Saturday, June 27, 2009

Recognizing the Ugliness In Oneself


You can't go and be all critical of others without recognizing the ugliness within oneself. That is why I am saying to the world: I am officially working at McDonalds. I've been struggling with finding something to do all summer, and now that I have an opportunity, no matter how lowly it may be to the class conscious, I am scooping it up and never letting go. Ronald McDonald, I have great news for you: I am on my knees with gratitude for you. Do with me what you will.

It's a hard knock life. And this is the struggle.

Someone Needs A Bra That Fits

Now that you are going on 40 and have baby twins, the only person who want to see your swollen, suckled nipples is your husband Marc Anthony. Keep your boobs to yourself!

Alert: Tame That Mane!

There is nothing cute about Spencer Pratt's untamed mane. Did they just honeymoon in Africa? Only the Sahara could provide you with such beastly features and a perfect tan at the same time!

I suggest you go get a haircut. And some obedience classes so you don't throw a temper tantrum and burst Heidi's implant.

Then again, I hear the Bronx Zoo is looking to rejuvenate it's "Where The Wild Things Are" exhibit. They're in Hollywood, DUH!

I Hate the 90s

I actually love all of the many contributions that this decade brought to America and to the world. But it's success gets overshadowed by things like Janet Jackson's hemp rope weave-a-thon. Sometimes I can't help but be happy that things like this are over.

My condolences go out to the Jackson family.

What In The Fuck?

Thank you to DListed for breaking the news on this bullshit. Who is the inventor for these? I would like you to contact me directly so we can sort this out.

Horrifying. The toe rubbers speak for themselves.

Lady Ga-Gag

There is no denying that Lady GaGa makes music that you can move to. But that is no excuse for walking around looking like a Soul Caliber character. Both her dress and that freaky keyboard monstrosity appear to be arts and crafts projects of third graders from the local Y. I could make that with cardboard and black finger paint. I SELL REAL CHEAP TOO FINEST QUALITY!!

It's OK, Lady. I would be gasping for air too if someone wrapped me tightly in aluminum foil. Put down your origami instruments and your hooker wig and go get some fresh air!