Monday, October 26, 2009

Mindfuck: The Shallow End of the Cyrus Gene Pool

What in the fuck is this? Apparently, Miley Cyrus had a bulimic fit and threw this up, then washed down some Vicodin with a Colt 45. Actually, no, this is simply Miley's younger sister, Noah Cyrus, at a Halloween party. I heard the party's theme was "What Your Older Sister Will Look Like in 3 Years", so this is pretty fucking accurate. If Dakota Fanning got socked in the face by Chris Brown, she would resemble this pretty little thang.

OK, yes, she's only 9. Yes, her teeth are like that because kids her age rarely have straight teeth. Yes, she looks like a cracked-out slut her sister. And yes, I do feel a little bad making fun of her. But, let's be real, Lil' NoNo (just made that up, thank you very much), it was only a matter of time before People magazine had you on their Worst Dressed List. If you wanna remedy the situation, my best advice to you would be take off the trailer trash make-up...unless you want everyone to know what you would've looked like had you and your father not wired money from your sister's bank account to pay your bills.

Strong Enough for a Man, but not for Marc Anthony

I'm sorry, Marc, did you sit in a steam room before your red carpet appearance? Was J. Lo tickling your anal fissure and getting you all hot and bothered in the limo? No? So you mean to tell me that you have no excuse for those Great Lakes forming around your pits? Oh.

Marc Anthony is seen here with his cougar of a wife in Miami, apparently taking the global water deficit problem into his own hands. Does he expect all the third world kiddies to suckle from his pit fountains? I can't imagine it being much fresher than the stagnant sewer water creating moats around their shacks (I'm not making fun of them!!!!). Hmm, could be a good idea, though. I won't trust it until J. Lo takes a golden shower in it first.

In the meantime, could someone run to CVS and get this dude a stick of Degree? It's just so much inexplicable fucking sweat. It's like his shirt felt peer pressure and started sweating too.