Thursday, June 25, 2009

The War Against Perez Hilton - Ugliness Personified

Even if you were relatively attractive, I would still be waging war against your hypocrisy, Perez! It defeats the purpose of everything on the planet when a gay person uses the word "faggot" as an insult! DUH! WTF! This just pisses me off.

It just so happens that you are ugly as well. And overweight. Gross. So, in essence, I really have no qualms for not liking you. Besides, Will.I.Am is so talented! Apparently, he's got that Boom Boom Pow. What do you have, Perez? A pink website where you circle people's vags like John Madden? Great talent.

I know you put out an apology on your site, but even so, it's a bit ridiculous to think that you did it in the first place. I know the lowdown dirty truth about you. Your real name is Mario, you're 31, and you have manboobs that you accentuate with suspenders. It's appalling.

You've met your match, you freak.

Change for the Worst- Mickey Rourke

Mickey, how do you let something like this happen? Did you look at yourself in the mirror one day and say, I wish I looked like Donatella Versace? People call her beastly, you know that right? You shouldn't aspire to look like anyone who's lips take up more than 50% of her face.

Your skin has been cut open and re-layered so many times that the hair follicles are your face have ceased to exist. It's as smooth and greasy as a baby's bottom, which is highly disturbing for a middle-aged man. And it seems that you are also suffering from the highly contagious melanoma tan.

Seems the only thing that hasn't changed about your face, Mickey, is that right eye of yours: it's still as droopy as ever.

Everyone should go see "The Wrestler"!


Oh, what the fuck, Kate Whoeverthefuckyouarebecauseyoudontreallymattersinceyoure-arealitytvstaronthelearningchannel? Why do we have to deal with you? And your nasty, fat ass?

Most importantly, why do we have to sit around and watch you harass and abuse this child, Kate? This is intolerable! He will have to see that debacle of a derriere sagging from your coccyx as soon as you turn around! Oh, the travesties abound! And your Down Syndrome-baby douchebag husband sucks too!

Parents: hide the children.

Oh Lawd, A Demon Child!

Seriously, Marilyn Manson? This is just fucking disgusting. Your newly found double chin is stretching your face tats out of proportion. And your sausage fingers are being asphyxiated in those pleather gloves. Why do you do this to us?

Marilyn Manson is officially an overweight, menopausal woman, it now seems. It's appalling. And with your mouth wide open to reveal your saber-teeth and that lustful, gluttonous look you've got in your eyes, I feel so, so sorry for whatever it is that you are staring at. Just as well, your eyebrows are growing into your eye corners. You might want to get that checked out. Unless you like it that way.

Parents: hide the children.

BJ King

Oh, no, it's just what I feared. Burger King is offering it's latest creation: the Oral Fixation Burger. Honestly, if seeing this picture doesn't make you think of 70s porn, you are too innocent for your own good. This oddly reminded me of the music video for "Baby Got Back", where Sir Mix-A-Lot decided he might make all kinds of ass and phallus shaped foods inflate and shake.

I'm sorry, but the fact that BJ King calls it a 7 incher, insinuates that they want someone to shove the whole thing right down her pretty little blowdoll throat without chewing, and suggests that she wash it out of her esophagus with fat fries and Coke, simply proves that sex sells.

It's only a matter of time before THE Burger King is sticking his tongue into the latest Meat Flaps happy meal.

God Bless America!

Requiem for a Dream

Goddammit, Jonathan Rhys Meyers! Close your fucking eyes! Your stare is creeping me out. And your pupils are so dilated I can see your brain. You must be tripping major balls to be tweaked out like that at a red carpet event. Maybe you've just been out in the sun for too long; it fucks with your head, you know? It also causes that uneven tan exhibited on your face.

While you are getting rid of your melanoma, please also shave that prickly forest from your mouth area. My palms would bleed if they ran across your lips.

Please blink.

Makes Me Hungry

Look at this woman, people! Her name is Lahoma Sue Smith. And she fucks for chips! She has a ghetto-ass name, a busted face, and she slept with a guy in her car for a $30 box of Frito Lay Chips. This is all types of disgusting, but I admire her bravery and her creativity. Who needs money when we can have chips! Makes me want eat a bagful right now.

God Bless America!