Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Mindfuck: The Definition of Coochie Cutters (NSFW)

So, class, here's the pop quiz question of the day: What part of Pam Anderson's gelatinous meat flaps isn't struggling to stay muzzled by her Baywatch slutsuit? I can hear her labia majora screaming for dear mercy, begging to surrender. If you look really closely, I think her taint is waving a white flag. It's official folks: her junk can't take too much more of this.s

Pam, that Ronald McDonald mask is pretty freaking, but for the record, I think people would rather see the lips you had surgically enhanced. Wait... no, that doesn't differentiate the two. Hmm... this one's hard. The point, bitch, is that if you're desire was the scare the shit out of people, you could've just projected a picture of your cougar slice onto the wall. The only way things could get anymore terrifying is if she walked out on her hands... who knows where her parts would have slide by the end of the runway? *Sighs*... gravity just can't be tricked, huh?

Ralph Lauren to Normal Women: Lose Weight.

Uh oh, boys and girls. Either Ralph Lauren is letting the freshman computer science class at DeVry photoshop his ads, or he did this with malicious intent. Ralph Lauren, you are making an emphatic statement with these ridiculously photoshopped ads: "being thin is not enough. The new it thing is to be invisible. Like, nonexistent. Yes, nonexistent, like how you feel when you walk into a room and no one pays attention to you because you are too fat. Oh, and by the way, if you are fat, you don't even qualify as human anymore."

Tough luck, ladies. Losing all that baby fat, woman fat, fat needed to keep you alive, vitals organs located in the torso etc. etc. is probably going to be a bitch. But if you can pull it off without vomiting your own pancreas, congrats! You'll be able to fit into Ralph Lauren's Spring/Summer 2010 collection.

What did Krusty Karl Lagerfeld, the man who saved Chanel, have to say about this depiction of "a beautiful woman"?

Something along the lines of: "She's still too fat. And not as pretty as me. Baptiste, fan me down and hold back my hair while I purge." Of course, Krusty, of course.

New Tag: "Please Stop Eating".

PS: for all of you who don't know who Karl Lagerfeld's sex slave modeling apprentice is, here he is with Krusty. You can sort of see the leash peaking out of his shirt.

Have You Ever Heard of a Comb?

Seriously, guys, it's getting frustrating at this point. Has anyone seen my scarecrow LaToya Jackson?

I mean, seriously, LaToya... come on. What I'm about to say might be too soon for some, but I just have to get it out there. Ahem... be ready... ok.

Dear LaToya,

Trying to look like Michael Jackson won't make him come back. Please find other ways to cope that the public doesn't run in fits of terror away from.


But on a serious note, LaToya, you better do something with that weave of yours. It's getting ridiculous. Anymore split ends and Tyra is gonna rip it off and wear it on her show. Nobody wants that to happen.


And the Award for Most Likely to Die of Old Age Soon Goes To...

...Lindsay Lohan! Congrats, crackwhore. I swear, I don't know who does your make-up, where you get your crack, or where you tan, but GOODNESS SAKES! You look more mature than you ever have before! You beat Donatella Versace at her own game (have you ever played this game before? It's called "Let's Be Beastly". Donatella's a natural.).

But the most important experience you ever got from this transformation (she's only halfway done... she plans on looking like LaToya Jackson by February) is the sickly gold-orange hue everything from your scalp to your axe wound has taken on. Yum... skin cancer never looked so *posh*.

PS: New tag, just you, Lohan - Greatest Hits: Lindsay Gone Wrong.

Just When You Thought We As a Black Community Had Given Up on Blond Updos...

RiRi makes yet another triumphant return with her most ridiculous looking cut yet. Bitch, why is your hair 5 inches away from your head? It's not a fro... so why the fuck is it so damn high? I don't understand. I really don't.

Honestly, this is really disappointing for me, because just when I thought black people had moved away from nasty weave like this (other than Tyra... her weave is on a whole different planet. PS: did anyone hear about Tyra's live colonic on her talk show? Sorry, Tyra, but I have no interest in seeing the various lipids being stored in your gas chamber. Kudos on being brave enough to show everyone what ended your modeling career, though.), big ass bling-bling, ugly ass make-up, UGLY ASS ROOTS, and ashiness (or skin whitener. I can't really tell which one.), RiRi brings her colorful Caribbean-ass back up to the Americas. Unacceptable.

And the barbed wire bondage she's showing off on the cover of her new single, entitled "Russian Roulette", is simply disgusting. I can't really blame her, though... it was probably Chris Brown's idea, and you know after he bit her (and she liked it, even though she told the police she didn't), she had to take the kinkiness to the next level. Justin Timberlake will not be able to handle all this fucked up BDSM-type shit she's toting around. Talk about baggage.


Parents: Hide the Children.

Stop Acting Like You Like It!

Us: Oh, yeah, Adam Lambert, you're so totally interested in whatever is between that beautiful woman's legs. Oh, yeah, you just love it, don't you?

Adam: Yes, I fucking love--umm, what you guys call it again? Va... va...?

Us: Vagina?

Adam: Oh, yeah... I guess.

(Little did we know that the "model" he was groping was actually a post-op transexual. That's right! Flown straight in from Thailand. We got it for a good price, too.)

But seriously, Adam Lambert, you couldn't possibly think that people might not view you as a flaming homosexual glam rock outcast who was runner-up on American Idol and hit notes higher than Whitney before she covered her bronchi in crack soot simply because you were seen on or around some lady parts, right?

Hint, hint, Adam: if you're looking for a penis, you'll never find one. Don't look down your pants, either... That one shriveled up in misery when Kris Allen won.

I'm Back...




And, of course...

Recent. Ugliness.

Step your bookmark game up.