Monday, June 29, 2009

Alert: Life Size Tranny Blow Doll

His/her/its name is Orit Fux. That's right, the thing's last name is Fux. And for about $3, a McDonalds coupon, and the promise of never visiting the plastic surgeon who took part in this, you too can enjoy this life-sized endangered creature in your backyard! It even comes with a leash!

Seriously, Michael K., there is nothing cute about this and you should not be offering to marry it or screw it (not that beastiality is legal). I wonder how many Barbies that thing ripped hair from to make that wig. Or how many recycled milk jugs are pumped into her lips and cheeks. Oh, the mysteries of the world.

Spare us next time, D-Listed? Actually, no, nevermind. Keep this up. It's good material. Hooray for plastic surgery mishaps! Sean and Christian would never stand for this (Nip/Tuck joke...).

Parents: hide the children.

In Your Face, Perez (Literally)

perez hilton

Yay! Polo, the manager for the Black Eyed Peas, can look at his knuckles, bruised and covered in Perez Hilton's face fat, and be proud of what he has done. Perez's eye is not healing so nicely after all, meaning he has to walk around and deal with that same question over and over again: "Dude, what the fuck happened to you face? *gag*". Keep your mouth shut next time.

BET Awards Fugly Red Carpet Special

We all knew that this was going to be inevitable. It's time to round up the ugliest looks, and the ugliest people, of the BET Awards show from last night. Here we go!

Lil Mama - What the fuck are you doing? When are ghetto girls going to realize that black and brown don't match, especially when mixed with cheap, stiff, Yaki weave from the corner store? Earth to Lil Mama: if your hair needs to be glued on, find another option. And I know they call it a clutch, but you've got a mean ass grip on that thing. Don't see you fitting much in there without crushing it. Damn, if you need to grab something, find a dick! Maybe JC Chasez, since you are always up on that shit during America's Best Dance Crew. Now stand up straight before you roll your ankle.

LeToya - Spiderwebs and ripped up fabrics from your linen closet do not constitute a red carpet outfit. And those visual illusion heels are giving me a headache. Can't you see it's sunny outside!? I can see your baby fat leaking out of the various slits in that dress. Reminds me of a half-open can of biscuits.

Tyra Skanks - Ahoy Mateys! Did you get dressed up for a pirate convention? You are lazy, too: you didn't even take the time to finish tying that giant-ass bowtie. And you have a camel toe. Plus, those cheap nylon pants are screaming for mercy as they are unnaturally stretched around your thunder thighs. You are a pretty, but fuller figured, woman, Tyra: stop punishing inelastic materials.

Jeremy Piven - You aren't really dressed poorly, it's just that you're white. I don't have a problem with white people going to the BET Awards, I just don't see why they would ever want to.

Toccara - The sagginess I observe makes me think you are wearing a push-down bra. Those things are almost as close to the ground as your modeling career. Furthermore, there are all kinds of lumps and tumors and whatnot trying to escape your pants legs! I can see them struggling, and no matter how much you smile, you know you need to give them some room to breathe, because it's hurting you too.

Chamillionaire - I thought we moved past Mean Mugging as an acceptable pose. I doubt anyone remembers "Ridin' Dirty", which is the only reason you are famous (and therefore was invited to sit in the back row at this awards show), which is why I am surprised you weren't arrested as soon as you hopped out of your Houston-bred pick up truck. Take off the Timex watch and the plastic bear necklaces, which I'm certain I can buy at a vending machine outside a bodega near my house.

Shocker Khan - The ropes of weave hanging by threads and cheap glue from your bare skull are about ready to call it quits, and for good reason. Why stick around, trying to make you look good, when you are going to wear Amy Lee-inspired drag queen ensembles to award shows? And, for the love of God, please push your titties back together; they are running off in different directions.

Ray Gay - I am simply surprised to hear that the money you made off of your sucky VH1 show, "For the Love of Ray J", wasn't enough for you to be able to afford a suit that fits. Instead you opted for your father's church suit, complete with ballooning Hammer pants and the shiniest shoes that "Lawd Jayzus" ever created.

Soulja Boy - You are the definition of tacky. The Gucci seatbelt wrapped around your mid-thighs (since we all know you weren't wearing your pants around your waist like a normal person). The two "Bling for Babys" watches made out of real rock candy. The starter stud cubic zirconium earrings. The various Mr. T rings on your bony fingers. The grandfather clock pendulum hanging from your scrawny neck. This is just a complete mess, as your performance on a bed was. If your ability to repeat mundane statements with that annoying voice of yours wasn't secretly fun to dance to, I'd throw you into the middle of Peachtree Street and let mid-day traffic handle its business.

And what the fuck is up with that MJ tribute T-Shirt? As far as I'm concerned, Michael Jackson was never in "The Lion King" or "Cats".

Ne-Yo - Velour track jacket? Kangol hat? You are not LL Cool J! And even he wouldn't try to pull this off now. And those coke bottle glasses must be hurting your eyes.

Mario - Ew. Milk Dud heads are not attractive. Neither is your guido skintight polo, which undoubtedly you picked up from the Ciao! sale at Armani Exchange. Grow some hair and some common sense.

Alicia Keys: BEST DRESSED BEAUTY! This is absolutely gorgeous, but what else would one expect from this queen? And she won the Humanitarian Award! Thank God someone didn't show up to the only Black music awards special on television looking like a Hot Ghetto Mess.

BET's red carpet was about as empowering for black people as a minstrel show. Negros are still making shames of themselves. :( But without them, I would have nothing to write about!

God Bless America!

Alert: Make Your Asshole Happy Today!

Get the "Comfort Wipe"!

This is hysterical, and part of me wants to purchase one. Hey if the fat guy at 0:39 is pleased, I bet I will be too!

Fail Blog Strikes Again!

fail owned pwned pictures

The real problem here is that police think it's acceptable to roll around in a Coupe DeVille. If you can get past that, then you may begin criticizing the limo. I can't quite get to that point though.

Gary Busey is Losing Control Of His Face


Old men these days. Gary Busey is working the Hunchback of Notre Dame face pretty well. Something tells me that you can't achieve an expression like that without having had a stroke. Kudos to him!

He once told someone that he was going to "rip your Endocrine system out of your body". Oh, the thought just makes me hot! Does anyone else want to see Gary Busey's drugged up ass attempt to rip lymph nodes out of a corpse? Maybe it's just me, but I think it would get like 6,000,000 hits on YouTube.