Saturday, August 22, 2009

Fashion Icon My Ass

mobamashorts

I don't care how revolutionary your First Lady style has been for black women all over the world, high rise shorts and running shoes? And you're not even running? Unforgivable.

Heidi Klum had this to say about Mama Obama: "Michelle, Malia, you're both out. Auf Wiedersehen."

You tell 'em, German-chick-who-gets-pregnant-once-a-month-and-then-reverts-to-being-model-stick-then-immediately-after-labor.

GQ Plays MJ

MJGQCOVER

What better way to show tribute to someone? Put that person on the cover of one of the biggest magazines in print. Then, say said tributed person was only special during a specific point in time. Yeah!

I don't have much of an opinion on this. I think it's kinda funny that GQ still has balls enough to say stuff like that to a sensitive American public. Case in point: Jermaine Dupri. He didn't like the title very much at all, and voice his views on his Twitter. But only fools would follow him so he was pretty much talking to himself.

It's the cover of the new Sept. Issue, which is the most famous and popular issue of the magazine, which features a bagillion pages of the Fall Style Manual. So you're probably pretty tacky if you don't go get it.

THIS IS ACTUALLY STEVEN TYLER OF AEROSMITH. COMPLETE MINDFUCK.



*BARFS IN THROAT AND SUFFOCATES FROM IT*

Mindfuck: Does that Pale Chick Next to Tyra Have a Happy Trail?



Tyra is such a catty little whore. She's like "Everyone should embrace their bodies and strip down in public and show the world you are proud". Easy to say when your a tall, skinny modelbitch with quality Yaki weave and a girdle, corset, and slim undies on for good measure.

See, Tyra knows it's not easy to look the best in the picture these days. She's lost her pizazz. Well this bitch isn't going down without a fight. She got a bunch of ugly-ass, NOT-SO-SKINNY women to strip down behind her, look primitive, and make her look great.

Tyra... wins again.

AND ARE THEY PLAYING CATCH WITH TYRA'S WEAVE COLLECTION? SMH.

God Bless America!

Since when is Cellulite Attractive?



Who do I blame for Amber Rose's massive delusions of grandeur? The Hip Hop Community. For years, the black man has relished in the proverbial "Fat Booty", with all its round, chunky goodness. However, the more it's become a sex symbol amongst the minority folk, the less women have been prone to take actually care of their badonks. The result is fatty ass just hanging out. BAM, MUTHAFUCKA! All in your face.

But on a more unacceptable note, Amber Rose's saggy ass titties are covered up by what? An orange string! People! NO! This is not acceptable. Her love handles are starting to make moves in directions opposite her body, her ass is losing an epic battle with gravity, and what does Amber Rose do hide the torment her torso is enduring? She shows that nasty shit off to the world.

Well no thanks, Amber. Go find whatever curtain you ripped that string cutting into your fuck cut from, and try to wrap that shit around at least the lower portion of your fat ass cakes. Show some goddamn mercy. FUCK.

Or you could just have Kanye's massive lips suck the fat right out of you like that laser liposuction Kim Kardashian got on her show. That would be OK, too. And put a bra on too, while your at it. We don't want to see your chest ass, either.


Sunday, August 16, 2009

1,000 Unique Page Views in the Last Few Weeks!

Yay, people, Yay! We are spreading! Slowly, of course, but surely! Keep spreading the word! Tell your friends! Let the whole world know about Recent. Ugliness.

Aaaaaaaaaaand.... while you're at it, play with my Twitter at twitter.com/dmichaelpadilla.

KThanksBye.

I'm Totally 35! Don't I Look It?



Answer to the titular question: no, Victoria Beckham, you do not. You look like Margaret Thatcher. Elizabeth Taylor. The Queen of England a couple of decades ago. What do all of these women have in common? THEY DO NOT LOOK 35!!!!!!!

WTF, Victoria? Why do you look so heinously old and worn the fuck out in this picture? I simply do not understand. For someone who is supposed to be all fashionable, divalicious, and *posh* (BAHAHAHAHAHA PUN PUN PUN PUN), you are just too cougarish today. You should know that neither wrinkles nor the five-head are fashion symbols.

Get your shit together.

Edited thanks to fucking Shannon.

Brooke Hogan Tries to Shit On People, Only to Have People Shit Back On Her.


OK, if talking shit about people who's careers are far superior to your own isn't bad enough, then please read what just one of hundreds of Brooke Haters had to say to her via Twitter:

Brodi_Avalon @BrookeHogan . Remember, you can't spell " Brooke Hogan " without " Broke Ho"

OMFG! Does anyone else think this is ridiculously funny as fuck? Dude sent this straight to her! ON TWITTER! If you've ever played with your Twitter, you know that whenever someone says @displayname, the person who's display name you listed automatically receives the message! That means Brooke started playing with her Twitter and discovered a whole lot of hate! Damn. Gotta love it.

That's what happens when you talk shit.

ALERT: STEWIE IS A HOMOSEXUAL!

Don't believe me? Read quote, straight from the mouth of Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane:

"We had an episode that went all the way to the script phase in which Stewie does come out. It had to do with the harassment he took from other kids at school. He ends up going back in time to prevent a passage in Leviticus from being written: ‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind. It is an abomination.’ But we decided it’s better to keep it vague, which makes more sense because he’s a 1-year-old. Ultimately, Stewie will be gay or a very unhappy repressed heterosexual. It also explains why he’s so hellbent on killing [his mother, Lois] and taking over the world: He has a lot of aggression, which comes from confusion and uncertainty about his orientation."

OH SHIT SONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

Megan Fox Is Making Complete Sense Right Now


It's time for another episode of, "Wait. Did This Bitch Really Just Let That Bullshit Flow Out of Her Mouth?" The answer to the titular question? Yes. She did. Watch.

Parents: Hide the Children.

KK gets KUed



That's right, Kourtney, we know about you. Maybe you should have taken a page from your sister's book. See, here is Khloe Kardashian taking it in her mouth. That's what you should have done. Maybe then you wouldn't have gotted knocked up (KUed).

Despite what Kim might have told you, it's your throat that leads to your stomach, not your uterus. Poor girl. Have fun with Daddy Disick. Or is it Didick? DickSick? DickMakesMeSick? I'm not quite sure.

Is This Jamie Foxx Naked?

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK! I REPEAT NSFW!!!!!! DO NOT SCROLL DOWN WHEN YOUR BOSS, REVEREND, HOMOPHOBIC ROOMMATE, GRANDMOTHER, ETC. IS IN SIGHT!!!!!!

OK, let's discuss this. Is Jamie Foxx really the type of person to take a nude picture of himself at all? We all know that once a person takes a nude picture on his/her phone, it really isn't up to that person whether or not the picture gets around to the public. It's kinda common sense, actually: take nudie, have all of America see nudie, feign embarrassment, repeat. But even if he is the kind of person to do this, is he that buff these days? We all know Jamie is muscular and always have been, but he's never been football player brolic. And even if you make is past that, one major question remains: would a black man of importance in 2009 really consider wearing a du rag? Well, if this really is Jamie Foxx, then shame on you, Jamie! Du Rags are a no-no. That's basic knowledge.

whodisnsfw.jpg

She Lost the Weight... But At What Price?



Here's a recent pic of Mischa Barton, making her 6 millionth appearance on this blog, simply because she can't hold herself together in public. She's been able to keep off the infamous beer chin (See post: Beer Chin), but at what price? She's crack fiending it in public, sucking down the cancer sticks while attempting to keep her greasy hair from being caught aflame. It's a rough life. And that waitress outfit isn't helping anything.

Thank God I made a greatest hits tag for you a long time ago, Beer Chin. It's being put to great use.

Alert: Welcome To The Fiery Pits of Hell



Oh, yeah, baby, we've hit the jackpot. Down Syndrome Baby Gosselin has hit us with the big ones. He's shown us the real reason his wife hates him. The real reason America hates him. It's the pits. The dirty, stinky, funky, nasty, ugly pits, born from the recesses of Down Syndrome hell. How utterly disgusting.

Keep it coming, Jon. You make this toooooooo easy.

Few Creatures Turn Me On Like This Thing Does



Yum. I would love to run my tongue all over her freckly, porous, and bumpy chesticles. And please, bring that brachial gelatin closer to my face! I'm turned on just thinking about it.

But on a more serious note, let's play a game called "How I Know Your Hair Is Fake":

Your eyebrows don't match.
The hair color on top of your hair doesn't match the hair color next to your head.
I can tell clip-on weave when I see it, boo boo. Tell me how you have a small amount of straight hair on top of your head, and tons of curly interlocked weave behind your head!

If you can't tell, I just went on a complete binge of DListed.com. You should do the same.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Just When You Thought She Had Her Shit Together...




Britney is letting herself go in front of the cameras again. While she's not beating up sedans with her umbrella, and she isn't bald (at least not from what we can see), she is looking a bit raggedy. She's the epitome of trailer trash right now, complete with split ends and a brachial artery choker.

Note to all human beings: wearing anything tight around a body part that would swell around it is never a good idea. OK. Glad we got that out of the way.

Is anyone else loving the Asians in the background doing what they do best? Snap away, my fellow Asians, snap, snap away.

Alert/MindFuck: Easily the Most Disgusting Thing I've Ever Seen



The day your tricep is the same size as your bicep, you've worked out more than you ever should have. That is a good self defense mechanism, though. I wish I were able to clothesline people no matter what direction I'm facing.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Kudos to Josh Peck

I took a look back into the deep recesses of time, and noticed that Josh Peck did a nice sweep around from Fat Kid to being even moderately attractive. Congrats to Josh.

josh-peck-4.jpgSays Josh of his tween fan base: “I’m proud to clog up parents’ TiVos.”

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Mischa Barton Claws Hers Dress To Shreds




She's so wild and crazy these days! Little ole Mischa lost the beer chin but gained a really bad feline temper. And her dress took the brunt of the punishment. And then she wore it to display how ferocious she was.

But seriously, this is disgusting. She's kinda pretty again, I guess....

Alert: RUUNNNNNNNN!!!!! CASSIE'S COMING!!!!!!!!

cassie2

Cassie Ventura used to look good. What the fuck happened? Now she just looks like a registered sex offender from Paris. And her new song with Diddy is doody.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, CASSIE!

Keri Hilson Takes A Dip Into a Giant Tub of Vaseline




Damn, Keri! Why are you so damn shiny? I love you, though. She looks good, but I don't understand why she went all out with the cocoa butter.

True Life: My Father is Famous But I Still Deal Meth for Fun

Cameron Douglas

Cameron Douglas, son of legendary actor Michael Douglas, grandson of legendary actor Kirk Douglas, just got busted for attempting to deal meth. Why does this happen? Don't act like you are caught in the struggle. You don't need to make ends meet in any sense of the words.

Dealing meth is never a good look. Just in case anyone reading this was planning to do so.

Fiend



Damn. This is when you know you need to quit smoking. Jack Nicholson is too much.

Fatty Clarkson Eats Reporters for Breakfast



Run, Sam Champion, Run!

Here is Fatty Clarkson showing how much she can fit in her mouth at once for all the New York news watchers. Don't think she is completely ape shit? Scroll down.



She's lost every damn screw.

Alert: White People Spotted At 106 & Park



I wonder where they were trying to go and how they unluckily landed here...

But on a more serious note, Marlon Wayans and might-as-well-be-black actor Channing Tatum dragged their fearful caucasian costars into what might as well be a Black Panthers meeting to promote their latest movie, "GI Joe: Rise of Cobra", due in theaters this Friday. Will it be good? I wonder, I wonder.

Death of Nigga-Naps

jayz-busted-cali-curl31

If Jay Z weren't such a good rapper, he would be permanently banned from every respectable part of America for rocking the nappy roots like it's a good look. It's not. Note to all negros, hispanics, etc. with thick hair: GET THAT SHIT CUT! Jay Z can't step to anyone trying to be hard when he is rocking crack locks.

And what is he trying to lick?

BLUEPRINT 3 OUT SOON!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I Think It's Safe to Say That Eminem Officially Hates Mariah Carey



All that talk about where they orgasmed and shit was a bit graphic. I'm really afraid for Mariah right now. Eminem is crazy.

Jessica Simpson is a Fool.



And this is why everyone should get Twitter.

God Bless America!

Alert: Down Syndrome Baby is Having Gender Issues



This is upsetting. He's as typically frumpy and tacky from the neck down as he usually is. But the face/head create a problem. you all know what that problem is. And we will simply leave it at that.

Points for Down Syndrome Baby: He's not wearing Ed Hardy or Christian Audigier. That's a good thing.

Jon and Kate ['s Accessories] Plus 8 [Abandoned Children].

Best [Fall] I Ever Had

Damn, Drizzy Drake, the only place you are "So Far Gone" to is the hospital. He tore his ACL again after this fall. Get well soon.

Tyrant Banks Guest Starring On "GG" In the Fall....

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Yes, indeedy, people. Crazy-ass power-hungry television dominator Tyra Banks will be guest starring on Gossip Girl this fall. She will not be playing herself, which is surprising because I'm sure Tyra doesn't know what it means to not be an attention whore, but she will try out her facial expression repertoire (like the "Banshee Demon Yoga Instructor" face seen above) playing someone... important. She's acted before (remember Jackie on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?), so let's see if she can hold her own amongst my idol, Chuck Bass.



What's Her Excuse Today?

lady gaga purple beehive hairstyle 03

OK, I know why I haven't been posting in a the last couple of days. It's production week, and I've been very tired and traveling between the Bronx and the Lower East Side at bizarre times of day. But what is her excuse for wearing this?

Here is the first problem. At first, second, and third glance, she appears to simply not be wearing clothing. This is not surprising to anyone who knows Lady Buttsexxx's habits. But once you figure out that she is wearing a coochie-cutter leotard that exposes her moose knuckle with pride and joy, you have to question just what the fuck is sitting on top of her head.

There spikes and thorns and whips and chains floating all over her head. It's fucking disgusting. I do love, though, how the last few strands of hair are just caught up in the porcupine pins at the back of her head, limp and lazy, just like Lady Rimjob's stylist.

Thank you to Emily Gonzalez for sending this. If people want to see something in the blog, send it to me!