for too many reasons to count. I swear to God I saw a ghetto black lady with his beard on her head. And guess what, he's the first place winner!

Did you know that you can win recognition and awards for having nasty, dyed gross shit like this coming out of your face? It's called the World Beard and Moustache Championships, and if you visit the website at the bottom of this post, you can relish in the hairy, beastly nastiness. God, if that's what his face looks like, well, oh god *BARFS*.

Please continue to keep your shirt on.

Parents: hide the children.


Keep Her Clothes On!

Why would you ever want to strip search this girl? I'm not saying she didn't deserve it, but, when you see her and then think "now I have to see her naked", do you not gag and barf silently? If I were a security guard, I couldn't care if she had the whole nation of Columbia shoved up her ass crack, I would never want to see any pale, milky, prepubescent sagging, ever. I would take her fucking word for it and pray it pops out her ass crack and falls down her pants leg while she walks by us.

She sounds like a nice girl, though. However, strip searching and fat pre-teens should never go together. Unless you like it like that.

Busted Twins Alert!

Alert! Alert! I've discovered busted twins. Ugliness is lethal on it's own, but when we are ambushed with two of them, it can cause damage of apocalyptic proportions. These boys were featured on The Sartorialist (link's in the blogroll, bitches), and from the likes of it, based on their keen and respectable senses of style, they discovered early on that they would have to make up for their looks with their clothing.

But even the best matched shirt-jacket combination can't hide what's happening on those mugs. Those peanut heads are the first problem, but really it isn't over the top until the eyes come into play. Those are simply dangerous. They scream former, and possibly current, drug addict. They could be packing a gram in each of the bags under their eyes. Hmm, that's convenient.... I'll take note of that for later.

And the pimple on the left hand twin's giant chrome dome does him no justice. At all.

At least they put on lotion. I hate ashy bastards.

The Great Ones - MJ and FF

You will always been the King of Pop, nose or not. We will miss you and your music sorely. RIP.

Farrah, your beauty, smile, and on-screen grace are iconic. You are unforgettable. RIP.

How does the world lose two great stars? Why can't some of the ugliness die, instead of this greatness? Ugh. Devastating.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The War Against Perez Hilton - Ugliness Personified

Even if you were relatively attractive, I would still be waging war against your hypocrisy, Perez! It defeats the purpose of everything on the planet when a gay person uses the word "faggot" as an insult! DUH! WTF! This just pisses me off.

It just so happens that you are ugly as well. And overweight. Gross. So, in essence, I really have no qualms for not liking you. Besides, Will.I.Am is so talented! Apparently, he's got that Boom Boom Pow. What do you have, Perez? A pink website where you circle people's vags like John Madden? Great talent.

I know you put out an apology on your site, but even so, it's a bit ridiculous to think that you did it in the first place. I know the lowdown dirty truth about you. Your real name is Mario, you're 31, and you have manboobs that you accentuate with suspenders. It's appalling.

You've met your match, you freak.

Change for the Worst- Mickey Rourke

Mickey, how do you let something like this happen? Did you look at yourself in the mirror one day and say, I wish I looked like Donatella Versace? People call her beastly, you know that right? You shouldn't aspire to look like anyone who's lips take up more than 50% of her face.

Your skin has been cut open and re-layered so many times that the hair follicles are your face have ceased to exist. It's as smooth and greasy as a baby's bottom, which is highly disturbing for a middle-aged man. And it seems that you are also suffering from the highly contagious melanoma tan.

Seems the only thing that hasn't changed about your face, Mickey, is that right eye of yours: it's still as droopy as ever.

Everyone should go see "The Wrestler"!


Oh, what the fuck, Kate Whoeverthefuckyouarebecauseyoudontreallymattersinceyoure-arealitytvstaronthelearningchannel? Why do we have to deal with you? And your nasty, fat ass?

Most importantly, why do we have to sit around and watch you harass and abuse this child, Kate? This is intolerable! He will have to see that debacle of a derriere sagging from your coccyx as soon as you turn around! Oh, the travesties abound! And your Down Syndrome-baby douchebag husband sucks too!

Parents: hide the children.