Thursday, December 17, 2009

Whatever Happened to that Good Ole Fashioned Pancake Booty?



I'll tell you what happened to it: CoCo stole it from every woman in the world and had it surgically inserted into her already abnormally large ass to create this inhuman form living on her coccyx. This ass is humongous! I don't know how to else to say it... but I'll make an attempt to say in a few other ways, just for your entertainment:

CoCo's G-string might be out of tune.
CoCo's thong ain't hanging on for long.
If you ever eat CoCo out, make sure she is laying down. Otherwise, prepare to die.
I think I can hear CoCo's spandex screaming "I Quit".
CoCo's spandex were red when she bought them.
I'm serving Christmas dinner on CoCo's ass.
I'm serving a tennis ball on CoCo's ass.
I'm serving CoCo's ass on a platter to feed a third of the world.
I'm gonna chop off CoCo's ass and make a coat out of it. She can grow another one. It probably just regenerates.
CoCo actually has that weight machine connected to her ass cheeks. Feel the burn!
CoCo wears heels because if she wore flats her knees would be blown right off of her body.
CoCo wears heels because they keep her ass from dragging on the sidewalk.

OK, I'll stop. But you get the jist. Ice T, CoCo's Law and Order: SVU-starring husband, must have an interesting sex life.

And a big ass pothole in his mattress.


Parents: Hide the Children.

Alert: Ni-coke Kidman.





Now I know that people are always looking for new ways to try drugs and make them activate more quickly and whatnot, but didn't Nicole know that rubbing it all over your face and into your corneas is not necessarily the safest method of cocaine consumption? Now we don't care what you experiment with in your own home, Kidman (it's true, we have no interest in your collection of painkillers and vibrators...), but when you bring it out in public for everyone to see, well then gosh darn it! It's time for an intervention.

Who did you think you were fooling donning that luxurious gown as a way to distract onlookers from the fact that coke is slowly getting into your eyes? Do us all a favor, Nicole: next time you wanna go Tony Montana on a fresh kilo, make sure Lindsay's around to snort the remnants off your cheekbones. Then everyone will be happy.

Sharing is caring!

New Tag: Wash Your Face.

If This is the Best We Can Do, We're All Fucked.




In case you didn't know, and you needed a stereotypically jolly black lady with her interracial, minimum-wage earning back-up singers to make up an entire song and sing it for you, AIDS is bad and kills a lot of people!

Now I don't know about you, but if curing AIDS is what it will take to get people to stop doing stupid shit like this, then count me in. I wasn't feeling the whole "AIDS kills millions of people each year" shtick, but this bitch is cuckoo and she needs to be stopped. Fix the damn AIDS already, you bastards! We know you guys discovered the cure a long time ago and that you've been waiting for AIDS to kill off RuPaul and Adam Lambert before releasing it. But the world would be a much better place without these women singing along. As for RuPaul and Adam Lambert... they'll get theirs in due time.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Shake that Ass, Katie!







Oh, how wondrous weddings really are. It's always a delight when, far after the rings have been placed on each other's fingers, the broom has been hopped, and the church has been abandoned, we all take on a little past time valued far above most: getting fucked up and dancing by oneself. It's wonderful, enjoyable, and expected.

Unfortunately, when you are arguably the most successful television journalist today, you sort of give up the right to do ridiculous shit like this... at least when cameras are around. Well 52-year-old Katie Couric decided to say "fuck looking presentable, I needsta shake my ass". And boy did she shake... on literally anyone she could find... including the cameraman, it would appear. (If seeing that last pic coming at you through your camera lens doesn't scare you off... you've got some serious nuts.)

You wanted a cougar? She's all yours.

Pur.

CouricKatie.preview.jpg


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Mindfuck: Behemoth.








Meet the largest swimsuit model on earth. Her name is Amazon Eve (how primitive), and she is a whopping 6'8". Ew.

Well, I am not going to lie, she is a pretty woman, and if she were say, a foot shorter than her huge monkey ass is, she would probably be fierce as shit. But instead, we are left with this. Now I am not going to say she is ugly, I am just going to simply posit that it might be possible that she is not the most attractive person in the world.

When I first saw these pictures, a few things popped into my head. The first was: wow, people are getting really good at photoshopping freaky ass shit like monster people. The second was: maybe it's a real picture, and that barbaric looking woman is really a man. Hell, it might even be Dennis Rodman under a few layers. But then I realized... this is a woman. A real woman. Who actually exists.

WTF. This Amazon warrior has another full human being just lounging on her back like it's a beach chair. Doesn't it concern anyone that this woman could bodyslam you through the floor, then go to the basement and bodyslam you into the sewer? Hmmm... come to think of it, I could use a bodyguard... I would love to see a jackass try to get tough when this bitch is backing me up. The truth of the matter is: the only thing scarier than a big ass monkey dude is a big ass monkey girl. Case closed.

But to be completely honest, the only reason I would be pissed is because I'd have to smell her Amazonian jungle slice if we stood "face-to-face", and that shit probably smells like durian. No one wants that.

Parents: hide the children.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Alert: Dead Wrong. Literally.



Now, I have seen some fucked up things in my life as well as the fake life I lead on the internet (you do it too, so don't judge), but this shit takes the cake by far. This was shown to me by a friend named Malik, and boy, is it offensive, disgusting, horrifying, and downright ugly.

As if black people needed another set back in the movement toward proving that we are a competent, useful race of human beings, these 10-16 year olds decided to undo Rosa Parks's work and shake their underdeveloped (or in the case of a few, shockingly overdeveloped) asses over peoples graves. What kinda ignorant country shit is this? And why, despite it all being way too horrible, do I laugh hysterically everytime the beat kicks in?

One bitch is galloping, one bitch is shaking her legs hoping the energy waves travel to her non-existent ass cheeks, one bitch just turned 10, and one bitch is a dude. When you figure out which one it is, you'll probably gasp. If you do, retweet this post or some shit and show me some love.

And when they start laying down on the graves... well, you'll just have to see for yourself. Thank the heavens that our nation allows us access to videos like this.

God Bless America!

Parents: Hide the Children.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Mindfuck: This Isn't Just Ugly, It's Scary, Pathetic, Deluded, and Downright Sloppy.



Welcome to the Hatred edition of Recent. Ugliness. Take a look at this documentary. Try not to barf, laugh, scoff, get angry, have a stroke, etc. within the first five minutes. If that hasn't fucked your mind into a million tiny pieces, set aside some time to watch this documentary from BBC on the inner workings of the Westboro Baptist Church.

There isn't much I can say about this without getting vehemently upset, but I don't think there is a better modern example of how one man can brainwash his family into justifying hatred AND being shocked when the hatred is redirected back at them. It's stunning, but definitely worth watching.

Sorry to not be funny and really poop on what could've been a great day for you, but I felt this is something that everyone should see.

Shit is pathetic.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Tip of the Day: And You Guys Thought I Was Mean...

Picture of manboobYou're never too young for a mustache!Those brazilians really know how to cook a mustache

If looking at these manboobs or female mustaches makes you feel happy that you are still aesthically pleasing, then do yourself a favor and visit marvelousmanboobs.com and womenwithmoustaches.com. It's the best thing you can do for yourself at this point in time, to be honest with you.

Parents: Hide the Children.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Alert: This Shit is Just Messy.



Here is a special contribution from a friend named Eva. Pay close attention to how many times Kate Bush looks like she is simply about to give up halfway through her choreography... yet she reluctantly musters on through her shrill, wide-eyed tirade.

My biggest pet peeves are when she stumbles through her spins as if she dropped a small item and is frantically searching for it... before she gives up and continues her shrill, wide-eyed tirade, of course. Also, when the bitch simply won't go away at the end, and just stands there, appearing and reappearing while frantically swaying in the wind like she just caught the holy ghost, that shit really ticks me off. Like Eva said, we know that with the budget this cheap-ass video was made on, all Kate Bush did was sway, step back, sway, step back, etc. They plugged the video into Microsoft Porthole (it was a long time ago...) and used Paint to erase her backstepping. The result is this.

Oh, the 80s. How dear you are to us all.

God Bless America!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Yay: Sammy Sosa Does NOT Have Vitiligo. He Just Wants To Be White. *Phew*



Well, this is very relieving. Turns out that all the buzz about Sammy Sosa's lightened pigmentation is not such a big deal after all. His family and colleagues say that the lighter complexion is simply associated with bad lighting when the photo was taken. According to them, the retired baseball player was bitching about how old he was getting (he's 40 now) and decided to take a "skin rejuvenation" process. ...Right. It's called skin whitining, and black bitches have been doing it for years now. I don't know what happened to Sammy's though. I guess the nigra-color removers had adverse effects when mixed with the anabolic steroids oozing out of Sosa's pores, because the bitch doesn't look white. He just looks ashy, or simply terrified, like someone told him that they're naming a wing of the Hall of Fame for steroid users after him. Not that it wouldn't be appropriate.

Better yet, Sosa looks like he just came back from retirement the dead (same thing in the eyes of America). Have you ever seen any of those George A. Romero movies? Dawn of the Dead? Day of the Dead? Dead of the Dead? (Sometimes I think they are all the same....) Yeah, Sosa could def be the ringleader of all of them zombie fuckers. It would work out perfectly because he has way too many performance-enhancing drugs in him to be considered a sentient being, but boy is that buff motherfucker still kicking!

In the end, Sammy Sosa would've gotten a post on this blog at one point or another, though. When you look like that, you can consider Recent. Ugliness. your new home.

And we are oh-so-glad to welcome you.

JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE FAT.



K-Fed has been spending his back-owed child support money on Fat Macs, it would appear. Seems like big-ass t-shirts are the only things that fit this once-talented back-up dancer. Who is the bitch next to him? Is she responsible for showing him where his dick is? Cuz you know he can't find that shit anymore it's so damn deep in there. Can't blame the dick though: it's getting cold and you might as well retreat into the warmth of warring adipose that makes up K-Fed's FUPA.

Who else would've loved seeing K-Fat on that Oxygen network show, "Get Up and Dance Your Fat Ass Off, You Fat Ass" "Dance Your Ass Off"? That would've been to die for. Well other than a heart attack... at this rate, that's what K-Fed will die for.

PS: In great proof that hickness cannot be phased out, K-Fed wore a symbol of his trailer trash tribulations with Britney: camo sneakers. How low can one get? And I know those sneakers are screaming for dear mercy as K-Fed's gorilla feet squeeze all the air out of them. I can hear it now... "Help! Help! Oh, lord... shit, just kill me now. OW! Just do it."

Yes, that was a slogan pun.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

BITCH SHOULDA CAME TO MY SCHOOL!!!

Emma Watson drinking

Emma Watson drinking

I knew it! I knew Emma Watson was a Mexican party girl at heart, guzzling her Coronas for the camera. Some people say she was simply posing with a beer, but a) that's stupid because she knows how much shit her coked-up publicist would give her for that, and b) bitch likes to get crunk like every other college person. She should've come to Columbia, instead going to that hippie school up in Providence, RI. I don't think she can handle the perpetual weed smog cloud that hangs over College Hill over there. She could've been getting buck in the middle of Broadway if the bitch had even a tad more common sense. What a shame.

Parents: hide the children before they figure out that Hermoine likes her BAC to teeter past legal.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Mindfuck: Craigslist Will Be the Death of You.

What he wrote:

-Dark chocolate complexion
-Tall, athletic stature
-Bedroom eyes
-Luscious, kissable lips
-Unique, attractive style
-Defined bone structure
-Aspiring model

What you saw through your peephole:



There's nothing quite like online dating.

God Bless America!

Undergut: Evolution.




Scott Speedman apparently didn't get the memo. Just because you have one franchise that seems to go pretty well at the box office doesn't mean that you can give up on your career afterward. Seeing as to how it was your chiseled looks that got you where you are today, I would suggest that you go back to the drawing board and think about how you will go back to eating more Keri Russell (it's been a few years for you both, hasn't it?) and less Roy Rogers. Besides, you look like Robert Buckley (below), and he still has his ab game intact, so don't let that horrendous actor put you on the unemployment line because then your gut will be bloated from emaciation, and since you're not from a third world country, no one will believe you when you say it wasn't your fault.

Not that Americans are apt to help starving people anyway.


http://cdn.buzznet.com/media-cdn/jj1/headlines/2008/04/shirtless-robert-buckley.jpg


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Chris Brown Has Given Up On Being Creative.



Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Chris Brown's cover for his newest album, "Graffiti". This is a hot ass mess. First of all, Chris Brown is mean-mugging a bunch of cartoon characters. He seems so upset, as if the cartoon characters are stealing his shine. And, of course, what does Chris Brown do when he is angry? He grabs the nearest blunt object he can find, calls up his criminal lawyer, and prepares himself for another domestic abuse case. He's used to it by now. 

I find it hysterical that both Breezy and Adam Lambert got lazy and used the same stock photo as their album cover background (see below). They also used the same queen-y, flame-boy-ant shiny silver font for their album names. Where is the creativity, people? And he is wearing Beyonce's robot arm from the Single Ladies video, which is cute on her, but creepy (and possibly a dangerous weapon) on Chris Brown. This is a no-no.

Do you play guitar, Chris Brown? Do you play any instrument other than AutoTune? I don't think so. Hint, hint, Chris: you hold the guitar in front of you when you play it. There. That should make it easier. And you might find it easier to walk in those boots if you actually tied them up. You don't want that glittery font to drip inside your boots, because you know damn well that when you bend over to clean it up your tight ass pants are going to rip and Rihanna's written testimony is going to pop out of your ass where you tried to hide it. 

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Ghey.



Adam Lambert seems to be taking a little too much inspiration from his female counterparts. Word on the street is that his new album name will also be inspired by Rihanna. I think he is calling it "A Good Girl Gone Guy". I mean, really, is that pink lip gloss? Are you Lil Mama? No. Until I see you interrupt a performance by Jay-Z, you should not be wearing lip gloss. Period.

I'm just wondering what the new trend is with musicians rubbing on their faces. Is this something cool? Should we all be trying to get in touch with our temples, eyelids, and other features? Where does it end? Lil Wayne named a mixtape "I Can't Feel My Face", but I don't think he intended on everyone else taking pictures of themselves making sure they still could.

We aren't even going to elaborate on how super duper gay Adam Lambert looks. We are simply going to make a quick statement on the matter, and move on. OK. Here we go.

"FLAMINGNESS OF THIS LEVEL IS ONLY ACCEPTABLE IN OUTER SPACE. HENCE YOUR ALBUM COVER."

Madonna is probably O-Facing with 80s tranny delight right now:

Madonna-the-80s-1353768-567-555.jpg

In the mean time, I would stay away from all three of these people. Madonna's decrepit puss is probably lapping up water from a dog bowl as we speak. Rihanna looks like she's on a mission to go bite Chris Brown back while he's distracted doing community service. And the permanent glitter aura around Adam Lambert is not hypoallergenic. Just warning you.

PS: I am gay and I love the gays so don't worry. The only homophobia here is my fear that Adam Lambert is going to float into my room with a disco ball hovering over him singing "I'm Every Woman". Don't tell me that shit doesn't scare you either.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

It Must Really Be Hard Times....



Wait. No, hold the fuck on! Is this Keyshia Cole, who's been duping inner city women into buying albums with the same song repeated on it 10 times ("Love sucks. You broke my heart. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel better. Actually, no, love sucks."), on the front of a box of hair relaxer?!?!?! What I mean to say is, are you so damn broke that you are willing to put your face on a box of a perm?

Negros, blacks, African Americans, darker types, coloreds, etc. listen up carefully. Just when I thought we as black people had moved past letting our celebrities show how little we as black people have come over the years, I have to see this bullshit! What is going to be next? Will Kanye West be on a bottle of cocoa butter? Will pig feet come with Beyonce on the jar? Will Jay-Z's face be on boxes of Newports? When are we going to realize that as soon as we let something like this happen, the world jumps on it and exacerbates it? This is truly shameful.

Keyshia, how much are they paying you? In fact, are they paying you at all? Or did you trade your face for coupons to the dollar store and a hook-up from the local crack dealer? Because only the latter is acceptable.

This is prime pickings for HotGhettoMess.com.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Mindfuck: The Shallow End of the Cyrus Gene Pool



What in the fuck is this? Apparently, Miley Cyrus had a bulimic fit and threw this up, then washed down some Vicodin with a Colt 45. Actually, no, this is simply Miley's younger sister, Noah Cyrus, at a Halloween party. I heard the party's theme was "What Your Older Sister Will Look Like in 3 Years", so this is pretty fucking accurate. If Dakota Fanning got socked in the face by Chris Brown, she would resemble this pretty little thang.

OK, yes, she's only 9. Yes, her teeth are like that because kids her age rarely have straight teeth. Yes, she looks like a cracked-out slut her sister. And yes, I do feel a little bad making fun of her. But, let's be real, Lil' NoNo (just made that up, thank you very much), it was only a matter of time before People magazine had you on their Worst Dressed List. If you wanna remedy the situation, my best advice to you would be take off the trailer trash make-up...unless you want everyone to know what you would've looked like had you and your father not wired money from your sister's bank account to pay your bills.

Strong Enough for a Man, but not for Marc Anthony



I'm sorry, Marc, did you sit in a steam room before your red carpet appearance? Was J. Lo tickling your anal fissure and getting you all hot and bothered in the limo? No? So you mean to tell me that you have no excuse for those Great Lakes forming around your pits? Oh.

Marc Anthony is seen here with his cougar of a wife in Miami, apparently taking the global water deficit problem into his own hands. Does he expect all the third world kiddies to suckle from his pit fountains? I can't imagine it being much fresher than the stagnant sewer water creating moats around their shacks (I'm not making fun of them!!!!). Hmm, could be a good idea, though. I won't trust it until J. Lo takes a golden shower in it first.

In the meantime, could someone run to CVS and get this dude a stick of Degree? It's just so much inexplicable fucking sweat. It's like his shirt felt peer pressure and started sweating too.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I Didn't Realize It Was Halloween Already...

Kim Kardashian Celebrates Birthday with Family

Well, if it is, Kim Kardashian is, unsurprisingly, all over that shit. And she is coming as a metallic, cheetah-printed strawberry. She must've been going to that "Everyone Wears Their Favorite Condom Flavor Party", but they weren't going to allow her to come with nothing on... or covered in jizz. Kinda sad, really, since that's the only thing she looks comfortable covered in.

Available for Your Children's Birthday Party!



If fucked-up looking cross-dressing basketball players are your forte, then for the last decade and a half, there hasn't been a better person to stare at in disgust and complete wonder than the one and only Dennis Rodman. Seen here preparing to walk for John Galliano's Spring/Summer/Apocalypse 2012 collection, Dennis brings back memories of the birthday clown that didn't smile enough, touched you too often, and made provocatively shaped balloon figures. It creeped you out, huh? He would start folding that balloon, but no matter what, the balloon shape he wanted you to have was "sausage". And while you studied the meaning of such a balloon shape, you felt something slide up your leg....

OK, maybe that's just me.

He still looks fucking disgusting.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Mindfuck: The Definition of Coochie Cutters (NSFW)



So, class, here's the pop quiz question of the day: What part of Pam Anderson's gelatinous meat flaps isn't struggling to stay muzzled by her Baywatch slutsuit? I can hear her labia majora screaming for dear mercy, begging to surrender. If you look really closely, I think her taint is waving a white flag. It's official folks: her junk can't take too much more of this.s

Pam, that Ronald McDonald mask is pretty freaking, but for the record, I think people would rather see the lips you had surgically enhanced. Wait... no, that doesn't differentiate the two. Hmm... this one's hard. The point, bitch, is that if you're desire was the scare the shit out of people, you could've just projected a picture of your cougar slice onto the wall. The only way things could get anymore terrifying is if she walked out on her hands... who knows where her parts would have slide by the end of the runway? *Sighs*... gravity just can't be tricked, huh?

Ralph Lauren to Normal Women: Lose Weight.



Uh oh, boys and girls. Either Ralph Lauren is letting the freshman computer science class at DeVry photoshop his ads, or he did this with malicious intent. Ralph Lauren, you are making an emphatic statement with these ridiculously photoshopped ads: "being thin is not enough. The new it thing is to be invisible. Like, nonexistent. Yes, nonexistent, like how you feel when you walk into a room and no one pays attention to you because you are too fat. Oh, and by the way, if you are fat, you don't even qualify as human anymore."

Tough luck, ladies. Losing all that baby fat, woman fat, fat needed to keep you alive, vitals organs located in the torso etc. etc. is probably going to be a bitch. But if you can pull it off without vomiting your own pancreas, congrats! You'll be able to fit into Ralph Lauren's Spring/Summer 2010 collection.

What did Krusty Karl Lagerfeld, the man who saved Chanel, have to say about this depiction of "a beautiful woman"?



Something along the lines of: "She's still too fat. And not as pretty as me. Baptiste, fan me down and hold back my hair while I purge." Of course, Krusty, of course.

New Tag: "Please Stop Eating".

PS: for all of you who don't know who Karl Lagerfeld's sex slave modeling apprentice is, here he is with Krusty. You can sort of see the leash peaking out of his shirt.

Have You Ever Heard of a Comb?



Seriously, guys, it's getting frustrating at this point. Has anyone seen my scarecrow LaToya Jackson?

I mean, seriously, LaToya... come on. What I'm about to say might be too soon for some, but I just have to get it out there. Ahem... be ready... ok.

Dear LaToya,

Trying to look like Michael Jackson won't make him come back. Please find other ways to cope that the public doesn't run in fits of terror away from.

Thanks.

But on a serious note, LaToya, you better do something with that weave of yours. It's getting ridiculous. Anymore split ends and Tyra is gonna rip it off and wear it on her show. Nobody wants that to happen.

AND WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING?!?! OH, LAWDS, CATCH ME LEST I FAINT.

And the Award for Most Likely to Die of Old Age Soon Goes To...



...Lindsay Lohan! Congrats, crackwhore. I swear, I don't know who does your make-up, where you get your crack, or where you tan, but GOODNESS SAKES! You look more mature than you ever have before! You beat Donatella Versace at her own game (have you ever played this game before? It's called "Let's Be Beastly". Donatella's a natural.).

But the most important experience you ever got from this transformation (she's only halfway done... she plans on looking like LaToya Jackson by February) is the sickly gold-orange hue everything from your scalp to your axe wound has taken on. Yum... skin cancer never looked so *posh*.



PS: New tag, just you, Lohan - Greatest Hits: Lindsay Gone Wrong.

Just When You Thought We As a Black Community Had Given Up on Blond Updos...





RiRi makes yet another triumphant return with her most ridiculous looking cut yet. Bitch, why is your hair 5 inches away from your head? It's not a fro... so why the fuck is it so damn high? I don't understand. I really don't.

Honestly, this is really disappointing for me, because just when I thought black people had moved away from nasty weave like this (other than Tyra... her weave is on a whole different planet. PS: did anyone hear about Tyra's live colonic on her talk show? Sorry, Tyra, but I have no interest in seeing the various lipids being stored in your gas chamber. Kudos on being brave enough to show everyone what ended your modeling career, though.), big ass bling-bling, ugly ass make-up, UGLY ASS ROOTS, and ashiness (or skin whitener. I can't really tell which one.), RiRi brings her colorful Caribbean-ass back up to the Americas. Unacceptable.

And the barbed wire bondage she's showing off on the cover of her new single, entitled "Russian Roulette", is simply disgusting. I can't really blame her, though... it was probably Chris Brown's idea, and you know after he bit her (and she liked it, even though she told the police she didn't), she had to take the kinkiness to the next level. Justin Timberlake will not be able to handle all this fucked up BDSM-type shit she's toting around. Talk about baggage.



AND THE BITCH LOOKS LIKE ALIEN!



Parents: Hide the Children.

Stop Acting Like You Like It!




Us: Oh, yeah, Adam Lambert, you're so totally interested in whatever is between that beautiful woman's legs. Oh, yeah, you just love it, don't you?

Adam: Yes, I fucking love--umm, what you guys call it again? Va... va...?

Us: Vagina?

Adam: Oh, yeah... I guess.

(Little did we know that the "model" he was groping was actually a post-op transexual. That's right! Flown straight in from Thailand. We got it for a good price, too.)

But seriously, Adam Lambert, you couldn't possibly think that people might not view you as a flaming homosexual glam rock outcast who was runner-up on American Idol and hit notes higher than Whitney before she covered her bronchi in crack soot simply because you were seen on or around some lady parts, right?

Hint, hint, Adam: if you're looking for a penis, you'll never find one. Don't look down your pants, either... That one shriveled up in misery when Kris Allen won.

I'm Back...

Twitter.

Facebook.

Tumblr.

And, of course...

Recent. Ugliness.

Step your bookmark game up.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Hiatus....

Until I can get my shit together and start better planning my time while I am here in college, I will be going on an indefinite hiatus. I would rather be consistent then simply drop in every so often, so until I feel I can do that... we will let this blog be. For now.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hot Topic: Gay-for-Pay? Does it really exist?

So I don't know if you are secretly obsessed with ghetto-ass Tyra, her ghetto booty, and her ghetto Emmy Award-winning day time talk show (which apparently isn't edited because this bitch is always stumbling over words and slipping into random fits of ebonics... Tyra we know you're from ghetto ass Inglewood but you're not gonna get Oprah's fan base by recommending which dollar store handbag give you the most bang for your buck+tax. Or by being on the CW.), one of the hottest episodes of this season, as evidenced by the over 500,000 views the corresponding YouTube videos got (isn't it scary that more 500,000 people went out of their way hear crazy-ass Tyra's tyra-ades?), was an episode on straight actors who do gay porn, affectionately referred to as Gay-for-Pay. I've seen this episode twice, and if there is one thing for certain, Tyra and her predominantly ignorant, female, ghetto, and black/latino (I feel like I'm being redundant) audience were not big fans of the people who took time to come on her show. I bet they told all the gay men that usually populate the audience to go invade Maury's studio so a mass orgy wouldn't break out on stage. Or, taking a good look at the size of that monster, on Tyra's forehead ass ego. Anyway, the result of the episode, which you should take a look at below, is Tyra and her femi-nazi hoodrat audience being extremely condescending towards the guys.

So the overarching debate that exists is... IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A STRAIGHT MAN COULD HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN?

Well, let's think. Can a stripper be celibate? Can a straight female stripper dance for women? Can a straight male stripper dance for men? Can a gay man have sex with women? Could a lesbian have sex with a man? Can a straight girl do lesbian porn? Better yet, how many straight girls do lesbian porn? Do you have to feel a physical attraction towards someone in order to have sex with them? I wonder, I wonder....

I like to think of things from a technical point of view. Men get boners for no reason. It's true. Trust me. That being said and commonly known, it is safe to say that man can become erect without having to be specifically turned on by the things they are attracted to. Now, sex feels good. Technically speaking, your dick doesn't know the difference between a girl's throat, a guy's ass or your own hand. As long as it feels good, the dick is happy.

So, keeping the idea of dick-happiness in mind, I don't see how people can say that such a phenomenon as gay-for-pay doesn't exist. I think the big problem is that people need to learn to separate and differentiate between sex, sexual attraction, and emotional attraction. Sex is just something people do, because it feels good and it feels instinctual. If a straight guy can plug an ugly chick and her ugly puss just because he's horny, even though he feels no attraction towards her, he can definitely plug a guy because he's horny, even if he feels no attraction towards him. If a straight girl can fuck around with another girl just to impress a guy, then a straight guy can still get with a dude and be straight... right?

Second of all, the people you have sex with, while often correlated to one's own sexual orientation, is not the be all and end all of one's sexual orientation. If this were true, gay men who live their lives without acting on their homosexual impulses, get married and live their lives as straight, all the while lusting for men, would be considered straight. Would you say that a man who has never been with a man, has a wife and kids, gets to his deathbed and finally says "I've been lying. I'm a gay man." (with an incredibly raspy voice because he's been smoking Kool cigarettes for years, like someone I know... dot dot dot.) has to be straight just because of his actions? Probably not. Now would you say that a gay man who has sex with women for money has to be straight, or at least bi? Of course you wouldn't. So why does then does a straight man who has sex with a man for money have to be gay, or at least bi? One could screw the opposite/same gender all his/her life, and if it's not the gender one feels a sexual attraction and emotional attraction to, that person is simply screwing despite his orientation. How this could not apply to both spectrums of sexual orientation is beyond me.

Scientifically speaking, an innumerable amount of men have reported watching porn, masturbating (or more), and doing other homoerotic things with other guys when they are younger, yet go on to have no real sexual attraction to men in the future. This is scientific fact, so please don't try to negate this with your opinion. This is just another example of how physical pleasure and sexual attraction are often mistaken for one another, instead of being noted as two interconnected things.

Second of all, almost everybody has a price. Doing my "research" (ehem... *blushes while being black so no one can see it*) on the porn business, I have learned the amenities of even an average, or new, gay porn star doing amateur work. These guys get flown out to beautiful parts of the country, namely Miami, LA, and San Francisco, roomed up in some of the best hotels, work for a few days, get paid 1000s of bucks for an onscreen orgasm, and then are flown home. They literally pay for nothing... not even a cab to and from the airport. They work a few hours tops each day then go off to explore the city they were just able to travel to for free. Now I'm not advocating porn, but I think there are a lot more straight guys than one is willing to admit that would be down to do something for a certain price. Straight guys were recently interviewed on the street being asked, "Would you suck a dick for 1500 bucks?" and their replies were "1500 is not enough". NOT ENOUGH? WHAT IS ENOUGH? YOU MEAN THAT FOR ENOUGH MONEY, YOU WOULD CONSIDER IT? How about 5000 bucks, a free ride to San Francisco, and connections to more studios that will pay more and more money? Now a straight guy with no cash, whether he is willing to openly admit it or not, would strongly consider that, even if he didn't act on it. So if a straight guy does it he must be gay, but if a straight guy only considers it, he can still be straight? Interesting.

I think the reason that people think that someone can't have sex with a gender he/she is not attracted to is because straight males make such an effort to assert and enforce their straightness. Most straight guys are absolutely offended when asked if they are gay (as if the "straight" clothes, hair, walk, voice, etc. that they make an effort to show off aren't doing the job), try to avoid anything that seems "gay" (which in itself, is quite illogical), and all around give the impression that homosexuality is so far from what they could ever be. This makes women, and other men, but mostly women, think that no straight man could possibly bring himself to do anything with a man. But listen up, women! What men say and do and what they think are and always will be, two different things. Don't let the macho-ness fool you, because unless they think being gay is a sin or a disease (douches), they probably look at homosexuality in a different light than they say they do. And they probably do it to impress you. How sweet.

Now I'm not saying every straight man in the history of the world would have sex with men for money. Nor am I saying that a certain amount of money is guaranteed to get a straight guy in bed. Or the couch. Or the kitchen. Damn. Anyway. All I am saying is that when you are horny, young, good-looking (and you know it), broke, and looking to get through college or just make ends meet , then being paid thousands to weekend in Miami while getting a BJ (from someone who happens to be a man) suddenly sounds a bit irresistible.

I'm just saying.... For 50 bucks, a bottle of Patron, and some antibacterial mouthwash, I'd probably lick your puss. Does that make me straight?

But only if the price is right.








Is It Just Me, Or is Amber Rose Absolutely Disgusting?




I mean, if this is your forte, then by all means, go for it. Do what you like to do. But in all honesty, there is nothing appealing about milk-dud heads and Thriller contacts. At least not to me. Kanye is all over that shit.

Anyone else have a problem with Amber Rose wearing Xena's chakrams as earrings? Bitch could swing her head while giving head and chop off Kanye West's minuscule nutsack. Then we would all join arm in arm and sing "How could you so nutless?" whenever his music came on.

And while she's emasculating Kanye West more than Kanye West himself did at the VMAs, I hope that chakram whips back and chops off the ugly bitch's head. Or at least her dick-sucking lips, which take up a disproportionate amount of her face.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Best of the '09 VMAs: Kanye West Ruins Taylor Swift's Life and Lady GaGa Ruins Everyone Else's



Kanye West makes his opinion known. And Taylor Swift's ass is dead silent. Like someone just slapped the fuck out of her. Or at least that's a good equivalent. Too bad Kanye didn't win anything all night (which I thought was a bit unfair), because shit would've hit the fan so hard Pink's trapeze-flipping ass would've gotten slapped by a mud pie in mid-air.



By the end of Lady Buttsexxx's "artistic" performance, I was crying. I don't know why, but this is complete rape of the senses. Mindfuck. Alert. You name it. This is very well as ridiculous as it gets. I thought that bitch ahd a quick stroke in mid-air. She was so... still. Very scary. And when she is playing piano, she looks like she's possessed by a epileptic hermaphrodite.


And this, my friends, is why I watch this bizarr-o ass crazy shit every fucking year.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Mindfuck: Lady GaGa Needs to Trim Her GaGa



In what world is this attractive? I take pity for the man, woman, or domesticated animal that finds a pink pube bush attractive. Lady GaGa reinforces one thing: she's disgusting. And a hermy.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sept. 1st Tip of the Day: What Not to Do With Cocoa Butter.

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Well, if you are Steve Harvey, or look like Steve Harvey, or are black and bald... and old, you should not rub it all over your exposed upper body. Actually, your upper body shouldn't be exposed at all. Dear Mr. Gross Moustache Man, this is really not attractive. Who are trying to court? Why do you have your shirt off? Who recommended that you take your shirt off? Why did you bath in Oompa Loompa syrup? Why are you so shiny? Why are you so happy? Why are you here? As you can tell, my questions are both plentiful and unanswered.

So, my tip for today, in mathematical form to celebrate my going back to school ---> spray tan : cocoa butter :: water : oil

Proceed with caution.

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PS: I know it has been a while but it's time to turn over a new leaf. I've made a location change, a surrounding change, and now I'm back on my feet. So no worries: I'll never leave you alone for more than a week ever again.