Monday, November 9, 2009

Yay: Sammy Sosa Does NOT Have Vitiligo. He Just Wants To Be White. *Phew*

Well, this is very relieving. Turns out that all the buzz about Sammy Sosa's lightened pigmentation is not such a big deal after all. His family and colleagues say that the lighter complexion is simply associated with bad lighting when the photo was taken. According to them, the retired baseball player was bitching about how old he was getting (he's 40 now) and decided to take a "skin rejuvenation" process. ...Right. It's called skin whitining, and black bitches have been doing it for years now. I don't know what happened to Sammy's though. I guess the nigra-color removers had adverse effects when mixed with the anabolic steroids oozing out of Sosa's pores, because the bitch doesn't look white. He just looks ashy, or simply terrified, like someone told him that they're naming a wing of the Hall of Fame for steroid users after him. Not that it wouldn't be appropriate.

Better yet, Sosa looks like he just came back from retirement the dead (same thing in the eyes of America). Have you ever seen any of those George A. Romero movies? Dawn of the Dead? Day of the Dead? Dead of the Dead? (Sometimes I think they are all the same....) Yeah, Sosa could def be the ringleader of all of them zombie fuckers. It would work out perfectly because he has way too many performance-enhancing drugs in him to be considered a sentient being, but boy is that buff motherfucker still kicking!

In the end, Sammy Sosa would've gotten a post on this blog at one point or another, though. When you look like that, you can consider Recent. Ugliness. your new home.

And we are oh-so-glad to welcome you.


K-Fed has been spending his back-owed child support money on Fat Macs, it would appear. Seems like big-ass t-shirts are the only things that fit this once-talented back-up dancer. Who is the bitch next to him? Is she responsible for showing him where his dick is? Cuz you know he can't find that shit anymore it's so damn deep in there. Can't blame the dick though: it's getting cold and you might as well retreat into the warmth of warring adipose that makes up K-Fed's FUPA.

Who else would've loved seeing K-Fat on that Oxygen network show, "Get Up and Dance Your Fat Ass Off, You Fat Ass" "Dance Your Ass Off"? That would've been to die for. Well other than a heart attack... at this rate, that's what K-Fed will die for.

PS: In great proof that hickness cannot be phased out, K-Fed wore a symbol of his trailer trash tribulations with Britney: camo sneakers. How low can one get? And I know those sneakers are screaming for dear mercy as K-Fed's gorilla feet squeeze all the air out of them. I can hear it now... "Help! Help! Oh, lord... shit, just kill me now. OW! Just do it."

Yes, that was a slogan pun.